A Glimpse of my Passion

Yesterday, I participated in a free event created by someone on Facebook.  26.2K Run For Gold.  I was invited by a fellow runner/triathlete and read what it was when I got the invite, but didn't really pay too much attention to it until the date got closer.  Basically, it was just someone trying to get the running community to join him to celebrate the Olympic Marathon by running 16.28 miles (26.2K).  Not physically with him, but just on that day.  Wherever you are.  Global event.  Kind of cool, I thought.

My marathon training plan only called for 14 miles, and so I really debated if I wanted to push it the extra 2.28.  I was pretty pumped up to "participate" but also didn't want to push my body too hard because I haven't exactly been "ahead" in my marathon training. I'm doing good, but I wouldn't say I should just go ahead and start adding miles to the long runs.  I may have put a little pressure on myself after seeing the following Motivational Running video:

I think it is amazing.  It gave me chills and, not gonna lie, brought a few tears to my eyes.  Maybe because it applies to everything in life.

Thankfully, the weather was a bit cooler on Sunday morning than it has been (all Summer).  I got a late start because I was up pretty late after the Glow Run 5K the night before. Yay! Fun.

So, back to Sunday morning.  I packed up my fuel belt, Gu packs, extra water, some grapes, Body Glide, sweat towel, sunglasses, nano, Garmin.....it's seriously a major event, haha.  I decided to go to Sedgwick County Park, about 25 minutes away.  I don't do this very often, for obvious reasons.  But I've run every direction possible what feels like a hundred times each here in Derby.  I also decided to take my iPhone again.  Some requirements for the event were to have fun and take pictures.  So, phone necessary :)

I basically pretended I was excited, because I wanted to be.  But I'll be honest, even though I prefer to run alone, for the most part, long runs are becoming a different story.  And my body did feel really sore and tired.  I tried to ignore that as well.  I made quite a few "stops" to drink a little water and then kept moving....stopped longer when I would get back to my car (4 mile loop) to refill the water bottles, gu up, wipe sweat from my eyes.  The second leg, I ran 3 and turned around, for 6 more.  Leaving me with one more loop to make 14.  I did an out and back for that part (2 out and back).  Even in a big park with more trees and less cars, I couldn't fathom running around it 3 straight times in the same direction.  Sounded terrible.  I look excited here though, no?

So, it was a little painful.  But unlike the previous marathons I've trained for, for some reason I am not quite as stressed about my long runs.  Don't feel like I have to go a certain pace (Hal Higdon says you shouldn't really push yourself hard for long runs....just get the miles in.  Otherwise you will be exhausted the rest of the week for the rest of your runs).  Yet I still feel strong and confident I am on target for the pace I want to go.  Maybe I'm just "maturing" in my running and learning my body. 

So on to the real exciting part.  I got notifications all day of posts on the wall of the "26.2K For Gold" page.  People posting their pictures and stories of where they ran, how far.  People from all over the world.  And then.....a post from someone that said this:

"I do not understand the support this run link is getting. I can't even get on person to sponsor my run across Canada to stop Violence against children. We truly live in a self indulgent world. So disappointing:("

To which I replied (after a few others):

"Self-indulgent? Oh I could run with this one. No pun intended. I will a little though. As someone with a Masters in Exercise Science and Public Health certificate and who is passionate about preventive care, I feel this is an opportunity to speak my mind. I cannot even begin to explain how awesome it is that there is motivation like this out there for running, or any other physical activity that allows people to stay fit and healthy. Do runners do it because they love it and it makes them feel awesome? Yes. Do we get a little obsessed? Maybe. But if everyone was getting out there and running their butt off, or swimming, or biking...there are many options...and preventing themselves from becoming overweight and/or obese, do you know how much money our country would save in healthcare costs??? From obesity and all the diseases that go with it....type 2 diabetes, metabolic syndrome, heart disease, etc....? Yeah, imagine that, everyone taking responsibility for his or her own health. BILLIONS. We would save billions. I donate to all sorts of charities when I can, as I'm sure many people do. Sometimes for races, sometimes just because. But avoiding becoming a drain on this country is also a priority for me. And all of the people supporting this event most likely live a lifestyle doing the same, so kudos to all of them. As the above posters have clarified, this page/event is not about fundraising. It’s about the spirit of the Olympics and physical activity, and I think it’s awesome that everyone can support and push each other. My passion for running and triathlons keeps me healthy and away from the doc. Fundraising is challenging, and there are so many causes out there. When I was deployed, I organized a charity run and raised money for the Chance Phelps Foundation…dedicated to supporting and honoring our nation’s warriors; it was actually really easy to raise the money because in that environment, everyone wanted to help vets and their families. If you are having trouble with raising money, maybe work on educating more people about why your cause is more important than the thousand others out there. Because you don’t know where people are putting their money."

It has gotten 6 "Likes" so far haha.  Yeah, she struck a nerve with me.  For sure.  I felt my blood boiling a bit as I responded.  At first I thought maybe I was too harsh, but several others have responded giving her feedback, and letting her know that she should have approached her comment differently by asking for support, not making negative comments about the running community.

So, maybe I was offended on a couple levels.  The part of me that wishes everyone would be more fit.  The actual runner in me. The part of me that desires to give to charities when I can.  I did especially like the poster who said that our sport has been "taken hostage to the point where if I mention a run/race to somebody, they ask: what charity does it benefit? Nobody asks a golfer what charity they are raising money for when they go hit a round." Haha, true! I have raised money for a charity for one of my marathons, but I see where this gets excessive.  

Anyway, what I found really interesting was HOW MAD this made me.  I don't want any negativity spun on such an important topic......physical activity.  

McConnell AFB sighting by the former Captain Clark

I almost busted out my Reserve Captain status the other day.  I was in disbelief when I saw a MSgt, a MSGT! with a princess cut blues shirt unprofessionally leaning up against the counter (almost obnoxiously, if you can picture that) at the clinic with her hand on her hip, LIFTING HER SHIRT enough that I could see her abdominal area.  Um, what? She was with her daughter and trying to talk her through something, but obviously just had no regard for how she was carrying herself.  I was embarrassed for her, for the Air Force.  I pretty much found myself staring.  I looked like an AF wife in workout clothes (I was) but I seriously wanted to pull out my I.D. and flash it in her face and ask her....what. are. you. doing?!

My blood boiled a little bit, but I see unprofessionalism all the time.  It isn't just Senior enlisted.  Officers too.  And abundant in the airman ranks, which I would like to say isn't as surprising, but I have to wonder who are these kids' parents and what goes on at basic training???  Don't join the AF if you aren't interested in adopting professionalism, respect, and the core values.  To this day, I don't get it.

*Stepping down off my soapbox*

Spent a week in 'bama

What can I say, there are other places I would have rather been "vacationing" with my husband.  Pure Michigan maybe? But, the AF decided Dave was going to spend his summer in the South, and I just wanted to be wherever he was.

All I was really focusing on before the trip was seeing Dave & friends, so I wasn't expecting the whirlwind of emotions that came with being around so many friends (all still in the AF), all of his classmates (obviously all in the AF), and.....I'm not sure if I talked to one person who wasn't in the AF for those 9 days.  I can confess to my blog here that I felt really lonely and isolated.  SOS this, SOS that.  Meanwhile, I did not get any studying done for my certification like I planned.  My fault.  I just wanted to spend as much time with all of our friends as possible, yet it was a constant reminder that led me to the realization that I miss the AF, in general.  It's upsetting that my experience led me to the decision that it did (to leave), but the fact is that it did.  One of my worst fears felt like it was coming true- regret. But I left for good reasons, and those reasons still hold true.  So, forget regret.

We spent our time working out (did arms in the weightroom but haven't done them since I've been back home....waste!), maybe drinking a little bit of wine, and hanging out with friends. The trip started with the coincidence of me being on the same flight as our friend Lindsay going to visit our friend (her husband:) Adam for the weekend.  He is an instructor at the base where Dave is doing his training/school.  I used to work with him here at McConnell.  Confused? Sometimes it's all confusing even to me.

Friday:  Adam and Dave picked us up from ATL and we all got to catch up! The Pahls are fun. 

Saturday: Dave and I went out to dinner at Bonefish with my old college roomie Shannon and our friend (her husband....seriously everyone is friends and everyone is married) Kayu and their adorable little princess Charlotte.  It was great catching up and we had the best waiter.....

Sunday: We got to see Kelly and James. Win!  No Andy :-/  Off playing Army.

Monday:  I worked out while Dave was at class.  Should have consulted Kelly on how to actually row the right way.  I got a little bit of a workout but don't think it was quite right.  Remembered that I tried rowing for a week my freshmen year of college and decided it would be too much with ROTC.  TOTALLY regret that decision.  But I digress.  Anyway I think that workout is about all I accomplished.  Then we got some Reeeeed Robin.  YUM.

Red Robin...

YUM

Tuesday:  Went for a run before Dave had to be at class.  I made a last-minute hair appointment to get my hair colored because it was turning weird colors.  I managed to find an Aveda salon even though the first thing that came up when I googled "hair salons montgomery al" was "Montgomery Black hair salons."  Ate some lunch and then did a Commissary run to get stuff to make dinner at Kelly's.  It was fun using someone else's kitchen, not sure why :)  We ate dinner and had another nice visit.

Love

Wednesday, Happy 4th!:  Got up early and left for FL to spend the 4th with Shannon, Kayu, Charlotte, Tomo, Abby and Cooper.  Didn't make good time but had a little time at the Eglin AFB beach when we got there.  Then it was a rainy afternoon that led to a dance party to the college party mixed CDs.  Turns out some of the "missing" CDs in the collection are with Abby :) Tomo made an excellent dinner....cilantro rice, beans, shrimp, fish....yum.  Then we went to the fireworks.

Mango salsa & guac...heaven.

 

 

 

Thursday:  Went to Destin for lunch to meet up with one of Shannon's hs friends.  Was like a classier version of Panama City :) Pretty views from Harry T's.  Drove back to Montgomery.

Smothering the kids.

View from Harry T's

Checking out the big Pirate ship-looking boat!

Photo booth....saved $5 by taking my own picture

Friday:  Got to babysit Coop-man while Abby went running with her flight and played FLEX (this little AF game is similar to dodgeball but with "special" tactics and strategy).  Watched Dave play, then Kayu and Abby.  Cooper got smashed with a ball but survived.  We worked out and went to Kelly's for dinner.  Kabobs and really yummy corn.  Then we watched......you guessed it- Dateline! Enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with strawberries and blueberries (I KNOW Dave was wondering why I don't provide simple, semi-healthy desserts like that instead of crazy chocolate cakes and such) and wine and murder stories.  Perfect.

Dave...FLEXing

Saturday:  Dave and Breanne day.  Slept in, worked out (we tried a kickboxing video at the gym....yikes am I uncoordinated), went to the local flea market with Kelly and James.  Got recommendation to try Chris' Hot Dogs, local place that's been around 95 years.  They had just gotten Oskar Blues Beer in and this guy was giving me the history.  Read here:

http://blog.al.com/wire/2012/07/alabama_brothers_award-winning.html

It was super good!  Then we took Kelly's recommendation and ate at The Olive Room, a local place downtown offereing fine cuisine for a special night out.  Got Grouper with an amazing side dish and I don't even know what it was....why do I do that?? Why don't I ask? I want it again! Tasted like grits or potatoes....oh I don't know.  Mouth is watering thinking about it though.

Sneaking pictures of James in the car.  Sweet.

Dale's Pale Ale

100x better in a glass!

Chris' Hot Dog WAS really yummy

Date night- The Olive Room

Maxwell AFB

Alabama

Sunday:  Ate at the Egg and I (oh yeah we did that Saturday too) and then crashed Kelly and James' day again :)  Then it was time to pack up and hit Hotlanta.

Saw lots of cute kids and good friends...

Ate lots of good food...

Saw some shnazzy fireworks...

Stayed active enough to not COMPLETELY screw up the marathon training...

Spent 9 days with my husband.

All in all, a win.  Unlike the day that followed.....TBC.

I live for these weekends, these times, these people

I'm getting off track with the blog again....damn you, FB.

Just spent the weekend with a bunch of wonderful family and friends and I at LEAST need to document that experience for now.  It was quite the reunion weekend.

Trying to plan for this little weekend was pretty stressful, I'll be honest.  We were kind of behind the eight ball with buying tickets for a couple different reasons, so once we cracked down and decided to get the tickets, it was a game of finding something affordable.  For Dave flying out of Atlanta (after driving from Alabama) and me out of Wichita.  But I wasn't giving up because Chris and Marina's wedding was a must.  So that was that.

Things started falling in place a little more when my sister Angela suggested I stay with the family the night after the wedding instead of in a Pittsburgh hotel.  I booked a flight that left Monday instead of Sunday because it was WAY cheaper (Wichita, you suck for travel plans).  Dave, however, had to fly out on Sunday to be back to class on Monday.  When I decided to stay with Gene and Emma (who have claimed me as a daughter:), we figured out we'd need two rentals so that we could both drive back to the airport.  Last minute, Dave thought of the idea of me just driving him to the airport on Sunday, driving back to Erie, and then back to Pittsburgh on Monday (2 hour drive each way).  Crazy? A little.  More time with Dave, even if it's in the car? Yes.  Sometimes the chaotic logistics can be fun.  We're used to them.

Wake up at 3:30 a.m Saturday.  Stop at Dillon's for quart-size bag for toiletries and travel-size contact solution (I'm surprised those are the only things that came up missing).  Get to airport at 5:10 a.m. for a 6 a.m. take-off, usually plenty of time for ICT.  Huge lines.  Get through, board plane.  Layover in Minneapolis.  Huge breakfast and bloody Mary.  Board plane for Pittsburgh.  Listen to pilot say "giggity" after all his announcements, laugh.  Arrive at Pittsburgh to see Dave waiting for me at my gate! :) Get rental (Chevy Aveo) and refuse $9 upgrade to an SUV just on principle! Start trip to Erie and realize that might have been a mistake as it shakes and rattles.  Arrive at the Avalon hotel to find our room isn't ready yet, along with all of the Endicott rooms, haha.  Have some interesting customer service interactions but finally get our room.  Get ready and walk to The Union at Concourse Station.  Proceed with watching beautiful, short ceremony, party and several drinks......walk to the Plymouth Tavern bar, and the rest is history.  Seriously.  Was really out of it.  Good times with the crew.

The next morning we got up and got ready to go and ended up stopping at Gene and Emma's for the family post-wedding lunch.  Dave got to visit with some crew members for a little bit before they left and then we left to take him to the airport.  I spend 4 hours in the beater, little red, driving to Pittsburgh and back.  I may or may not get a cheeseburger and small fry from McDonald's on my way back to Erie just because it always just makes me feel a little bit more normal after a little bit too much to drink.

When I get back, the family went to a nice local Italian restaurant where they know the Tudico name.  It was so good....I got Veal Parmesan.  I could eat that every day.  So many good laughs...even a little glass of wine :) and we practically closed the place. 

Angela, Chris, Marina and I had driven separately in the beater, so we proceeded with our U.P trip-in- one-night plan.  We headed to the beach on Lake Erie to get a glimpse of the sunset.  Then we headed home, where Chris demanded Gene build a fire, haha.  We sat around the fire for a bit and then our exhaustion got the best of us.  My sister was gracious enough to let me sleep in her room and I slept a good 9 hours......nice!

Woke up and had some coffee and breakfast and a couple hours later.....A MONDAY HOT DOG ROAST! It was so fun.

 

I headed back to Pittsburgh and made little red go like 80 in a 65 the whole way,  Yikes.  She didn't like to stop, but racing was not her thing either.  Dropped the car off real quick and then....BAM.  HUGE line for security.  It was 4.  My flight was at 4:55.  Wasn't gonna happen.  So I did what I could and asked the lady for some help, while sort of flashing my mil I.D., and she sent me to the first class line.  I'm in.

I'm not sure what has changed, but I'm really glad that I can focus enough to read now....in general, and on the plane.  I continued reading "MWF Seeking BFF," as I eyed this little scrawny 17 or 18 year old teenage boy next to me (who really smelled like one, too) who had a big, sealed yellow envelope addressed to Parris Island Recruiting. HellO, Marines.  Please don't kill this kid. 

I can REALLY relate to this book and Rachel Bertsche.  Have to love a book that is describing how you feel exactly.  Ok, guess I'm not completely crazy.  Ironically, I'm at a part of the book where she is traveling, and describing how she is being more open with talking to people when normally she would run from situations where she finds herself in a convo with a stranger, and that travel is a good opportunity to meet a potential BFF.  Well when I settle into the Sam Adams Brewery in ATL, this older man on the way to FL to visit his Mom (in the hospital) talks to me and we talk until I lose track of time and trot toward my gate after boarding begins (will this like mid-fifties guy be my BFF? Um, no.  But there was plenty to talk about!).  Luckily, like the earlier flight, it was a full flight and things were delayed and I waited for a few minutes.  Ok, not sure if it was the 2 beers I had, but I talked to the girl behind me walking onto the plane.  She sat behind me and then I found myself talking to her and the lady next to her, as well as the girl siting across the aisle.  Meanwhile, I guess the guy next to me was listening to what we were talking about because an hour into the flight he asks "So what kind of plane does your husband fly?" Then we talked the rest of the flight.  What is my point? This is not like me.  And it was fun, and a good ending to a great trip.

move on...I think I can, I think I can

Watched Bridesmaids again tonight.  3rd time.  It really makes me laugh hysterically.  But it also makes me feel like shit. 

I really don't want pity.

I just want someone who understands. I want someone who won't compare their life to mine.  I want someone who doesn't believe my life is "perfect" just because I have the perfect husband (really, I do) because I'm a human and still struggle with a lot, and a nice house, that we both worked really hard to afford (just being honest) and now feel even luckier to have with half the income. 

I want someone who needs me like I need them.  Someone who comes to me with their problems.  Someone who values my opinion.  I want the confidence to believe that I can still be this person in someone's life.  At this point.

I want someone who is honest with me and tells me when I screw up or if I'm being selfish. One who doesn't so easily give up on me.

It saddens me to this day that I lost my best friend from high school.  I'm more than willing to take at least 50% "blame," as our lives took us in different directions, and I didn't try hard enough.  This one sticks out the most to me, especially when I run across mixed CDs she made me with customized covers. 

And with all those requirements, it almost goes without saying, I don't want it to be fake.

It's painful to not have that "one" anymore. 

I wish our stories ended like Lillian and Annie's.

But we only get one life, and it always comes back to....it is what it is.

Irony

Today was a bad day for me.  A 180 from how I've been feeling.  I am just starting to feel suffocated.  Dave is gone all the time (not by choice, I understand) and we have 2 dogs.  How the HELL am I ever going to be able to have my own life and career? How am I going to CHOOSE my path?

Even though I try my best to be a good one, I was not designed to be (solely) an AF wife. 

No one will probably believe me, but over the last several months I've "concluded" that the only way for that to happen (the whole "me have a career that I want" thing) is with no dogs (kids?), and I've considered trying to find a new home for them.  I love them to death.  And this is actually going through my head.

It is agonizing to think about.  So much so that I broke down in tears tonight.  And not only just a few tears, I fell onto the floor crying.  For a long while.  Head pounding.  And Ellie was the only one there to cuddle up next to me and dry (lick) the tears off of my face.

Irony, huh?

I'm sure it will all work out...pretty sure I CAN NOT part with them.

A little perspective

I'm honestly quite confused about my internal battle between wanting to go through 8 grueling years of school/residency and just wanting to spend as much time as possible with Dave and other family & friends.  Is that normal? A question for the doc next time I see him :)

And if someone tries to tell me that if I'm thinking this way, I probably don't want to do it, I'm calling a B.S. flag.  It's a big decision and if I do it, I will do my best at it and probably have wonderful experiences.  If I don't, I will find joy in other things. 

I imagine that doctors want to go to medical school because they want to study medicine and, like many who join the military, want to serve others.  They go into it accepting the lifestyle and sacrifice from possibly being on call all of the time, long hours, etc.  Because they love it, not because they want to be away from their family.

Maybe I'm just blogging my way to the answer to my own question. 

So what I really need to figure out is "will I love it enough to make it worth it?"  Who really knows until they do it, I guess.

I wouldn't trade my family for anything- I would be crazy to trade Dave for anything! So that makes it easier to just go with the flow at this point.  My circumstances might make it a little bit more scary to dive in to something that might get complicated, but if I just remind myself that I already have the most important thing (person) by my side....this journey will be a lot more fun.

Changing, but staying the same

So the other day I had what I would call an emotional outburst in (onto?) my blog.  I reverted it to a draft, because it was, well.....too emotionally charged for anyone to enjoy reading it, probably.

I'm starting to think that you really have to be hurt by someone or something....really knocked down a few times or hit in the face....to really have an open heart.  I just feel different recently.

I really don't know when it started happening, but I believe that for the last several years I've been afraid (not consciously) to give to people and be open in fear that it wouldn't be returned (not material things....I'm talking relationships).  Or, afraid to just let things evolve and be more honest with people if/when things go awry (there is probably a better word there), and instead I just prevent things from happening and relationships from forming.  Basically....I don't let too many people make the cut so that I can keep the control.  Keep the ball in my court.

It gets sort of lonely that way.

It's so much easier to just live and forgive.

Granted, I still don't want to be best friends with anyone and everyone.....I know me and I know I can't do that.  And I'm talking everyday types of situations with people and friends.  Trust me.....I've been very unforgiving and not very trusting of many people.

But everyone is facing a battle.  And you may not realize or always know what it is at any given time.  Or you may think it's "nothing" compared to your battle.  People also make mistakes.  People change.  Some really change, but also stay the same (>insert Bridesmaids argument here<). Ok, I'll do it:

Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

Aaaanyway...

Basically, I've been too hard on people.  I am really hard on myself, so I guess that's where it started.  I will always have high expectations of people and can't promise I'll never judge, but really.....that is pretty useless unless I'm willing to help them with their struggle or offer advice, or help them use or see their own strengths.    

Someone recently posted the following quote on FB: "If you never expect anything from anyone, you'll never be disappointed."  This is a little bit of the opposite extreme.  Not looking to get walked over, either.  Not looking to be cut off from a friend of 8 years.  Because that would most certainly hurt any human being.  But there is an element of truth and wisdom to that quote.  What it sort of makes me realize is....I can be picky but still be open.  Being open and forgiving is so much easier and better than isolation :)

I think what I'm really feeling is more confident about who I am and ok with things not working out.

"AF Wife" or "Student on summer break"

I'm really enjoying my time off.  Money isn't a huge object, but it's a little bit of one.  I will say if it was NO object, I'm not really sure if I would feel like going back to work at all (right now) :)

This would worry me slightly...but it's the first time, even since I got out of the AF, that I just have a break.  No obligations.  It does feel good, what can I say.  I'm very lucky to get a breather.

But I think that is all it is.  A short period for some R&R.  Like post-deployment.

I feel like I'm entering a state of complete peace and zen.  Enjoying my family and our life, and re energizing and focusing for the next phase of my professional life.

I really enjoy cooking for my family.  I really enjoy spending time with the dogs (I guess mostly just so I can tire Ellie out so she doesn't drive us insane).  I do like a clean house.  I wonder how we ever had time to do all this stuff when I worked full time.  We figured it out, but I do know I also felt completely miserable in a job I disliked.  I had a lot less time for my family and friends. All for a job that made me miserable and I disliked.

I am a little scared to dive into another super time-consuming career.  But, I feel like it's a little more natural this time because I am starting to feel like it is a calling.  I understand the sacrifices I will be making (or as well as I can understand it without living it) but I feel like I will be heading into it with acceptance.  That it will be difficult, but I will have a deep motivation for doing it and it will bring me enough joy that everything will work out.  Yeah, I hope.

Oh, waaaaaaiiiiit.  I am only starting my second shadowing session next week.  So all big plans still up in the air :) Which is why......I'm just enjoying the present for now.  I'm an AF wife AND a student on summer break :D

dear diary

the only thing I know to do is write at this point.

well, and read.  I can't believe how long I've been "reading" this book.

I'm sure there are people in my life (if no one else but Dave) who have noticed this book floating around my world for like a year now.  It's really pathetic, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can focus my mind on leisurely reading and I've put a dent in this one.  Part of me thinks I'm subconsciously dragging it out for a reason.  I love it and every time I pick it back up, it feels like the part I'm reading is just for me.  Like Elizabeth is saying "hey, you have a problem?  well I've had the same exact one." And really, I don't want it to be over. 

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Richard to Elizabeth (Eat Pray Love)

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” - Elizabeth

Just read that on Sunday.  Amen.

This is the first time I've ever read a book and thought "I want to be there.  with them."  And then I thought who is the Richard in my life?

My Dad always told me that it isn't what happens to you, but what you are telling yourself about what happens to you that matters.  Honestly, I was always nodding in agreement while thinking "whatever, this sucks."  Well I am not sure if it is my age, or people here and there from every part of my life rubbing off on me a little more, or this book (this book is amazing)...but I'm finally starting to get it, Dad. 

Well, shit happens. 

Sometimes people walk away.  “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive.” Paulo Coelho.  via Mojdeh.  and she did.

Reaction:

I can't change what I've done in the past.  I don't read minds.  I can't control others.  That is obvious.  And I'm confident in declaring that I didn't do anything to deserve this.  But, that's life.  And some people just simply don't want you in theirs. 

I'm very aware of and in touch with my shortcomings.  Insecurities.  It's all too obvious to me.  But I'm finally ok with them.  I don't feel bad.   

I can choose my words and how I treat people.  I'm honestly now a little nervous about people not being honest with me...me not realizing it....not being prepared.  Maybe because I usually think I'm pretty in touch, and this knocked me off my feet.  But that's ok.  I can't control that.  Time to show others what some selfless people have shown me, unconditionally.  

At least now I can choose to never make anyone feel the way this made me feel.