2016

Hey, blog! Long time, no writing. I neglected you and my love for writing last year. I'm sorry.

11 January. Slowly creeping away from the 1st, but the year is still fresh.

On New Year's Day, my FB feed was flooded with posts about throwing away the idea of resolutions, which imply "failure" in the year prior. That resolve means to find a solution to a "problem," and we, as individuals, are not "problems." I particularly like the line "The way you showed up for your life the past year was necessary for your growth." I'm not sure who that quote is from originally, but I'm totally on board with this line of thinking. We should appreciate our chance to start over and try again, according to Elizabeth Gilbert. We might succeed, we might fail. But at least we get to try again. And again and again. Amen.

Resolutions should just sort of be on-going. You can start over whenever you want, really.

This mentality is much more encouraging and healthy than feeling defeated during the first week of a New Year and feeling like you have to wait until January of the next year. No way. I enjoy the rollercoaster of the highs and lows all year long, baby.

For the past couple years, I've been struggling a lot with productivity, focus and working towards my goals. But I've also learned a great deal about myself and it's just time to move on and use those lessons. But not without re-hashing all the misery. 

One of the main reasons we wanted to live overseas was to travel. While I considered working while we lived here, I didn't try particularly hard to make that happen. Partly because I already felt lost when we got here, not sure of what I want to do with my life or what I want to be when I grow up. I had already gotten one Master's degree I wasn't really using and my interests were changing....making me really hesitant to go back to school and spend more money, too. Unless I was 100% sure of what I wanted to do (but are we ever, really?). As time went on, I realized it might be difficult to get our vacation times to line up if I got a job, making it difficult to travel. And wasn't that the point of being here? (sounds kind of like an excuse, doesn't it?) And partly, and probably the biggest reason, is I've felt a gradual decline in my confidence, even though my values and what I care about most have  become more clear. The more time that passes, the scarier it is to get back out there. Without really realizing it, I started numbing everything with beers and banana nut muffins (Brené Brown reference).

But you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't have the luxury of getting to travel and see the world and not worry about work and ALSO feel fulfilled when you are not engaging with your passions and interests. Well, I can't, apparently.

But I'm interested in beer and wine and banana nut muffins. So there was that. Numb on.

After 2 years, I've realized that when I get home from the fun, fancy trips, I'm still empty and the high wears off. There is still beer and banana nut muffins, but those just fill me up, not fulfill me.

I've gained plenty of weight since being here. I've remained fairly active, but haven't taken great care of myself overall. I haven't kept a good routine, which I've learned I absolutely need in order to be productive and happy. But I also don't look at those extra 10 lbs too negatively. They've put a lot of things in perspective for me and I know how to get rid of them. So no point in getting down about it.

It's taken a few years to realize or acknowledge that I truly do miss the camaraderie of the Air Force. I guess I have acknowledged that before, but the feelings have gotten stronger and more meaningful with time. I really miss belonging to something I care so deeply about. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? 

Without a routine, I have generally felt overwhelmed and small tasks felt daunting. If I built myself a to-do list of 20 things in the morning...prioritization became an issue because did I really have to do all those things? No. Were they all really important? I don't know. I made the list, why didn't I know?!? Should I be looking for a job right now? Or maybe start writing that book I dream about writing? Because obviously I don't feel fulfilled. I don't know, but I don't even know where to start. Back to vacuuming. And on and on.

Sound silly? Well if not one person out there can relate, call me a freak.

I had no problem giving myself plenty to do. I just had a problem doing all the things. Instead of just tackling one thing and moving on to the next and not worrying about what I didn't get done or what was left for the next day, I let myself feel defeated. Boredom wasn't the problem. Lack of focus, absolutely. Throw too much clutter in my environment in there and...what a mess.

On that note, when I worked full time, we somehow got all the laundry and grocery shopping done and meals on the table and the house cleaned and the dogs cared for....yet now these things seemed to be a full time job in themselves and the monotony of it got boring and exhausting and I felt like I was failing at all of it. I mean if that is all you really have to do, shouldn't you be perfect at it? But my mind was always wandering in other directions other than meal planning.

While in some ways my confidence has taken a hit, I've also learned to dig deeper. I've learned to lean on the friends and loved ones who truly support me and are in my corner. Who I can confide in. And (at least try) not to worry about what the rest of the people think. Because while I always thought or wanted to believe I didn't care about what others think, none of us want to be judged. I've learned to consciously remind myself that it. doesn't. matter. What they think. Truly believing these things to our core requires really awesome self talk and awesome people to remind you. I'm going to drop another big name in this post- Chalene Johnson. Ok she isn't my close friend, but DANG does she radiate confidence and authenticity like a boss. I've learned a lot from her videos, podcasts and her Success Academy.

On an overall gloomy note, I've generally just felt down a lot. And consistently. But that has forced me to take a look at why. And figure out how to fix it. If I can recognize certain things that I miss that did make me happy, and the things that I want to avoid that don't make me happy...isn't that progress? I don't have it all figured out and I definitely have a long way to go but I feel a bit more wise with a little tougher skin. About to turn 31.....'bout damn time. 

I've learned so much during the struggles. I guess that is my whole point here. None of it was really clear at the time; it's only come together retrospectively. I guess it's more like... "The way you showed up for your life (or didn't) the past year was necessary for your growth."

So 2016 is just a year that I'm kind of excited about. I've got a lot of lessons in my toolbox. A little better understanding of who I am and what I need in my life and what is missing. A little bit more confidence to move forward and a little better idea of where I'm headed. I did allow myself to press a reset button in the last week and a half. Part of that was just making myself take all the positives away from the mess I feel like I've been in. I'm getting back into a workout routine, filling my happiness and gratitude jars each night, and accepting baby steps as progress. 

I guess my resolution is to just keep going and definitely look back on what I've learned when I'm feeling overweight, not confident, not focused, not productive, not good enough, not __________. Because I need to be a better version of myself in order to pour myself out to the world and contribute in a way that is meaningful and important to me. I don't want to waste as much time as I have been. Time is precious. If you are drained, lost, feeling similar in any way...I hope this inspires you to do the same. 

                               

Tales of Moldy Bread & a SAHW

Walking into the living room this morning holding a large container of peanut butter, my husband asks "Hey Breanne, all of the bread is moldy so do you mind if I just take this peanut butter to work and I will buy a loaf of bread before my flight.....?"

No. Not at all. I do not mind. Take all of the peanut butter.

Responds the worst wife ever.

My heart is clearly not in being solely responsible for the grocery shopping or providing for my hard-working husband. While I always strive to be better at this (and seriously I'm always at the grocery store), I am not into meal planning and sometimes I feel like I'm living like a college student who eats whatever is laying around. Ok maybe a healthier student....an apple here, a piece of cheese there, wine always. Or someone who doesn't have time because they work all day.

But I don't. I don't do that anymore. That is not my life. I *do* miss it.

And I fill my days with plenty of things, but meal planning like a grown-up is not one of them. I should be at the grocery store, getting everything we need. I feel guilty not being perfect at this. How have I not perfected this yet?!

It's amazing how much guilt I can feel for not being a perfect homemaker now that.....that is one of my primary duties.

But I liked it better when I had a different purpose and we could share responsibility for moldy bread.

Dave is the breadwinner. Should he not be responsible for the bread?!

Ok bad joke.

I know that I, and only I, can change the course of my life's work. It is up to me to gather the strength, take the risk, take a leap of faith and acknowledge (what I think is) the passion that has been screaming at me and making me perform so terribly as grocery shopper, among other things. I've been ignoring it for so long ("it"....the "passion" = coaching)

The moldy bread is just a reminder of how long. Sorry, Dave! I love you and am always grateful for the life you've given us and your willingness to eat *whatever* is available for lunch.

Altnernative modes of transportation

My cousin Jen sent this to me with perfect timing today. I thought I would post it as a follow-up to my broken car night catastrophe post.

My car is still pretty much broke. For all intents and purposes.

You know, that doesn't sound that bad. First world problem, correct? It doesn't explain me drowning myself in wine.

The thing is....the broken car was just the icing.

On the shit cake.

But this icing/breakdown...it has forced me to find alternate modes of...dealing with things. It has forced me to be vulnerable with pretty new but amazing friends. People who could think I'm crazy but have been nothing but kind and generous. It has forced me to lean on people when I've always thought I could get through everything on my own. It has forced me to ask for help.....*gasp*

It has forced me to take a leap of faith and believe a little. 

A Raw Post by a Military Spouse Expat

I cried on and off for several hours tonight.

Everything came to a boiling point today when my beater of a car finally said "Times up, SUCKER. I'm out. Deal with your issues." Or at least that is what has come of the situation. Husband gone/deployed/whatever/not here and complicated car issues. Apparently that was enough to just set me off. I've been stressed about all kinds of things, and frankly, a little bit lonely. And then the seventh thing went wrong with my car and that was it. It is not drivable. I'm just overwhelmed. Just one of those times when it feels like things are crumbling. And now it's me with my tears and a bottle or two of wine. Because this shit always just happens at the perfect time. I hate, hate asking for help or realizing I can't get through everything on my own.  

Don't worry. What my body is losing in tears, it's gaining in wine. This has to be a start to recovery. 

But really, tears are powerful. When you sob and let it all go, you just start to feel better and think more clearly. I let Teddy lick all the tears away, and then I went outside with (my awesome) pups and played with them for a while. Happy, happy, tail-wagging pups. And I'm sure that helped. And don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends who have let me vent, vent, vent and it has helped tremendously.

But when you hit a low, you are forced to practice gratitude. Like you should do anyway. Maybe my car is just trying to get me back on track and make me remember what really matters. Not cars. 

Over the last few days, I packed up all of the Christmas decorations. But why pack these cards up?!?! They always sit out for a while and then I don't know what I do with them....display the photo cards and shove the other ones in a box. Tonight I looked at them and smiled. Well, they are all being hung up for a while. Just as a lil' reminder that people are thinking of us even if I don't always feel it. I'm not alone. I need to reach out to people who care and tell them what is going on, not put up walls. That is my fault. I'm imperfect and/but I'm enough. I'm enough to reach out and ask for help and to be imperfect. These people think I'm enough. 

That is the raw me. The raw version of me living far away from so many loved ones, doubting my worthiness and trying all the time to be a better wife, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, friend. Thank you to those who have stood by me and supported me. And thank you, Brene. I am halfway done with The Gifts of Imperfection and it is like my bible. You are brilliant. This is my pledge.

"What do you do?" Terrible question.

I LOVE having the freedom to go to the pub and enjoy a few pints with my husband on any given day of the week, if he isn't flying his huge flying gas station. We may or may not have done that tonight. If you don't enjoy, or miss, the same freedom to spend quality time doing whatever you want with your significant other, whether you have kids or not, sorry, but I think you're missing out on something wonderful.

Big judgement, I know. But that is my opinion.

Also, this:

Quick side note. I love them.

I feel so fortunate to chi-lax (I ain't too old to use slang!) with my husband in the middle of the week and talk about worldly events and the things that are important to us.

Ok, so of course as we get older, the idea of children and what kind of weirdos our reproductive mixes might turn out to be becomes a greater percentage of the conversation.....but I undoubtedly will miss our nights out. With no restrictions.

Early last year, I wrote a post about my life as a SAHW (yup, that's wife...not mom), inspired by Lyz Lenz's post "The Life of a Mostly SAHM." (I didn't link it again because, well, I don't want to creep her out...Google it if you wish). Actually, I've written a few posts analyzing my outlook on (my) life, and to be quite honest, I kind of cringe when I re-read them.

Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed, but just because I sort of don't like that it seems that I felt I needed to justify where I was at in life. To myself? To others? Both?

Of course, when you essentially use your blog in place of a psychologist, I guess your true feelings end up having a time stamp on them. I see now that, at the time, I didn't feel as stable in dealing with the uncertainty my life choices have dealt me.   

But really, all this isn't about me. It's about this video (I know, that sounds like Buzzfeed always claiming 'THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT' on everything they post :)  Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success. No, the point of the talk is not that everyone should get a trophy. It's about defining your own success.

Oh, 1:57. It really is everyone's favorite question. "What do you do?" It's true. In fact, an old lady on the train asked me that question today. It used to bother me soooo much. But over the last year, I've truly been able to stop caring about the fact that I can't say "student" or "I'm in the Air Force" anymore.  I don't have a cut and dry answer anymore, but honestly, what's it to them? I really think some people just don't know what else to ask, and that's fine. I usually just say "nothing" now. That must be so interesting for them to think about. But..."YOU DON'T KNOW ME" ;-) Seriously, though. Try just asking me.....what I'm interested in. Or something useful. Try asking anyone that, instead of...."what do you DO?" Or is it "What do YOU do?" Either way.

I spend a lot of my time brainstorming about how to take my interests and goals and turn them into what I believe I'm meant to be doing in this world, within the context of my life now. I know there is no time like the present, but I'm trying. I think that might sound selfish to a lot of people. I don't think it is and that is why I stopped caring.

If I'm honest, again, I think a lot of people either A) judge me for not working OR having kids and/or B) think my life is all sunshine and rainbows....like one of those rich wives who lives at the spa.

I have no idea if people are ACTUALLY thinking that about me. But I think that notion is a result of society and what Alain is describing. 

Of course it's only natural to forget that I don't care sometimes. When people are intrusive and judgmental. But that is them, not me. They may or may not be trying to define who I am with a few quick pieces of information, but it doesn't matter. Growing up, whenever I had problems dealing with other people or issues I couldn't control, my Dad always reminded me that the only thing I can control is me. I'm 29 and finally get it.

I feel fortunate that I've lived until 29, and have done a few things I'm proud of. I hope to keep that "success" going. 

Of course, I must give credit to my fellow writers who unknowingly act as my psychologists, and help me to remember that....

...the grass is always greener.....on the other side:
http://joannarenteria.com/2011/12/13/i-was-considering-grad-school-and-then-i-saw-this-hilarious/
so funny :)

and

...a lot of people judge. we all judge. we shouldn't. and some people will always have an opinion about what you should be doing instead of caring about what makes you happy. but maybe one day we'll all get there:

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/21/friendly-fire/

and

...oh, again, some women just love to judge. I do like this piece as a husband who feels inclined to defend the hard-working mother of his children to other women being....rude, frankly. On the other hand, I also appreciate the commenter(s) who points out that many women simply "don't know" what stay at home moms do all day, so their questions are somewhat justified. I don't know....it's always good to see the other side, but I have had a full time crazy job and don't have kids myself, and my observations of motherhood lead me to believe it's kind of like prison. So to ask a mom what she does all day is sort of just....naive.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

and

...it's ok to just be happy.
http://www.sarahannnoel.com/2013/06/letting-go.html

Carry on. Be happy. Define your own success.  

the post where I tell a story and then link to other bloggers who write a funnier version

I'm fully aware that title is too long.

My husband literally does everything. He flies planes. He fixes stuff around the house. He calms down his wife who might start having a panic attack about life at any given moment. He can even do that from another state. It's impressive. He's superman, really.

In general I'm pretty used to him being away. But with the whole being-an-adult-and-trying-to-sell-our- first-house-and-move-to-England thing, I really miss my partner. Maybe more so because there is so much to do, and in my head I have "plenty of time" because I'm not working right now....somehow that adds to the pressure.  No Excuses, housewife! But it doesn't change the fact that the to-do list is a little overwhelming and sometimes confusing and things in the house seem to be breaking right about when we're trying to leave and blah blah blah.

Sometimes I wonder...how did I get here? I wasn't supposed to be a housewife.  What is going on? HOW DO I ESCAPE? WHY IS DAVE ALWAYS FLYING HIS PLANE TO FAR AWAY PLACES???

Buuuut, I know the answer. I chose it. It's hard to remember why sometimes, but I chose to be where I am right now.  I so do not regret the decisions I have made. Sometimes I do have to rewind a little and remind myself, otherwise I spiral into labeling myself as a quitter or something else terrible, untrue and useless.

I fell in love with superman at age 21 and never looked back. I went into the Air Force super blue and in love.....oh, how perfect. Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...But 4 years later superman was still by my side when I wanted to rip my hair out daily. I so wanted to hang on to the Air Force for all the reasons I wanted to join in the first place, but life is not about being miserable at a job where you don't feel like you are making a difference. Many argued I was....but that's another internal battle in my mind :) I was definitely overly-confident about how "easy" it was going to be to have my own career in the civilian world with that whole moving around part, but I think it was good I had those blinders on. Dave is always a voice of reason and a source of endless support....good qualities to have in a spouse. And that is why I feel content with where I am & how I got here. I am excited for the near future....we finally get to go on our European honeymoon. For 3 years, woot! I have seen so little of the world. And we've had so much fun so far that I'm even fairly confident that the more distant future will be fun as well...whether that means housewife, mom and/or super career woman when Dave is retired at age 42.  I'm keeping my options open, haha.      

So when I read this post by one of the most hilarious bloggers I follow, it was pretty amazing. Seriously, if you took the time to read my post, you'll appreciate this comic relief (caution: do not drink liquids while reading).  No kiddos yet, but that moment in life when you wonder "How did I get here?" and then realize you are actually happy at the same time....

While I'm referencing blog posts that I love, this one about letting go is also worth a read if you are in some sort of "oh-my-god-how-did-I-get-here" stage in your life.  I love her closing remarks.  

Superman flies back home today.  Win.

My Knickers are about to be in a TWIST

Because I literally have no idea how to get ready to move overseas.

I thought I'd write some of this frustration out in hopes that it will help ease the pain.

I am, simply put, a pack rat.  It's quite annoying.  I want to be free from everything I'm hanging on to from every phase of my life.  I want to be lighter.  I already had this plan before we moved again but now it is even MORE important going over the ocean.

But for now this means I also have no idea how to sort things into different categories or "piles."  What I have come up with so far is...

1) Stuff we're taking with us.  To England.  I figure I will start with making a list of what we will want to have when we are there and work backwards.  If it isn't on my list it doesn't go.  In theory I think this is good.  In reality I will come across the things not on the list and justify why they should be on the list... We MIGHT need that thing....whatever it is...
2) Stuff going in storage
3) Stuff that Dad will be "happy" to hear I plan on adding to the collection of my shit already in his basement
4) Stuff I'm getting rid of (the impossible part)
a) Stuff I'm going to sell.  Or give away? I don't know.  Am I having a garage sale?? I don't know. Let's face it that probably won't happen.  Good Will it is.  But still....for things to make it into this category it will probably take someone blindfolding me and locking me in a closet so I don't know what I'm "losing."  Because ya know, everything you get rid of you eventually end up wanting to use.  Like the next day.
b) Stuff I'm throwing out

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OPTIONS???

Input welcome. Wanted.  Needed.

Also, a cocktail.

Ellie's bathtub drama

Two posts in a day, I know.  Normally I try to cram 3 weeks into a post.  Which isn't that fun.

Warning: getting personal ahead

Back home in Kansas, we do not have a door to our bathroom area, just the "toilet room." So I usually just leave the bedroom door open when I take baths (yes I take baths).  It's a jacuzzi tub and pretty deep, so even though Ellie always comes in and is really curious (water, duh....I just like to splash her), she doesn't really bother me.  Well the last few days I have been pretty sore and took a bath today which usually makes me feel better.  Not so fancy, the tub here.  Well Ellie kept coming in (yeah should have shut the door).  Even though it was hot water, she tried to take a few sips.  I really just find her curiosity funny and how her head tilts every time there is water movement.  But I keep telling her to go lay down, and she does, and then comes back in a couple minutes later.  Well, not sure if she took in a few too many soap fumes, but all of the sudden, she is gone, and Teddy is in the bathroom looking at me all concerned.  Then I hear the convulsing noises.  I kind of laugh.  Great.  Now I have lean around to see out the door that Ellie is about to puke, looking at me with very sad eyes.

What do you do in that moment?! Haha. What consitutes hopping out of the tub and running to the door to let her out? Not this, I decided.  This is not a fire.  But I cut my bath short and get out.....she is no where in sight.  Then she comes running back down the hall, licking her chops.  Pretty sure she threw up somewhere in the house, and then ate it.  I have not found any evidence.

Can't even take a bath around here.

Is this similar to the stuff Moms laugh about? It seems like it, maybe.

the life of a mostly SAHW

The next person who calls me an AF wife might be getting a punch in the face. Whew that felt good! One of my friends recently introduced me to a blog written by a writer in NY. This post about being mostly a SAHM (stay at home mom) and this one about being a trophy wife. Perfect. Someone else knows my worst fears and deepest feelings. And her writing cracks me up.

I've written before about being an AF Wife. Oh at the time I was in my wanna-be-doctor phase. Those  same feelings are true today, though. But it isn't summer anymore and the longer and longer this "break" gets, the more unhappy I am.

All the choices I have made up until this point were my own. I am not complaining, I am very fortunate, and bottom line I chose love and sacrificed some other things I want (maybe also because I am not clear what that is exactly, at least for now. But I sure know I love the heck out of Dave).

I get really lonely when I feel there are a couple sets of people in my life who are around me, but not with me. The ones who are still in the AF and are a constant reminder of the things I hated and the things I loved about the AF, but who all still have a common bond I used to be a part of and no doubt don't quite see things from my new perspective. And those (who may or may not have been in the AF at one point) who assume I am happy because I am taking advantage of an opportunity to be with my husband more and getting the hell out of Kansas for a while. I try to make the best out of every situation, but that certainly does not mean I am completely fulfilled. I am still really trying to figure out how to get on my own path while still putting my family first.  It's tricky, and each day it feels like it gets a little harder and I'm spiraling into a permanent role as a full-time AF wife (*gasp*!). Don't get me wrong, I do not think there is anything wrong with that. But for me, I still want something else. And I can't rely on friends or family to light a fire under me, because while it really helped me a couple weeks ago when some amazing people kicked my ass a little, it doesn't last unless I really feel it myself. I have to get moving and figure it out.  

I already feel like a full-time dog-mom. The other day, about a week after we got Ellie her luxurious crate pad, I left the dogs home for about 6 hours while I went to lunch and a movie with a friend. She made it clear to me that she MUST have exercise before I leave each and every day. She was not tired from an hour at the park the day before, or her training. No she was charged and ready to go for another day of work as a border collie and I let her down by not letting her work. I came home to find her laying in a pile of shredded up foam. I lost my patience, but as I reflected later I realized it is because I blame myself for not giving her what she needed, and came to terms that it's not an option (like it is with the non-Border Collie, older Teddy). On Saturday, I took her to the end of the street in the open field to play fetch with her before we went out in the evening. She fetched the ball for 40 minutes and never slowed down.  Eventually I got too cold. She seemed tired, and was panting (and it's difficult to get her to that point), but never slowed down. She would have fetched the ball the rest of the night if I had kept throwing it, I think. I realized, she really feels it's her job if I ask her to do it. It is an admirable trait for a dog. Ok Ellie, I still love you. But you are going to get a reconstructed, sewn-up crate pad, not a new one. She is teaching me patience, though.

So, some days I am content being home. Some days I am not. I totally understand Lyz's struggles with modern womanhood.  I would also like to say that the next person who asks me if I get bored during the day, or asks "So, what do you do all day while Dave is gone?" (really, can't you ask "What have you been up to?") might also get an insulting response from me. I discussed my frustration with Dave recently and he said his Grandpa once told him "Boredom is a result of a lack of initiative on your part." I couldn't agree MORE.

No, I don't get bored. I read books, and have 20 in my queue. I am teaching myself to knit so I can make some gifts. I workout, soon to be twice a day, training for a long course triathlon and a couple half marathons. I look up fun recipes and cook. Oh, I go to the store so I can buy the yarn and needles to knit and the food to cook. I go to training with Ellie.  I take the dogs to the park to tire them out.  I pick up our damn mail because we don't have a mailbox. I read funny, interesting blogs written by people with cool experiences. I do dishes. I do laundry (ok, that part is boring, but it's on the list).  I've gone to 5 of the 21 wineries here in Spokane. Don't mind me while I hit up the other 16 and taste wine during the day because I can. I watch documentaries and/or shows on Netflix. I look for JOBS. I love my husband and am super proud of him and try to take care of him, even though I suck at that sometimes because I can be selfish. And when that happens I work on that. Must I go on?

Am I bored being a stay-at-home wife? No. Do I feel fulfilled? Not quite. I have more to give, and that is why I truly appreciate when people don't stop talking to me about that.  

*end blog post rant*

Changing, but staying the same

So the other day I had what I would call an emotional outburst in (onto?) my blog.  I reverted it to a draft, because it was, well.....too emotionally charged for anyone to enjoy reading it, probably.

I'm starting to think that you really have to be hurt by someone or something....really knocked down a few times or hit in the face....to really have an open heart.  I just feel different recently.

I really don't know when it started happening, but I believe that for the last several years I've been afraid (not consciously) to give to people and be open in fear that it wouldn't be returned (not material things....I'm talking relationships).  Or, afraid to just let things evolve and be more honest with people if/when things go awry (there is probably a better word there), and instead I just prevent things from happening and relationships from forming.  Basically....I don't let too many people make the cut so that I can keep the control.  Keep the ball in my court.

It gets sort of lonely that way.

It's so much easier to just live and forgive.

Granted, I still don't want to be best friends with anyone and everyone.....I know me and I know I can't do that.  And I'm talking everyday types of situations with people and friends.  Trust me.....I've been very unforgiving and not very trusting of many people.

But everyone is facing a battle.  And you may not realize or always know what it is at any given time.  Or you may think it's "nothing" compared to your battle.  People also make mistakes.  People change.  Some really change, but also stay the same (>insert Bridesmaids argument here<). Ok, I'll do it:

Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

Aaaanyway...

Basically, I've been too hard on people.  I am really hard on myself, so I guess that's where it started.  I will always have high expectations of people and can't promise I'll never judge, but really.....that is pretty useless unless I'm willing to help them with their struggle or offer advice, or help them use or see their own strengths.    

Someone recently posted the following quote on FB: "If you never expect anything from anyone, you'll never be disappointed."  This is a little bit of the opposite extreme.  Not looking to get walked over, either.  Not looking to be cut off from a friend of 8 years.  Because that would most certainly hurt any human being.  But there is an element of truth and wisdom to that quote.  What it sort of makes me realize is....I can be picky but still be open.  Being open and forgiving is so much easier and better than isolation :)

I think what I'm really feeling is more confident about who I am and ok with things not working out.

"AF Wife" or "Student on summer break"

I'm really enjoying my time off.  Money isn't a huge object, but it's a little bit of one.  I will say if it was NO object, I'm not really sure if I would feel like going back to work at all (right now) :)

This would worry me slightly...but it's the first time, even since I got out of the AF, that I just have a break.  No obligations.  It does feel good, what can I say.  I'm very lucky to get a breather.

But I think that is all it is.  A short period for some R&R.  Like post-deployment.

I feel like I'm entering a state of complete peace and zen.  Enjoying my family and our life, and re energizing and focusing for the next phase of my professional life.

I really enjoy cooking for my family.  I really enjoy spending time with the dogs (I guess mostly just so I can tire Ellie out so she doesn't drive us insane).  I do like a clean house.  I wonder how we ever had time to do all this stuff when I worked full time.  We figured it out, but I do know I also felt completely miserable in a job I disliked.  I had a lot less time for my family and friends. All for a job that made me miserable and I disliked.

I am a little scared to dive into another super time-consuming career.  But, I feel like it's a little more natural this time because I am starting to feel like it is a calling.  I understand the sacrifices I will be making (or as well as I can understand it without living it) but I feel like I will be heading into it with acceptance.  That it will be difficult, but I will have a deep motivation for doing it and it will bring me enough joy that everything will work out.  Yeah, I hope.

Oh, waaaaaaiiiiit.  I am only starting my second shadowing session next week.  So all big plans still up in the air :) Which is why......I'm just enjoying the present for now.  I'm an AF wife AND a student on summer break :D

dear diary

the only thing I know to do is write at this point.

well, and read.  I can't believe how long I've been "reading" this book.

I'm sure there are people in my life (if no one else but Dave) who have noticed this book floating around my world for like a year now.  It's really pathetic, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can focus my mind on leisurely reading and I've put a dent in this one.  Part of me thinks I'm subconsciously dragging it out for a reason.  I love it and every time I pick it back up, it feels like the part I'm reading is just for me.  Like Elizabeth is saying "hey, you have a problem?  well I've had the same exact one." And really, I don't want it to be over. 

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Richard to Elizabeth (Eat Pray Love)

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” - Elizabeth

Just read that on Sunday.  Amen.

This is the first time I've ever read a book and thought "I want to be there.  with them."  And then I thought who is the Richard in my life?

My Dad always told me that it isn't what happens to you, but what you are telling yourself about what happens to you that matters.  Honestly, I was always nodding in agreement while thinking "whatever, this sucks."  Well I am not sure if it is my age, or people here and there from every part of my life rubbing off on me a little more, or this book (this book is amazing)...but I'm finally starting to get it, Dad. 

Well, shit happens. 

Sometimes people walk away.  “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive.” Paulo Coelho.  via Mojdeh.  and she did.

Reaction:

I can't change what I've done in the past.  I don't read minds.  I can't control others.  That is obvious.  And I'm confident in declaring that I didn't do anything to deserve this.  But, that's life.  And some people just simply don't want you in theirs. 

I'm very aware of and in touch with my shortcomings.  Insecurities.  It's all too obvious to me.  But I'm finally ok with them.  I don't feel bad.   

I can choose my words and how I treat people.  I'm honestly now a little nervous about people not being honest with me...me not realizing it....not being prepared.  Maybe because I usually think I'm pretty in touch, and this knocked me off my feet.  But that's ok.  I can't control that.  Time to show others what some selfless people have shown me, unconditionally.  

At least now I can choose to never make anyone feel the way this made me feel.

Caveat

I thought there should be a caveat to the statement "I have a really hard time focusing on things and finishing one task because I feel like I always have so much ahead of me." (previous post).  Even when I read it back to myself I thought "what the hell do you have in front of you? you don't have a job."  Well, I think it's safe to tell my blog that.....I have issues.  My life has felt disorganized and chaotic for a couple years, and the disorganization probably started a few years before that, judging by the massive amounts of piles of papers/records-schoolwork, receipts, bank statements, random shit-that has accumulated and made me really uneasy.  I hate it.  By nature, I need to be organized.  But I'm not.

A couple months ago, I sat in on a telecon/phone seminar thing with a company that does wellness coach certification.  Basically, it teaches you how to be a coach....how to help people figure out, within their own life, how to make the changes they want to make.  I feel this is the piece that is missing from being able to make an impact with my exercise science background.  Anyway.  The CEO of this company (Wellcoaches) had an example of someone who felt they could not move forward/make significant changes to their lifestyle/health before they removed the massive amounts of clutter in their home.  YES! There is at least one other person out there like me. I don't care if I'm crazy.  At least I recognize it.  No shame.  Although it's really annoying.

So, for months (years?) I've been desperately trying to get all this crap in order.  I'm FINALLY making progress with the help of Suze Orman and this blog, I'm an Organizing Junkie.  Not even sure how I ran across this, but I just kept finding different posts that related to what I was struggling with and wa-la, help had arrived.

So, honestly, that is really distracting from whatever else I have going on, whether it's doing school work, or just trying to relax.  There. Phew.  Feels good just to get it out.  But I made significant progress this weekend.

And, AND, I have motivation for being super productive this week.  I am meeting Dave in OKC for a night out on the town this weekend.  Dogs will be boarded with Bessie, and they will have a great time.  And so will we! He is done with training in a little less than 2 weeks, but I've only seen him once during his training and I CAN'T WAIT for this!

Lucky & Lonely MWF

I've got a gift certificate to paradise.  Just sayin.'  I love that Meghan bribed us to come back out with this lovely gift :)  The letters N.E.P.E.N.T.H.E. put a smile on my face.  I wish we were rich so we could escape to Big Sur on a whim...

I also recently used $45 of the $70 of paradise (massage from Jamie) that Dave got me for my birthday.  I'm a lucky girl.

I shouldn't have to, but I have to remind myself of this often.  I've been in sort of a rut lately.  It does and doesn't have to do with Dave leaving for 6 weeks.  A lot of the best friends we made out here have moved.  The local support system up and left! It's just what happens with the military, yes....but it stings a little!  Yes I'm a little picky in choosing friends, but I feel this is necessary based on my past experiences.  Feeling a little isolated here in Kansas, sometimes.   Not sure how else to describe it.  I know I have friends and family (afar) who love me.  But I think sometimes they seriously forget about us out here, that is all.  For a few years, I didn't get lonely.  I guess I was still on the high of getting to move around and "see the world" or whatever.  Well, I do like moving around.  But it doesn't always feel peachy, that is all.

BUT.  The lucky part.  I DO have Dave.  The best husband in the world.  I have bribes coming in from CA (have to go spend the certificate, right?) and invitations to run marathons with all my running buddies spread throughout the country.  As far as people not visiting here...well I often wonder if it is because we don't constantly invite people to come out, or they just take us coming home to MI or going other places for granted and don't even think how expensive it can get, and how difficult it is for us both to be able to leave at the same time and actually plan trips with Dave's AF surprise trips....or they just can't imagine visiting Kansas (well get over it, it's where we live).  Meghan wanted to visit on her way out West once, and I basically said no :/ I felt too overwhelmed at the time.  How crappy is that?? Oh, how my appreciation for true friendship has changed. 

Excerpt from Rachel Bertsche's MWF Seeking BFF (the book), talking about British anthropologist Robin Dunbar's theories on how the size of the human brain determines how many relationships we can maintain:

"Social network means something different today than it did back in the nineties.  Dunbar didn't care about the number of people who follow you on Twitter.  He was talking about relationships "that depend on extensive personal knowledge based on face-to-face interaction for their stability."  Reading someone's status update doesn't count."

And THAT is why facebook sucks.  And why I just started wondering why I even used it.  Well, over the past week, sometimes I did almost try to pull up Facebook to post something.  Then remembered, haha.  But then I think, who do I REALLY want to share this with?  Sometimes it's just not ideal to make a call in the middle of the day or expect text dialogue with those people when they are working or busy with other things.  That was the beauty of FB...you could just throw things on there.....for no one to pay attention.  And sort of wonder if the people who did like or commented on posts REALLY cared??  Ok I'm regurgitating Saturday's post.  So instead I post things on this blog...that no one reads :).  But, aside from anyone who runs across it or remembers that it exists or feels like checking it, this is really for me. Ok, maybe I wish people would read it.  But...I get something out of it regardless.

Point- those "real" relationships are important, and I have some really good ones at a distance.  FB was just making it easier to not work harder at them.  I have some good ones locally too...just have to remind myself to reach out to people (ya know, real interaction) when I start feeling like I'm millions of miles away from comfort.

Taking the control back!

Dear blog,

So, big step today.  That's right.  I deactivated my Facebook account.  I've done this before for temporary periods of time.  Mostly due to the fact that it's a time leach.  And my hiatuses didn't last that long....weak, I know.  I have still chosen not to completely delete it because I think there is a place for Facebook and maybe I will be back one day.  And despite my hunch that many others wouldn't agree, I think I have posted some interesting links and other "things" there that I may want to access later.

Anyway, I recently subscribed to a blog called "MWF Seeking BFF." That's code for  "Married White Female Seeking Best Friend Forever."  This is also a book that I also recently started reading.  Last week, the author posted an entry about facebook stalking.  Read here.  Sadly, I found this so relevant.  I admit.  Well, more generally, I think facebook has caused me to...take a turn for the worse...is the best way to put it.

I post pictures of my family, adventures, family adventures, even.  I post links to videos and articles I find interesting, usually hoping people read or watch and it results in some sort of intellectual banter (yeah sure, on FB).  That usually doesn't happen.  While I do have a "following" of about the same 30 or so people, what are the other 600 for? Now I know this whole thing is a two-way street.  Trust me, I spend lots of time doing what Rachel calls "stalking" people's FB pages who I'll probably never talk to again.  And for those I do care about....well I will get to that in a bit. 

So it makes me wonder, should you let facebook determine who your closest friends and family are? If some of your closest family and friends (or those who you think are or you want to be the closest) are on facebook, but "don't use it very much" and therefore never comment or pay attention to your posts, is it really strengthening that relationship? Um, no.  And should I (switching to 'I' instead of 'you'...because well this is about my problem:) draw the conclusion that they don't care?  Maybe...probably not.  And should I assume that the people who do pay attention to my FB "stuff" care about me the most? Not necessarily.  To be blunt, it's a really easy way to mindlessly pay attention to lots of people (and I am NOT implying this was the case with everyone who did pay attention to my posts, just making a point).  While I didn't realize it, I guess I was really just posting to the world to see who cares.  And mostly just disappointed (justified or not) when certain people didn't.  It may be the easiest way to throw information out there, but damn can it be heartless.

Yes, I'm still talking about FB (look I'm not even on it and it's sucking my time).  Even though it is hard, sometimes feels nearly impossible, for me to maintain phone communication with people, it needs to start.  I often wonder what certain family and friends are up to/the latest, and facebook isn't telling me that either.  And, my Grandmas aren't on facebook.  So, that isn't helpful :)

I'm just starting to feel like it isn't worth it, even if it is in sort of a selfish way.  I'm human, and I miss talking to certain people and feeling like they care.  I would rather TALK to people about wanting to go to medical school and my self-doubting and worries about if it's going to all work out (Skype dates with Meghan have been so awesome over the last few months).  Or maybe just blog about it sometimes, because that helps too.  Even an electronic diary is better than 600 FB friends (no offense).  I would rather send an email with a video or article to people who are important to me.  And, I miss showing people that I care (because I do) by getting (personal) updates.  I've always had a need to help people....a need to feel needed.  Yup, I've discussed that topic before and, it's definitely true of me.  So how do I expect to be able to impact, influence, or help people by spending so much time on FB?  I could have gotten in a lot of phone calls by now.  Or, anything really.  I know anyone reading this is probably thinking "duh" but that is ok.  At the ripe old age of 27,  I've been living and learning for a while now so I'm not ashamed.

I suppose I could have a FB life AND meaningful relationships.  But for now I'm just going to focus on the latter. 

Thank you for listening,
Breanne

no use in worrying

On a light note, a couple of interesting things from today:

1) Took Teddy to the dog park, he did his "business" shortly after arriving, and immediately after that before I could get to it, another dog rolled in his "business"  Wow.  Glad that isn't my dog.  Awkward telling the owner. 
2) The ice cream man drove by.....it's January 5th

My pre-med exploration phase continued today.  Have to say it's been a bit of a rollercoaster this week.  Went from the pre-med advising appointment that gave me the wake up call (more just like the confirmation) telling me I really don't have any of the med school pre-reqs done.  To a great conversation with an old friend/roommate/current med student about her experiences, and getting more encouragement and very helpful information about post-baccalaureate programs.  To crying the next day thinking it might be impossible to do this if Dave and I are separated for 8 years. To today....when I read more of a new favorite blog of mine by "Old M.D. Girl" titled "the long road to medical school."  Been reading it for a couple months now.  In SEVERAL ways, I can relate to her, I find her posts humorous and her info, again, very useful.  I found a post on marriage, and another one about not her post-bac program, but her road to getting into medical school even before that, taking a couple science classes at a time.  And her reasons for recommending this route (as opposed to jumping into a post-bac program). 

I decided that I don't need to have this all figured out today.  Because that would be CRAZY.  I'll soon have a Master's degree under my belt and can hopefully just work on getting the clinical experience (paid and/or volunteer) I need anyway to be a good candidate.  I already have a doctor in mind who I want to shadow.  WHY do I get BIG ideas in my head and jump ahead of myself?  If I'm lucky, I'll shadow a doc and find that I can't stand working with patients anyway!  Just kidding.  (but wouldn't that make the decision easier??)  If it is meant to be, it is meant to be.  I'll figure it out, and no reason to get upset in the meantime.  We'll just keep Dave's AF clock ticking, and maybe by the time I figure it out he'll have 20 years in! :)

Always been a swimmer, not a diver

I can quickly see this turning into my "road to med school blog" and then my "in med school" blog, as I won't have a life outside of it...ha! Oh and this is all still "if," of course...

I kind of just want to dive into it before I realize what I'm doing.  That sounds insane, and I don't think it's recommended.  Not really how I do things anyway.  I generally like to analyze every detail before making a decision.  But maybe I'm just sick of doing that?

Some humorous and inspiring things that have happened since I've been sharing this whole idea with people:

1) After telling her I was in a bad mood, Meghan telling me that she had some good news.  She was at the doctor for her yearly exam and.....nope, she isn't pregnant.  I thought that's what she was gonna say! No.  She told her doc (during her pap, mind you...ya know, pap small talk) about my 'med school aspirations' and she told Meghan I should go.  And Meghan tells me, all excited.  "I told my doc about you, and she said you should go!" Like, simple as that.  I laughed a lot, thinking...this woman doesn't know me.  But, at the same time, very cool. 

2)  Emily texting me and telling me she was stalking me on FB...and was wondering if I was still thinking about med school.  She told me I would be a rockstar.  How fun does that sound? :) Thanks, Em.

3) Rachel pointing out a young med student at Panera while we were studying, and me staring at her in admiration similar to the way a child stares at their hero :)  I seriously wanted to run up and talk to her.  Funny.

4) My professor who works with several doctors telling me he thinks there is a niche for me in that world and I would do well at it......that sort of made my day.


I sincerely hope this does not come across as bragging.  There is nothing to brag about, as I have not actually taken this leap yet.  But it's just exciting to hear encouragement from people who care, and even better, halfway believe it about myself too.

This is what we call "soul searching"

Following last week's meeting, I was so excited and confident about my ability to actually become a doctor (which may have come across in my post).  I know some people would say "well of course you could do it."  But if you really know me, you probably would be excited for me to have this type of revelation about myself:)

But that isn't all there is to it.  It's the external factors.  How long am I willing to live apart from Dave & Teddy?  Do I have time to get all the prerequisites done and still start at a decent age?  Am I willing to be pregnant during residency (let's face it, I would be in prime baby-making years...if not already later).  If you know me, you also probably wouldn't be surprised to know that immediately upon really considering this profession (more than just 'a thought') I started looking up "how this would work." Of course there are plenty of forums on the topic.  It was very interesting to read different tips and experiences.

Well this week, it feels closer to impossible.  Maybe I'm reading too many statistics on depression in medical students? :)

Most people (I would almost argue all people) need to be needed.  Some people might disagree, but I think it's human nature.  And I've always longed to make a difference.  When I was in the Air Force, it did get to a point where I felt needed.  But I certainly did not feel like I was making a difference.  It's important to be comfortable in what you are doing and know that you are working to your full potential.  Well, it's important for me.  Comes back to the infamous quote:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Well, I think the world DOES need more doctors.  But that fact aside, I think I would feel alive.  Directly being able to interact with people on a personal level, and getting to use 8 years of school and training and ongoing research to give them the best treatment I can.

I think another thing exciting to me about being a doctor despite the time and effort (and $) to get there is that not only would it be a constant challenge, but I really do think I would be good at it.  Something I was missing before.  What ever qualified me to be a good Communications Officer?  I was a good Officer, but I was not ok with not being passionate about Communications.  Because it was just a constant, tiring struggle/battle, not an exciting challenge. I was not alive.

Is going through 8 years of school really so bad if it makes you come out feeling alive (exhausted, but alive)?  Only I can make that call.  Shadow time.

Medical School

A couple weeks (vs months) between posts.  The goal is days.  Because this is therapeutic.

When I look back on my "journey" over the last 4 years (or maybe 8 if you count my time at Michigan), I really don't regret it at all.  I have doubted myself, over and over.  I started off in Engineering at Michigan and flopped.  I've come full circle today and have thought about engineering again.  But at the time I didn't even know why I was going to school for engineering (I believe the reason I chose it was because I was "good at math and science" according to high school guidance counselors.  My bad for not checking more into that...).  Well I'm old enough now to realize why that didn't work out.  I got a job in the Air Force that had nothing to do with my degree, which ended up being Movement Science (Air Force Officer standard....you're just leading people, "doesn't matter" what your degree is in).  Long story short, when I reflect on that time now, I was not happy with what I was doing for a couple reasons.  I was not trained in the field I was leading.  This was a big deal to me.  Additionally, regardless of how much training I had, I was in a position where I really couldn't change what I saw was wrong or not working. 

Like I mentioned, I'll keep that part "short."  But about a year ago, I was hungry for more education.  That is why I chose to go back to school at a good school nearby.  I didn't want an online degree because I wanted to get back in the classroom.  Fortunately for me, this was an option.  Although not always easy as I had to leave work early a lot to get to class.  I chose to go back to school for a Masters of Education in Exercise Science.  I saw this as an extension of my undergrad; and I just wanted to refresh what I had already learned and advance my education.  I was so excited to go back to school.  Call me crazy! I'm ok with that. It's about to get crazier.

Well as I got further and further into the degree, I was enjoying it.  I enjoyed the subject matter.  I didn't really enjoy people asking me what I was going to do with it, because I honestly didn't have an answer.  "Exercise Science" along with some certifications would allow me to be an "Exercise Physiologist."  What do they do, you're probably wondering.  No need to go into that either, really. (Ok, the American Society of Exercise Physiologists says "Exercise Physiology is the identification of physiological mechanisms underlying physical activity, the comprehensive delivery of treatment services concerned with the analysis, improvement, and maintenance of health and fitness, rehabilitation of heart disease and other diseases and/or disabilities, and the professional guidance and counsel of athletes and others interested in athletics, sports training, and human adaptability to acute and chronic exercise.").  No, I don't plan on being a personal trainer.  Don't need a Master's for that, and, I don't have interest in personal training.  No I don't plan on being a "gym teacher." My answer was pretty much no to every question I was asked, either because it wasn't the work of an exercise physiologist or because it wasn't my interest to apply it in that manner. But I love the material, and the concepts...and basically, how exercise fits into life...

My plan was to keep this short, but oh well:)  I've always thought off and on about almost every medical career field.  I used to "think" I wanted to be a Physical Therapist.  I've thought about Physician's Assistant, and Nursing.  And over the last few weeks, I've considered medical school.  What is really exciting is figuring what I do and don't want to do, and why.  For me, this has taken time.  But I think it's true for most people.

This evening, I met with a friend of Dave and I's who is an Air Force doctor.  Since considering this profession, I've been seeking out info from any docs I know!  What's making me lean toward this option is the ability to use the science to diagnose.  To use my exercise science background and beliefs in preventative medicine to treat patients.  I digress.  So, I was so excited walking away from this dinner "meeting" :) that I talked to Dave about it for 2 hours afterwards.  She was so awesome and it was a great conversation.  She kept apologizing for possibly boring me but I was anything but bored.  I was fascinated with everything.  What she really made me realize is that doctors march to the beat of a different drum.  But when have I not.  People will always discourage you from this profession.  "Why would you want to go to school that long? And it's a lot of money."  These are very valid points, and you must really want to be a doctor to go through with it, so I appreciate that honesty from a doctor.  But she talked me through it all.  She made me realize I would have a good shot of getting in.  She laid out several options for going through with it; she pointed out the cons AND the pros (I mention in that order because you really only hear about the cons usually).  She encouraged me to shadow some doctors. But she is a doctor and she was excited to talk about it.  It's up to me to figure out if it's what I want, but it was so refreshing to see and hear a glimpse of what I believe I would love about this profession.  Mostly, it was comforting to find someone who will guide me through THIS part of the journey...:)

I really believe that everything that happens to you shapes who you are;  my point in all this is that everything I have gone through has helped me get closer to, baby step by baby step, what I want to contribute to this very big world of ours.  And every step has given me a little more strength and confidence.  No journey is easy, but the challenge is really starting to feel worth it.

Dinner was on me.  A token of my appreciation for the huge inspiration I received. 

More to come.

Bittersweet Emotion

I've noticed that almost every single person who I tell I'm leaving the Air Force asks "So what are you going to do when you get out?"

Sometimes it is with a particular tone that implies there are no other options out there. This kind of makes me laugh and also really irritates me. Since it is completely untrue. Yeah, the job market is bad right now. You don't think I've weighed that factor?? Just another challenge.

The other part that I think adds to my frustration is that I just don't want to be asked that question. I get that it is a natural progression of the topic of conversation. But I don't know exactly what path I am headed down. And I'm ok with that. Do I want to work? Yes. Doing what? I'm exploring, and really wanting more time to study and find out what I really love. Do I want to have children? Yes. When? Not now. Any other questions? :)

What I do know, as my previous entries reveal, is that it was never going to be an easy decision for me to leave, and there will always be things I miss. I've accepted that. And still think about it. I also know that despite those things, I am excited for another chapter. I am excited to finish my Masters, and possibly go back to school again because I've been so hungry to learn (a skill set) for the last couple years. I am going to spend more quality time with my husband, and be home for the 6 months he is home each year simply because I feel like being apart more than that doesn't sound fun anymore. Well, it never did, but that went with me wanting to serve my country. I am going to create a more stable environment for our (future) children by ensuring at least one parent will be around when the other is sent off at a moment's notice. I know that making a career change now sounds better than trying to do it after I have children.

The journey of this decision has taught me that only you really know whats best for you. It's been a difficult decision, but I did it. No regrets about joining. No regrets about leaving. Maybe just a little bittersweet emotion.