the life of a mostly SAHW

The next person who calls me an AF wife might be getting a punch in the face. Whew that felt good! One of my friends recently introduced me to a blog written by a writer in NY. This post about being mostly a SAHM (stay at home mom) and this one about being a trophy wife. Perfect. Someone else knows my worst fears and deepest feelings. And her writing cracks me up.

I've written before about being an AF Wife. Oh at the time I was in my wanna-be-doctor phase. Those  same feelings are true today, though. But it isn't summer anymore and the longer and longer this "break" gets, the more unhappy I am.

All the choices I have made up until this point were my own. I am not complaining, I am very fortunate, and bottom line I chose love and sacrificed some other things I want (maybe also because I am not clear what that is exactly, at least for now. But I sure know I love the heck out of Dave).

I get really lonely when I feel there are a couple sets of people in my life who are around me, but not with me. The ones who are still in the AF and are a constant reminder of the things I hated and the things I loved about the AF, but who all still have a common bond I used to be a part of and no doubt don't quite see things from my new perspective. And those (who may or may not have been in the AF at one point) who assume I am happy because I am taking advantage of an opportunity to be with my husband more and getting the hell out of Kansas for a while. I try to make the best out of every situation, but that certainly does not mean I am completely fulfilled. I am still really trying to figure out how to get on my own path while still putting my family first.  It's tricky, and each day it feels like it gets a little harder and I'm spiraling into a permanent role as a full-time AF wife (*gasp*!). Don't get me wrong, I do not think there is anything wrong with that. But for me, I still want something else. And I can't rely on friends or family to light a fire under me, because while it really helped me a couple weeks ago when some amazing people kicked my ass a little, it doesn't last unless I really feel it myself. I have to get moving and figure it out.  

I already feel like a full-time dog-mom. The other day, about a week after we got Ellie her luxurious crate pad, I left the dogs home for about 6 hours while I went to lunch and a movie with a friend. She made it clear to me that she MUST have exercise before I leave each and every day. She was not tired from an hour at the park the day before, or her training. No she was charged and ready to go for another day of work as a border collie and I let her down by not letting her work. I came home to find her laying in a pile of shredded up foam. I lost my patience, but as I reflected later I realized it is because I blame myself for not giving her what she needed, and came to terms that it's not an option (like it is with the non-Border Collie, older Teddy). On Saturday, I took her to the end of the street in the open field to play fetch with her before we went out in the evening. She fetched the ball for 40 minutes and never slowed down.  Eventually I got too cold. She seemed tired, and was panting (and it's difficult to get her to that point), but never slowed down. She would have fetched the ball the rest of the night if I had kept throwing it, I think. I realized, she really feels it's her job if I ask her to do it. It is an admirable trait for a dog. Ok Ellie, I still love you. But you are going to get a reconstructed, sewn-up crate pad, not a new one. She is teaching me patience, though.

So, some days I am content being home. Some days I am not. I totally understand Lyz's struggles with modern womanhood.  I would also like to say that the next person who asks me if I get bored during the day, or asks "So, what do you do all day while Dave is gone?" (really, can't you ask "What have you been up to?") might also get an insulting response from me. I discussed my frustration with Dave recently and he said his Grandpa once told him "Boredom is a result of a lack of initiative on your part." I couldn't agree MORE.

No, I don't get bored. I read books, and have 20 in my queue. I am teaching myself to knit so I can make some gifts. I workout, soon to be twice a day, training for a long course triathlon and a couple half marathons. I look up fun recipes and cook. Oh, I go to the store so I can buy the yarn and needles to knit and the food to cook. I go to training with Ellie.  I take the dogs to the park to tire them out.  I pick up our damn mail because we don't have a mailbox. I read funny, interesting blogs written by people with cool experiences. I do dishes. I do laundry (ok, that part is boring, but it's on the list).  I've gone to 5 of the 21 wineries here in Spokane. Don't mind me while I hit up the other 16 and taste wine during the day because I can. I watch documentaries and/or shows on Netflix. I look for JOBS. I love my husband and am super proud of him and try to take care of him, even though I suck at that sometimes because I can be selfish. And when that happens I work on that. Must I go on?

Am I bored being a stay-at-home wife? No. Do I feel fulfilled? Not quite. I have more to give, and that is why I truly appreciate when people don't stop talking to me about that.  

*end blog post rant*