Taking the control back!

Dear blog,

So, big step today.  That's right.  I deactivated my Facebook account.  I've done this before for temporary periods of time.  Mostly due to the fact that it's a time leach.  And my hiatuses didn't last that long....weak, I know.  I have still chosen not to completely delete it because I think there is a place for Facebook and maybe I will be back one day.  And despite my hunch that many others wouldn't agree, I think I have posted some interesting links and other "things" there that I may want to access later.

Anyway, I recently subscribed to a blog called "MWF Seeking BFF." That's code for  "Married White Female Seeking Best Friend Forever."  This is also a book that I also recently started reading.  Last week, the author posted an entry about facebook stalking.  Read here.  Sadly, I found this so relevant.  I admit.  Well, more generally, I think facebook has caused me to...take a turn for the worse...is the best way to put it.

I post pictures of my family, adventures, family adventures, even.  I post links to videos and articles I find interesting, usually hoping people read or watch and it results in some sort of intellectual banter (yeah sure, on FB).  That usually doesn't happen.  While I do have a "following" of about the same 30 or so people, what are the other 600 for? Now I know this whole thing is a two-way street.  Trust me, I spend lots of time doing what Rachel calls "stalking" people's FB pages who I'll probably never talk to again.  And for those I do care about....well I will get to that in a bit. 

So it makes me wonder, should you let facebook determine who your closest friends and family are? If some of your closest family and friends (or those who you think are or you want to be the closest) are on facebook, but "don't use it very much" and therefore never comment or pay attention to your posts, is it really strengthening that relationship? Um, no.  And should I (switching to 'I' instead of 'you'...because well this is about my problem:) draw the conclusion that they don't care?  Maybe...probably not.  And should I assume that the people who do pay attention to my FB "stuff" care about me the most? Not necessarily.  To be blunt, it's a really easy way to mindlessly pay attention to lots of people (and I am NOT implying this was the case with everyone who did pay attention to my posts, just making a point).  While I didn't realize it, I guess I was really just posting to the world to see who cares.  And mostly just disappointed (justified or not) when certain people didn't.  It may be the easiest way to throw information out there, but damn can it be heartless.

Yes, I'm still talking about FB (look I'm not even on it and it's sucking my time).  Even though it is hard, sometimes feels nearly impossible, for me to maintain phone communication with people, it needs to start.  I often wonder what certain family and friends are up to/the latest, and facebook isn't telling me that either.  And, my Grandmas aren't on facebook.  So, that isn't helpful :)

I'm just starting to feel like it isn't worth it, even if it is in sort of a selfish way.  I'm human, and I miss talking to certain people and feeling like they care.  I would rather TALK to people about wanting to go to medical school and my self-doubting and worries about if it's going to all work out (Skype dates with Meghan have been so awesome over the last few months).  Or maybe just blog about it sometimes, because that helps too.  Even an electronic diary is better than 600 FB friends (no offense).  I would rather send an email with a video or article to people who are important to me.  And, I miss showing people that I care (because I do) by getting (personal) updates.  I've always had a need to help people....a need to feel needed.  Yup, I've discussed that topic before and, it's definitely true of me.  So how do I expect to be able to impact, influence, or help people by spending so much time on FB?  I could have gotten in a lot of phone calls by now.  Or, anything really.  I know anyone reading this is probably thinking "duh" but that is ok.  At the ripe old age of 27,  I've been living and learning for a while now so I'm not ashamed.

I suppose I could have a FB life AND meaningful relationships.  But for now I'm just going to focus on the latter. 

Thank you for listening,
Breanne