This is what we call "soul searching"

Following last week's meeting, I was so excited and confident about my ability to actually become a doctor (which may have come across in my post).  I know some people would say "well of course you could do it."  But if you really know me, you probably would be excited for me to have this type of revelation about myself:)

But that isn't all there is to it.  It's the external factors.  How long am I willing to live apart from Dave & Teddy?  Do I have time to get all the prerequisites done and still start at a decent age?  Am I willing to be pregnant during residency (let's face it, I would be in prime baby-making years...if not already later).  If you know me, you also probably wouldn't be surprised to know that immediately upon really considering this profession (more than just 'a thought') I started looking up "how this would work." Of course there are plenty of forums on the topic.  It was very interesting to read different tips and experiences.

Well this week, it feels closer to impossible.  Maybe I'm reading too many statistics on depression in medical students? :)

Most people (I would almost argue all people) need to be needed.  Some people might disagree, but I think it's human nature.  And I've always longed to make a difference.  When I was in the Air Force, it did get to a point where I felt needed.  But I certainly did not feel like I was making a difference.  It's important to be comfortable in what you are doing and know that you are working to your full potential.  Well, it's important for me.  Comes back to the infamous quote:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Well, I think the world DOES need more doctors.  But that fact aside, I think I would feel alive.  Directly being able to interact with people on a personal level, and getting to use 8 years of school and training and ongoing research to give them the best treatment I can.

I think another thing exciting to me about being a doctor despite the time and effort (and $) to get there is that not only would it be a constant challenge, but I really do think I would be good at it.  Something I was missing before.  What ever qualified me to be a good Communications Officer?  I was a good Officer, but I was not ok with not being passionate about Communications.  Because it was just a constant, tiring struggle/battle, not an exciting challenge. I was not alive.

Is going through 8 years of school really so bad if it makes you come out feeling alive (exhausted, but alive)?  Only I can make that call.  Shadow time.

Medical School

A couple weeks (vs months) between posts.  The goal is days.  Because this is therapeutic.

When I look back on my "journey" over the last 4 years (or maybe 8 if you count my time at Michigan), I really don't regret it at all.  I have doubted myself, over and over.  I started off in Engineering at Michigan and flopped.  I've come full circle today and have thought about engineering again.  But at the time I didn't even know why I was going to school for engineering (I believe the reason I chose it was because I was "good at math and science" according to high school guidance counselors.  My bad for not checking more into that...).  Well I'm old enough now to realize why that didn't work out.  I got a job in the Air Force that had nothing to do with my degree, which ended up being Movement Science (Air Force Officer standard....you're just leading people, "doesn't matter" what your degree is in).  Long story short, when I reflect on that time now, I was not happy with what I was doing for a couple reasons.  I was not trained in the field I was leading.  This was a big deal to me.  Additionally, regardless of how much training I had, I was in a position where I really couldn't change what I saw was wrong or not working. 

Like I mentioned, I'll keep that part "short."  But about a year ago, I was hungry for more education.  That is why I chose to go back to school at a good school nearby.  I didn't want an online degree because I wanted to get back in the classroom.  Fortunately for me, this was an option.  Although not always easy as I had to leave work early a lot to get to class.  I chose to go back to school for a Masters of Education in Exercise Science.  I saw this as an extension of my undergrad; and I just wanted to refresh what I had already learned and advance my education.  I was so excited to go back to school.  Call me crazy! I'm ok with that. It's about to get crazier.

Well as I got further and further into the degree, I was enjoying it.  I enjoyed the subject matter.  I didn't really enjoy people asking me what I was going to do with it, because I honestly didn't have an answer.  "Exercise Science" along with some certifications would allow me to be an "Exercise Physiologist."  What do they do, you're probably wondering.  No need to go into that either, really. (Ok, the American Society of Exercise Physiologists says "Exercise Physiology is the identification of physiological mechanisms underlying physical activity, the comprehensive delivery of treatment services concerned with the analysis, improvement, and maintenance of health and fitness, rehabilitation of heart disease and other diseases and/or disabilities, and the professional guidance and counsel of athletes and others interested in athletics, sports training, and human adaptability to acute and chronic exercise.").  No, I don't plan on being a personal trainer.  Don't need a Master's for that, and, I don't have interest in personal training.  No I don't plan on being a "gym teacher." My answer was pretty much no to every question I was asked, either because it wasn't the work of an exercise physiologist or because it wasn't my interest to apply it in that manner. But I love the material, and the concepts...and basically, how exercise fits into life...

My plan was to keep this short, but oh well:)  I've always thought off and on about almost every medical career field.  I used to "think" I wanted to be a Physical Therapist.  I've thought about Physician's Assistant, and Nursing.  And over the last few weeks, I've considered medical school.  What is really exciting is figuring what I do and don't want to do, and why.  For me, this has taken time.  But I think it's true for most people.

This evening, I met with a friend of Dave and I's who is an Air Force doctor.  Since considering this profession, I've been seeking out info from any docs I know!  What's making me lean toward this option is the ability to use the science to diagnose.  To use my exercise science background and beliefs in preventative medicine to treat patients.  I digress.  So, I was so excited walking away from this dinner "meeting" :) that I talked to Dave about it for 2 hours afterwards.  She was so awesome and it was a great conversation.  She kept apologizing for possibly boring me but I was anything but bored.  I was fascinated with everything.  What she really made me realize is that doctors march to the beat of a different drum.  But when have I not.  People will always discourage you from this profession.  "Why would you want to go to school that long? And it's a lot of money."  These are very valid points, and you must really want to be a doctor to go through with it, so I appreciate that honesty from a doctor.  But she talked me through it all.  She made me realize I would have a good shot of getting in.  She laid out several options for going through with it; she pointed out the cons AND the pros (I mention in that order because you really only hear about the cons usually).  She encouraged me to shadow some doctors. But she is a doctor and she was excited to talk about it.  It's up to me to figure out if it's what I want, but it was so refreshing to see and hear a glimpse of what I believe I would love about this profession.  Mostly, it was comforting to find someone who will guide me through THIS part of the journey...:)

I really believe that everything that happens to you shapes who you are;  my point in all this is that everything I have gone through has helped me get closer to, baby step by baby step, what I want to contribute to this very big world of ours.  And every step has given me a little more strength and confidence.  No journey is easy, but the challenge is really starting to feel worth it.

Dinner was on me.  A token of my appreciation for the huge inspiration I received. 

More to come.

You've Got a Friend in Me

So, perhaps we could have gotten into character a little more...Jessie could have winked, Woody could have engraved "Andy" on the bottom of his boot...

 ...and, Teddy would have probably made a good Bullseye, no? :)

Jessie and Woody

And then our friend pointed out that Jessie really likes Buzz....and I remembered that Woody and Jessie were more like "brother and sister" or "best friends." Oops.  Details, details.  The best friend part works out.  And as another good friend pointed out to Dave "You're an awesome Woody!" Good times.

Dave and I have never been the "biggest" Halloween people (I'm a bigger fan than he is, I think), but distance makes the heart grow fonder! Dave has been deployed for the last couple Halloweens, so I was excited for this year.  Dave was also deployed this year when I came up with the idea of being Woody and Jessie (actually, I believe the idea originated from a friend who said he looked like Woody in his cowboy jeans a few months back...)

So, even though Dave voted for me buying a Jessie costume with chaps included, I thought it would be cooler if we (he) made them.  Dave can sew (what can't he do?), but I don't think he wanted to "mess them up." I had all the confidence.  So, on the day of our friend's Halloween party (nothing like waiting to the last minute), we bought a sewing machine and Dave sewed my chaps!  So much cooler than buying the pre-made Jessie suit.  I wish I had taken a picture of him working on them....so impressive! Ok I'm done bragging for now (But don't they look good? :)

While Dave was laboring on the sewing machine, I was baking.  I wanted to contribute more than just alcohol to my friend Liz's party, ha!  Pretty sure a lot of people didn't want cake after filling up on her YUMMY 30 lbs of chili, but these (recipe here) got me into the spirit a little bit:

Our friend Randy went as Dave.  It was great.  See the resemblance??

Seriously the best witch EVER, my lovely friend Adinah (she had that face on all night....awesome).

Me with the host, the lovely Liz.

Our friends Matt and Katie.  Matt as Katie (Phantom of the Opera) and Katie as Matt (Pilot).  Clever!

Oh dear.

And every party needs a Scream guy.

Yeah there was a lil' extra cake.

Liz throws an excellent party! Great costumes, great music, great ambiance, great food, some other great photos maybe I won't post here, haha, and some great friends.  Happy Halloween. 

A Fallen Hero

I'll never forget the confusion and the heaviness I felt in my chest when an out-of-the-blue facebook post (a simple ":(" face) on my wall from an old friend led me to do some searching around...facebook. I was quickly able to conclude from the overwhelming amount of condolences on her cousin Meg's wall that Meg's brother Ian had passed away. My family used to vacation in the U.P. every summer with Meg and Ian's family when we were all just a bit younger.

Ian was a Marine who worked in an EOD unit. Explosive Ordnance Disposal. One of the ones who wears a bomb suit and disarms IEDs. One of the most dangerous jobs you can get. While I had lost touch with the McConnell family over the years, I followed Ian and Meg on facebook regularly. Imagine that. Me, on facebook. But it was Meg's facebook page that always kept me in the loop on when Ian was gone, and just how close they were and how much she adored him. This facebook connection was also what allowed me to catch up with Ian a little bit during his last deployment. He messaged me one day while I was just sittin' on the couch doing my hw...and naturally getting distracted by fb. Out in the middle of nowhere disarming bombs, I'm sure his unit had the ultimate Comm hook-up. One of the perks of putting your life on the line daily.

Of course I don't remember talking much about Ian....because he had plenty of questions for me about what I was up to and what was going on in my life. I'm sure any distraction from the stresses of that environment were welcomed. Ian did talk a little...I told him we want to go to Washington state for our next assignment and he told me how beautiful it is and that he would like to move there when he gets out of the USMC. We chatted a few different times, I sent him a care package, he told me I ROCKED (I sent him a care package, he disarms bombs for a living....who do you think is more awesome?), he mentioned wanting to buy me and Dave a beer some day (again, I think that one would be on us...but Ian was always that way...I even remember as a kid) we messaged back and forth a couple more times towards the end of his deployment/his way home...and that was it.

Ian committed suicide on July 6, 2011. He suffered from PTSD and had recently lost a best friend to the war (and I'm sure others previously). I don't know all of the other details and intricacies of what was going on in his life...but knowing his job and what he probably went through on multiple deployments was enough that it didn't come as a HUGE shock. Which is even MORE sad. It was a wake-up call that no matter how much love and support a person has, no matter how many people view you as a hero, a mentor, friend...no matter how much you positively impact other people's lives (this was all obviously the case with Ian), there is a mental condition that can take it all away. Can make the pain unbearable to live. As his sister put it, the PTSD killed him. I've really been struggling with how very very sad this is. This happens all of the time, but this time I happened to know the person. It struck me. How terribly, terribly sad it is. I just wanted to share this as awareness...that this problem is prevalent throughout the military. There are different levels of care, accessibility to services, etc. but the problem is serious. Bottom line. Ian is a casualty of war.

RIP Ian. My memories of you will always be of the happy times at Birch Shores. Your cheerful personality and distinct grin. Swimming to the island. Shooting the potato gun...ya know, trying to hit the raft. Skiing. Dinners on your #1 Cabin bluff. I'm just so sorry that we never got to reunite in person to catch up and reminisce. Thank you for your service.

Bittersweet Emotion

I've noticed that almost every single person who I tell I'm leaving the Air Force asks "So what are you going to do when you get out?"

Sometimes it is with a particular tone that implies there are no other options out there. This kind of makes me laugh and also really irritates me. Since it is completely untrue. Yeah, the job market is bad right now. You don't think I've weighed that factor?? Just another challenge.

The other part that I think adds to my frustration is that I just don't want to be asked that question. I get that it is a natural progression of the topic of conversation. But I don't know exactly what path I am headed down. And I'm ok with that. Do I want to work? Yes. Doing what? I'm exploring, and really wanting more time to study and find out what I really love. Do I want to have children? Yes. When? Not now. Any other questions? :)

What I do know, as my previous entries reveal, is that it was never going to be an easy decision for me to leave, and there will always be things I miss. I've accepted that. And still think about it. I also know that despite those things, I am excited for another chapter. I am excited to finish my Masters, and possibly go back to school again because I've been so hungry to learn (a skill set) for the last couple years. I am going to spend more quality time with my husband, and be home for the 6 months he is home each year simply because I feel like being apart more than that doesn't sound fun anymore. Well, it never did, but that went with me wanting to serve my country. I am going to create a more stable environment for our (future) children by ensuring at least one parent will be around when the other is sent off at a moment's notice. I know that making a career change now sounds better than trying to do it after I have children.

The journey of this decision has taught me that only you really know whats best for you. It's been a difficult decision, but I did it. No regrets about joining. No regrets about leaving. Maybe just a little bittersweet emotion.

Tears are weapons

I have recently discovered for myself that tears really do 'cleanse.' One of my New Years resolutions was to not allow work to give me stomach pains...or any kind of physical pain, really. Well, I've never really been too good with resolutions. It's probably bad luck to begin with that I usually don't even get around to making them until around the 3rd or 4th of January.

So, just give it a few weeks and around the 3rd week of January (I did really good the first couple of weeks....I did), I not only found myself with the normal chest pains and stomach aches, but I found myself bursting into tears on the way home from work. Yes, tears. Never even really saw them coming, but it's like all day my body was just waiting to release the unbearable amount of stress I was feeling. As I cried, I even kind of laughed at the same time. Let me tell you, it was all soon followed by some really loud singing and banging on the steering wheel.

Might sound extreme. Ask me to recall the specific events that brought this stress on, and I can't. Maybe this is an indication that it was never worth stressing over in the first place, I'm not sure. But who are you to judge?! :-) It's really the same types of things work-related, day in and day out. Perhaps the bigger problem is me allowing things to stress me out so much (but again, who can really be the judge of whether or not I'm overreacting other than me? I have high standards...for myself...for others...for the Air Force). I don't think my problem is dealing with the stress. Because my body took care of that real quickly.

So quickly, in fact, that it intrigued me. This was not an expected cry, like other types of emotional tears...like ones you expect when someone close to you passes away, for example. I've never questioned those tears. These were formed from frustration...anger, even.

A couple weeks later, it happened again. I decided to do some reading on stress, tears, the different types of tears and their makeup.

There are Basal tears, the ones that continuously keep your cornea wet. Kind of boring. Then there are reflex tears, which wash away irritants or foreign objects that get in your eye. And lastly, there are 'crying' tears...associated with a range of emotion and sometimes even accompanied by all kinds of other exciting physical symptoms.

If the chemicals/proteins associated with stress did not discharge at all, they would build up to toxic levels that could weaken the body's immune system and other biological processes. But the body has its own mechanisms of coping with this stress. The chemicals are secreted when we sweat and when we cry.

Inadvertently in crying the person is aiding the emotional processing of the hurt experience. It means they are mentally facing and accepting the event that has upset them and allowing the natural response of crying to occur. This allows emotional processing to proceed, weakening the power of the thoughts to upset them (possibly through exposure and habituation). Each time upsetting thoughts are faced and reacted to, their power is weakened so that gradually emotional hurts become less painful. ~ Roger Baker

After each 'episode,' I felt relief. I was winning! (I got that from my older, wiser brother, Brandon). I could get on with starting all over the next day. Maybe a couple more weeks of BS (I'm sorry, toxic proteins) would build up and I'd have to get rid of it again.

So, I know that I have tears to battle the 'pain.' They are on my side. And people look at tears as a sign of weakness. Ha! I think not. They are weapons. Let them work for you. They work for me. (I must have a lot of toxins building up, because I sweat a lot too when I workout...)

Service

Over this past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Airlift Tanker Association 2010 Annual Conference in Orlando, FL. I signed up to go about a month ago and was looking forward to going, but at the same time didn't quite know what to expect. It's name implies it is just a 'pilot's' conference, but I knew this was not the case as there were many of us attending from different career fields.

The days were spent attending seminars, listening to speakers, to include the Chief of Staff of the Air Force, and perusing vendor booths, such as Boeing and Lockheed Martin, during meals. Some things I heard were somewhat frustrating, such as the seminar on 'Air Refueling Optimization.' It seemed like the gist of this one was that we are just now starting to try to do this (coordinating missions in order to waste less fuel, minimize missions, etc)...really? How long have we been doing air refueling? I'm sure that there is more to it that I don't understand (or maybe not?), but regardless I was surprised. And a little disappointed.

Or the 'Medical Lessons Learned 2010- Haiti and Afghanistan.' The Vice Commander of the Medical Embedded Training Team spoke about their experiences at the Kandahar Regional Military Hospital, and how we can enhance the medical mentoring mission. We are faced with many obstacles and met with resistance when mentoring the Afghan National Army in the hospital, which is difficult to accept when we are far more advanced in our medical practice. Sometimes this results in the unneccessary loss of lives. On our dime.

But then there is Haiti. Disaster relief ops are a core capability of the airlift community, and it was awesome to hear what the Air Force did to get there as quickly as possible and provide medical support (following the 10 Jan earthquake).

We heard the story of an Airman, a flight engineer, who returned from a deployment to find out that he had cancer in his foot, resulting in an amputation of his lower leg. He asked the doctor the quickest way he could get back to flight status, and after a lot of biking along with the support of his unit, he was back with his team in the jet in no time.

One of our very own KC-135 aircrews was recognized for one of their missions in Afghanistan...the critical refueling of an A-10 engaged in a ground attack. Not that this is an irregular occurrence; just the opposite, the fact that it is such a regular occurrence makes you start to realize how important teamwork is and how much we really take care of each other. In so many ways.

I chose to attend a seminar about EOD. The pamphlet said "This briefing will illustrate how these EOD technicians perform this critical duty." Because I have such a great appreciation for this career field, I figured I would learn a little more about it. But I heard something completely different. I heard stories from 2 NCOs. Stories about the teammates they had lost on their deployments, and how they keep going and performing their job in the midst of these losses. It was painful fighting the tears and eventually a few slipped out. I was overwhelmed with emotion on this one, and when I went to shake their hands and thank them after, I could barely keep myself together.

We heard Joe Jackson speak. Out of his hour and a half presentation, he only talked about his 'Medal of Honor' actions in Vietnam for about 5 minutes. He flew his C-123 down into a fire-fight to rescue 3 combat controllers left behind during the evacuation of a post. He assumed the risk. A huge, huge risk. To save his brothers.

Regardless of whether or not we 'should' be in Afghanistan, currently or at all. Regardless of what anyone's view is about this war, whether they support it or feel similar to the majority who disapproved of the Vietnam war...there is no denying that the AF, along with our sister services, is an amazing team, capable of doing amazing things. Working together to protect each other and serve others.

Very fitting for the somewhat rejuvenated, prideful state I was in, we had Dr. Ken Pitetti, a Vietnam Veteran and currently a professor at Wichita State University, speak to our 'Exercise in Health and Disease' class on Monday evening. Dr. Pitetti has a lower leg amputation. He lost his leg in combat operations in Vietnam. He returned from Vietnam and soon after got involved with research that would help in understanding exercise for those with lower extremity amputations. He said he didn't feel qualified when he was being encouraged to take on the study ('Aerobic training exercises for individuals who had amputation of the lower limb'), but decided that he wanted to do something for those returning from the war. He wanted to continue to serve others. Especially during a time when America 'literally and figuratively spit on veterans.' He now works with developmentally disabled children. I had already decided that if Physical Therapy is in my future, I would like to work in a rehabilitation setting, including individuals with prosthetic limbs. He shed light on a different way to help them- through exercise. Just another option.

He is very passionate about exercise for lower extremity amputees. He is very passionate about those people taking care of themselves and not feeling sorry for themselves. He feels passionate about others around those individuals not enabling that to happen.


'Life isn't fair or unfair; it isn't good or bad. It just is'


He says life is about adjusting. The better you are at adjusting to what happens to you, the better off you are. Who can argue with that? Not me. Served as an important reminder for me when I feel like things just suck.

He finished by sharing his feelings on service. Not enough young people serve others, serve their country. Not necessarily just through the military, but period. Not enough have the desire to or understand the importance of serving. Who can argue with that? I can't. That is why I joined the Air Force, so no matter what else happens and no matter how many things frustrate me day to day...no matter how much a service member agrees or disagrees with our actions in Iraq and Afghanistan, they step up and say 'where do you need me?' and they go. Dr. Pitetti said he spends so much time working out in the base gym because he loves being surrounded by people who understand what it is all about (although I will argue that there are those in the service who don't share this same understanding and seemed to have joined for more personal reasons). This idea, of doing something bigger than yourself, is very important. I agree with Dr. Pitetti and I made sure to thank him for HIS service after he thanked me for mine.


It's what it's all about.

keep the spotlight on the heartbreaking situations

Chance Phelps. Some of you may know him from the movie 'Taking Chance,' the HBO film that tells the story of a Marine who gave his life in OIF being escorted home by a Lt Col from his hometown. The film beautifully brings to light the honor and respect that is given to every fallen hero on their journey home.

I never knew Chance when he was alive, but he has certainly touched me in a special way through his story.

When I found out I was deploying, I began to wonder how much time I would have to run. I knew I wanted to keep this stress-relieving activity in my routine. Then, some of my friends told me about 'satellite runs' in the desert. People were organizing races in Iraq and Afghanistan to coincide with a race back in the States (same date), getting official race t-shirts and essentially letting runners be a part of something back home even though they weren't there. How cool!

Of course when I got to Kandahar, at first I was 'too busy.' But as I participated in more and more organized runs, I realized it was possible and I really needed to do it....something to do outside of work. Otherwise, the work never ended. I tried to get some sponsors back home and didn't get a response. One of my friends back home even tried to help me out by offering to mail stuff for the race but with no response from sponsors, I kind of gave up.

Ironically enough, as I was doing a long 8 mile run around the base on a Sunday afternoon, a fellow runner who I had met during my travels to Kandahar but was in a different unit on the other side of base, ran up beside me. I was towards the end of my run and about to start walking...but he distracted me long enough to finish it up. One thing we chatted about was movies....somehow 'Taking Chance" came to mind and I asked him if he had seen it. He said no, so when I returned to work, I Googled the movie to get the link for him and ended up at the HBO site.

I browsed around for a while and noticed a link at the bottom of the page. 'Run 4 Chance.' Curious, I clicked on it. It was an HBO initiative to raise money for The Chance Phelps Foundation through running. And that is when I really learned about who Chance Phelps was and what his family has done to honor him and serve veterans and their families since his death in 2004. I was amazed with the story.

http://www.chancephelps.org/

There were other links on the page about organizing running events, but none of the links seemed active/up to date. I gave up again.

But the next day, I was still thinking ' how can I raise money for this foundation? How cool would it be if Kandahar did a 'Run 4 Chance' race?' I went back to the page and finally found a 'Contact' link. This brought me to a list of 2 individuals with email addresses. One was the webmaster. It didn't say who the other was. So I emailed him regarding my interest. He emailed me back right away. He was the Phelps family attorney, and immediately put me in contact with Gretchen Mack, Chance Phelp's mother.

From there, I emailed back and forth with her and the ball started rolling. I got approval through my chain of command and the base approval officials to hold the race. A friend suggested I check with the USO on base to see if they would sponsor it (mainly, the t-shirts). They jumped on the opportunity to support such a great cause. It all started falling into place. Members of my Sq really helped kick things off by sitting at the registration table in shifts, every day of the week. In the end, I had about 60 volunteers who helped prior to and on race day.

My 'Opening Remarks'

The Start

Crazy Marine who always won every race:-)

Our Shirt, MSgt Anderson (#107), who helped me get all of my volunteers!

Some enthusiastic, pumped up finishers!

It got kind of crazy. It wasn't easy in such an already hectic environment. But on the first day of registration, we had already raised $1,700. I was so excited. In the end, we raised $5K.

I am proud of my deployment and what I did in support of all of my fellow members who were really fighting the war. I worked my a** off and lots of my Amn worked their a**** off and kicked a**. But the thing that gave me the greatest amount of fulfillment was raising money for a foundation that provides aid to military veterans and their families, and families of our fallen heroes. It truly was the best feeling I had during my time there.

I didn't know Chance, but he has forever changed me. Through his sacrifice. Through his heroism. Through his mother, a hero in my eyes for all that she does for others who have gone through the pain she has experienced. What she does for veterans who need support when they return home. It was an honor just to correspond with her and have her support in doing a Run 4 Chance. I hope to go to Wyoming and meet her one day.

When I look through pictures of Chance, it all seems more real to me. No, I didn't know him. But I think of every mother and father who has lost a child in this war. I think of what Gretchen is doing to help, in every way she can.

It has really been on my mind a lot. 16 May 2010 was an awesome day when 300+ runners ran 4 Chance. I would love to organize another Run 4 Chance next year here in Wichita, KS.

As good timing would have it, the other night I was watching the Emmy Awards intermittently as I studied and I tuned into a speech that tugged at this particular heartstring. George Clooney was awarded the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award for 'having made a life-changing impact upon society.' As he closed he made a request to the viewers at home to 'keep the spotlight burning on the heartbreaking situations after the cameras go away.' While the context of his speech was primarily humanitarian disasters...it was a reminder for me of all of the the tragedies and heartbreak that is not paid enough attention. For me, military families who experience a loss are holding a special place in my heart and have been doing so since I opened my eyes several months ago. Now that the deployment is over and I'm back to not only a busy schedule but a more chaotic one as well, it is important to remember that families are still losing loved ones like Chance every day. It took a deployment to really feel what is going on...but I miss Chance, for his family. My heart breaks for them.

Head vs. Heart

Some people primarily use one. Some people primarily use the other. I seem to let them battle it out pretty hard sometimes (maybe sometimes longer than is necessary as I worry about my decisions).

Right after my last revelation (read here for heartfelt emotions), my mind started going in high gear to determine what I would need to do to make it all happen. (Getting into WSU's physical therapy program). Volunteer hours. Study for/take GRE. Ok, I could probably get those done before November 15 (application deadline for the 2010 class). But then the pre-reqs. Take some pre-reqs...retake others. Back myself into a corner to get all As in the pre-reqs to even be considered for the P.T. program, let alone competitive. All while working full time. Why would I do this to myself? Some might feel it would be a risk worth taking, but I decided the timing isn't right.

The day before I was supposed to meet with a counselor for the P.T. program to discuss pre-requisites, I canceled. No, I'm not giving up. But hear me out. I didn't want her to potentially make me question all of my thinking over the past week...

All of my thinking from the past week culminated in another decision that made me feel more comfortable. My head had a little conversation with my heart, if you will. They compromised. I was starting to feel very overwhelmed. Putting too much on my plate and setting myself up to be disappointed in myself if everything didn't work out and I didn't get in. Basically, I want to give myself a fair shot at getting into P.T. school and now doesn't feel like the time. Plus, other things keep floating around my head....even P.A. school. I need to be more positive of the route I'm going to take before flipping my world upside down.

So the compromise is this. I'm going to continue with my Master of Education in Exercise Science while continuing to work (this is undoubtedly the right decision for my student loans). As my commitment in the Air Force draws closer to an end, I will look for jobs in my field. While I work on my Masters and get re-engaged with my field of study, I hope to focus in more on exactly what I want to do. This still allows me to do what I need to do for myself while not making snap decisions I may regret. This makes me happy.

If P.T. school is in my future, it will probably be at our next base (hopefully Spokane, Washington at Fairchild Air Force Base. School: Eastern Washington University. Yes, I've looked ahead to possible schools in the areas we could move). If I try to get in the 2012 class here, I would be staying here for an additional year to finish when Dave moves to another base in 2014. Nothing about this is simple! But that is ok...I signed up to be flexible when I married Dave (or I guess I should say I signed up to be extra flexible). It's a little stressful, but it's life. This gives me plenty of time to get more experience, knock out some pre-reqs and bump up my GPA if needed for yet another degree. Who knows, maybe I won't even need another one to do what I want to do.

Sound like a plan? I think so. Thank you head. Thank you heart. I feel great about this. Let's do this.

Change

'In change there is destruction, decay and despair, and yet there is also creation, opportunity and the potential for immense joy. Change itself is neutral. It doesn't care what it does to you. What really matters is what you do with it.' - Ralph Marston

A couple of days ago, as we were making the long drive back from Chicago to Wichita, I was lost in another one of my moments...in the midst of 'trying to figure out what to do with my life' and what my next step is going to be, and I stumbled upon this quote on a friend's facebook page and it hit me. Why am I so afraid to let the Air Force go? I guess I'm too comfortable in a way. Yet I'm so very uncomfortable. Over the last several months, I've started to give more and more consideration to what I'm going to do with my future as I've clearly become less and less happy with my current occupation. For several reasons that I can't really begin to explain, I've really struggled with 'should I stay or should I go?' I keep giving myself reasons (logical reasons I guess you could say) to stay, but my heart says go.

It's like loving many things about a person but not being 'in love' with them. That is how I would have to describe my relationship with the Air Force. Air Force, we aren't a good fit anymore. Not sure we ever were, but I'll never regret our time together.

I know, strange analogy.

Why do I feel like I would be defeated if I get out of the Air Force? Maybe it is because my confidence isn't always the highest, and staying in until retirement would prove something....well I think that is wrong...especially after seeing some dirtbags make it until retirement.

On top of that- applying to Physical Therapy school....not afraid to admit that this is SCARY for me. College days are sort of haunting me...I struggled in school. Struggled to focus on my studies while I was focusing more on ROTC. I guess I thought putting most of my time into this would make me a better Officer after Commissioning...or something. And some of my 'focus' went to partying, of course. I'm not the only one to learn the hard way though, right?

Fact is-I WANTED to serve my country. I WANTED to love being in the Air Force. I THOUGHT I would love being in the Air Force...and maybe stay in for 20 years. Well, I did serve my country. And I'm happy about that. Very proud of that, and proud every time I put my uniform on. But I'm currently FAR from loving what I'm doing. There will be parts of it I will miss terribly....but it isn't enough. I'm in Communications and computers are far from my thing. Not helping.
What will I miss? It's worth mentioning.

I love wearing the uniform because of what it stands for and represents. I take pleasure in the conversations and experiences I have with Amn of all ranks....I know I've learned from many of them but I also hope I have and do impact people's lives in a positive way. I think I'm holding out...waiting to actually believe and prove to myself that I'm doing this. I've also realized that I thoroughly enjoy working with self-motivated Amn...those who need guidance or a push in the right direction...they need leadership but have the right attitude. But I am not confident that I am the leader who knows what to do with those who bring no motivation or pride of their own. I've had several leaders I respect tell me the Air Force needs Officers like me (I'm not into tooting my own horn but it has swayed me) and this makes me wonder 'Am I doing a better job than I think? Am I just being hard on myself because that is what I tend to do and will I do this in any job?' Who knows.......and then there is giving up awesome benefits/pay. I'm going to go from what I make now to making nothing, or close to nothing, while I'm in school for 3 years again? Ahhh.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend...fellow 1st Lt...I shared with him that I am strongly considering applying to PT school. He said 'do it' and essentially pointed out that what I don't like about the AF and being in the AF isn't going to change or get better. I told him I keep giving myself reasons to stay. He said, in a passionate tone: Go do what you want to do, do something fun, do what will make you happy!

Maybe the majority of people don't 'love' their jobs, but I owe it to myself to find a higher level of joy in my work. You never know until you try. I have to go for it. I have to listen to my heart a little more and embrace the change. The opportunity and the potential for immense joy.