Head vs. Heart

Some people primarily use one. Some people primarily use the other. I seem to let them battle it out pretty hard sometimes (maybe sometimes longer than is necessary as I worry about my decisions).

Right after my last revelation (read here for heartfelt emotions), my mind started going in high gear to determine what I would need to do to make it all happen. (Getting into WSU's physical therapy program). Volunteer hours. Study for/take GRE. Ok, I could probably get those done before November 15 (application deadline for the 2010 class). But then the pre-reqs. Take some pre-reqs...retake others. Back myself into a corner to get all As in the pre-reqs to even be considered for the P.T. program, let alone competitive. All while working full time. Why would I do this to myself? Some might feel it would be a risk worth taking, but I decided the timing isn't right.

The day before I was supposed to meet with a counselor for the P.T. program to discuss pre-requisites, I canceled. No, I'm not giving up. But hear me out. I didn't want her to potentially make me question all of my thinking over the past week...

All of my thinking from the past week culminated in another decision that made me feel more comfortable. My head had a little conversation with my heart, if you will. They compromised. I was starting to feel very overwhelmed. Putting too much on my plate and setting myself up to be disappointed in myself if everything didn't work out and I didn't get in. Basically, I want to give myself a fair shot at getting into P.T. school and now doesn't feel like the time. Plus, other things keep floating around my head....even P.A. school. I need to be more positive of the route I'm going to take before flipping my world upside down.

So the compromise is this. I'm going to continue with my Master of Education in Exercise Science while continuing to work (this is undoubtedly the right decision for my student loans). As my commitment in the Air Force draws closer to an end, I will look for jobs in my field. While I work on my Masters and get re-engaged with my field of study, I hope to focus in more on exactly what I want to do. This still allows me to do what I need to do for myself while not making snap decisions I may regret. This makes me happy.

If P.T. school is in my future, it will probably be at our next base (hopefully Spokane, Washington at Fairchild Air Force Base. School: Eastern Washington University. Yes, I've looked ahead to possible schools in the areas we could move). If I try to get in the 2012 class here, I would be staying here for an additional year to finish when Dave moves to another base in 2014. Nothing about this is simple! But that is ok...I signed up to be flexible when I married Dave (or I guess I should say I signed up to be extra flexible). It's a little stressful, but it's life. This gives me plenty of time to get more experience, knock out some pre-reqs and bump up my GPA if needed for yet another degree. Who knows, maybe I won't even need another one to do what I want to do.

Sound like a plan? I think so. Thank you head. Thank you heart. I feel great about this. Let's do this.

Change

'In change there is destruction, decay and despair, and yet there is also creation, opportunity and the potential for immense joy. Change itself is neutral. It doesn't care what it does to you. What really matters is what you do with it.' - Ralph Marston

A couple of days ago, as we were making the long drive back from Chicago to Wichita, I was lost in another one of my moments...in the midst of 'trying to figure out what to do with my life' and what my next step is going to be, and I stumbled upon this quote on a friend's facebook page and it hit me. Why am I so afraid to let the Air Force go? I guess I'm too comfortable in a way. Yet I'm so very uncomfortable. Over the last several months, I've started to give more and more consideration to what I'm going to do with my future as I've clearly become less and less happy with my current occupation. For several reasons that I can't really begin to explain, I've really struggled with 'should I stay or should I go?' I keep giving myself reasons (logical reasons I guess you could say) to stay, but my heart says go.

It's like loving many things about a person but not being 'in love' with them. That is how I would have to describe my relationship with the Air Force. Air Force, we aren't a good fit anymore. Not sure we ever were, but I'll never regret our time together.

I know, strange analogy.

Why do I feel like I would be defeated if I get out of the Air Force? Maybe it is because my confidence isn't always the highest, and staying in until retirement would prove something....well I think that is wrong...especially after seeing some dirtbags make it until retirement.

On top of that- applying to Physical Therapy school....not afraid to admit that this is SCARY for me. College days are sort of haunting me...I struggled in school. Struggled to focus on my studies while I was focusing more on ROTC. I guess I thought putting most of my time into this would make me a better Officer after Commissioning...or something. And some of my 'focus' went to partying, of course. I'm not the only one to learn the hard way though, right?

Fact is-I WANTED to serve my country. I WANTED to love being in the Air Force. I THOUGHT I would love being in the Air Force...and maybe stay in for 20 years. Well, I did serve my country. And I'm happy about that. Very proud of that, and proud every time I put my uniform on. But I'm currently FAR from loving what I'm doing. There will be parts of it I will miss terribly....but it isn't enough. I'm in Communications and computers are far from my thing. Not helping.
What will I miss? It's worth mentioning.

I love wearing the uniform because of what it stands for and represents. I take pleasure in the conversations and experiences I have with Amn of all ranks....I know I've learned from many of them but I also hope I have and do impact people's lives in a positive way. I think I'm holding out...waiting to actually believe and prove to myself that I'm doing this. I've also realized that I thoroughly enjoy working with self-motivated Amn...those who need guidance or a push in the right direction...they need leadership but have the right attitude. But I am not confident that I am the leader who knows what to do with those who bring no motivation or pride of their own. I've had several leaders I respect tell me the Air Force needs Officers like me (I'm not into tooting my own horn but it has swayed me) and this makes me wonder 'Am I doing a better job than I think? Am I just being hard on myself because that is what I tend to do and will I do this in any job?' Who knows.......and then there is giving up awesome benefits/pay. I'm going to go from what I make now to making nothing, or close to nothing, while I'm in school for 3 years again? Ahhh.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend...fellow 1st Lt...I shared with him that I am strongly considering applying to PT school. He said 'do it' and essentially pointed out that what I don't like about the AF and being in the AF isn't going to change or get better. I told him I keep giving myself reasons to stay. He said, in a passionate tone: Go do what you want to do, do something fun, do what will make you happy!

Maybe the majority of people don't 'love' their jobs, but I owe it to myself to find a higher level of joy in my work. You never know until you try. I have to go for it. I have to listen to my heart a little more and embrace the change. The opportunity and the potential for immense joy.