Compassion

Topic of the day.  The subject first came up when I was completing a survey for a research study for Veterans.  They've been mailing me the damn thing for months so I finally decided to get it out of the way :) And, I realized I should support research (as long as it's worthy) since I'm interested in it myself, and do understand the importance.  It can just get so messy...I think that is what I don't like.

I digress.  There was a question on the survey about compassion.  It essentially asked whether or not I have it; my response was in the "moderate" category.  I couldn't honestly answer that I have "a lot" of it.
Well, I think I have more if it than I think.  Had a little event this evening that put it into perspective for me.

I got home from my run and decided to pull out my leftover salad for dinner (life of a bachelorette) and eat it out on the deck while the dogs played.  Weather was beautiful.  I was pretty excited.  Well, about a minute into play time, the dogs ended up sprinting behind the bushes on the side of the deck (Ellie ends up behind there a lot, drives me crazy....I think she thinks Teddy can't fit back there so it's a fun game).  Well then I heard a REALLY loud squeal/scream.  She screamed her way over to the deck where I was sitting and just rolled onto her back, and continued to scream.

I was terrified for her and felt so helpless! And it's like a baby who can't communicate....couldn't ask her what happened.  So I leaned down and tried to calm her down and when I started talking and rubbing her stomach and (I think) visibly acting very concerned, she quieted down (thank god).  I picked her up and carried her inside.  I have no idea what happened because I didn't see it.  But she was having a really hard time putting any weight on the front left leg.  So I looked at her paw first and didn't see anything sharp.  I just had a feeling it was internal....broken bone, pulled muscle/tendon, etc.  Then, I tried picking her up from under her two front legs and with the pressure/weight, she squealed.  So, I narrowed down the area.....and have been watching her closely all night.  She is walking around and still trying to play, just looks pretty uncomfortable.  We'll see how she is in the morning.

But I felt HUGE amounts of compassion in this situation.  Because- she was helpless.   She couldn't have prevented it, she couldn't communicate her pain to me...and she isn't acting quite like herself.  I just feel sad for her.  I just want to do something to help her and I don't know what that is.  I've just been giving her massages and eye rubs.   I think she appreciates it :)

Maybe kind of silly, but I know I would feel the same exact way with a baby or child.  I have compassion for those who cannot help themselves.  Not sure beyond that.

Caveat

I thought there should be a caveat to the statement "I have a really hard time focusing on things and finishing one task because I feel like I always have so much ahead of me." (previous post).  Even when I read it back to myself I thought "what the hell do you have in front of you? you don't have a job."  Well, I think it's safe to tell my blog that.....I have issues.  My life has felt disorganized and chaotic for a couple years, and the disorganization probably started a few years before that, judging by the massive amounts of piles of papers/records-schoolwork, receipts, bank statements, random shit-that has accumulated and made me really uneasy.  I hate it.  By nature, I need to be organized.  But I'm not.

A couple months ago, I sat in on a telecon/phone seminar thing with a company that does wellness coach certification.  Basically, it teaches you how to be a coach....how to help people figure out, within their own life, how to make the changes they want to make.  I feel this is the piece that is missing from being able to make an impact with my exercise science background.  Anyway.  The CEO of this company (Wellcoaches) had an example of someone who felt they could not move forward/make significant changes to their lifestyle/health before they removed the massive amounts of clutter in their home.  YES! There is at least one other person out there like me. I don't care if I'm crazy.  At least I recognize it.  No shame.  Although it's really annoying.

So, for months (years?) I've been desperately trying to get all this crap in order.  I'm FINALLY making progress with the help of Suze Orman and this blog, I'm an Organizing Junkie.  Not even sure how I ran across this, but I just kept finding different posts that related to what I was struggling with and wa-la, help had arrived.

So, honestly, that is really distracting from whatever else I have going on, whether it's doing school work, or just trying to relax.  There. Phew.  Feels good just to get it out.  But I made significant progress this weekend.

And, AND, I have motivation for being super productive this week.  I am meeting Dave in OKC for a night out on the town this weekend.  Dogs will be boarded with Bessie, and they will have a great time.  And so will we! He is done with training in a little less than 2 weeks, but I've only seen him once during his training and I CAN'T WAIT for this!

"...we're gonna go to Home Depot...Maybe Bed Bath And Beyond, I don't know. I Don't know if we'll have enough time."

I had a flashback to Old School when I was talking to Dave last night...telling him about my trip to Lowe's today and how I broke a light bulb in the store while looking for ant traps.  This was soon after he was telling me about his day flying a multimillion dollar aircraft (like every day) and really, my broken light bulb story was boring ME.

I have to sort of laugh.  I "need" a job.  But at the same time I'm really enjoying my freedom.  There are so many things I should have been doing this week for school.  It's Spring Break and it really could have been "get ahead" time.  I have done a few things here and there, but mostly.....I've just done fun stuff.  More with the recipes and cooking.  But, I've been trying to make it simpler.

The big ones this week were Potato, Pea and Rosemary soup; Banana Almond Oatmeal Smoothie; Omelet muffins; Orange, Avocado and Cashew Salad (thanks to Meghan for pointing out the last 2...especially the salad.  Amazing and easy); and 60 Second Homemade Berry Sorbet.

Potato, Pea and Rosemary Soup

Banana Almond Oatmeal Smoothie

60 Second Homemade Sorbet

Orange Avocado and Cashew Salad

Omelet Muffins

Omelet Muffin

Other things....more purging (seriously, I finally have boxes going to Good Will with everything documented...OCD), ran (did an awesome 60 minute run on Wednesday in between rain....felt so good), started the push-up challenge, walked in the rain with Ellie, made grooming appointments (today.  they smell nice. wonder how many hours they will stay clean), cooked (as this really has been taking up a lot of time, I'm throwing it on the list again), organized my recipes into a book (lame, yes.  but with each organizational move I feel a little stress going away and a little more order to my life), finished a take-home exam for school, researched (minimally) for some final papers, researched PhD programs, took lots of pictures, researched nutrition/diets (going to post about this exploration soon).

Really, I don't get bored.  I have a really hard time focusing on things and finishing one task because I feel like I always have so much ahead of me.  Gonna have to get over that.  But, if more time does pop up in front of me....I have 30 books I want to read (and I AM going to finish the 2 current ones before 1 Apr.  Now it's on here.  have to).  I can run more.  I can study....no I don't get bored.  And, there is always Lowe's and Bed Bath & Beyond.

 But I am lonely.  That's about it.

family reunion

After a few weeks of going a little crazy without Dave, I feel like we were able to reset with him home.  The dogs were so happy to see him and we were (all) relaxed and everything just felt right again.  And easier.  He left today, sad as usual.  But I feel somewhat reinvigorated.  Actually, I'm pretty tired.  But mentally I feel better. 

On Friday, I spent the day baking (while watching Bridesmaids) and preparing dinner.  All Pinterest recipes, of course.  I seriously find it interesting that I have had all of this energy to cook and bake recently.  Maybe because I don't have a job?? By the time I was done baking, I honestly didn't even feel like making dinner....but wanted Dave to have a "home-cooked" meal and felt bad that I've been making "extravagant" meals while he has been away....all for myself.  I think....it just allows me to escape when I'm lonely and create something fun and is therefore relaxing.  I'm not really sure.  It goes in spurts.  While the recipes I want to try are still piling up, I think I'm already ready for a break for a little while :) Some simple recipes for the next few weeks.

I digress a little.  I made Black Bean and Butternut Squash Burritos.  Ever since I tried the Classic Green Monster recipe that a friend suggested, I've been finding several recipes on "Oh She Glows." No I didn't go Vegan, but I can't help but think many of the recipes sound (and look) SO good.  And this one was SO GOOD.  And the great part about it is that if you aren't Vegan (I'm DEFINITELY not) you can add your meat of choice.  And if you want to cut some carbs, it tastes excellent without the tortillas too.  I did not do this, but just an idea.  These burritos have such amazing flavor.

Black Bean and Butternut Squash (open-faced) burritos

That guacamole is the best I've ever made too.  Of course, it's the only time I've ever made it from an actual recipe.  Definitely beats all of my experiments. 

Copy Cat Recipe: Chipotle Guacamole

After we had burritos, we relaxed for the rest of the evening, complete with a couple IPAs and our tradition of watching Dateline.  That's right.  Can't get enough murder stories & Lester Holt on a Friday night.  

On Saturday morning, we relaxed for a bit before deciding we should decide on plans for the day.  We headed downtown and got some British food at a small little authentic British restaurant we have been wanting to try.  We had Cottage Pie and the Saturday special Bangers, Peppers and Onions (owner admitting this is an Italian-influenced dish).  British (& Italian?) food on Irish day.  We do what we want.  But then we headed over to our favorite River City Brewery for some green wheat beer.  I had to get a green beer in; Dave couldn't fit one.  HA!

Love.

On our way out, I had a *brilliant* idea to get a growler of the green beer to take with us to Mike and Aimee's who were making corned beef and cabbage for dinner (correction, of course Aimee made it).  So we grabbed the dogs and headed over to their house with the growler and Friday's baking project.  The green beer, corned beef and cabbage and Friday's baking project turned out to be a very satisfying combo.

The Friday baking project was in the plans for a few weeks ever since I ran across this recipe for St. Patrick's Day cupcakes.  Stout cake batter and Vanilla bean buttercream frosting.  3 step process - homemade fondant (the green stuff), frosting and cupcakes.  Here is what I got:

Ta-da

Preparation

 

Platter of yumminess

After a couple of hours of eating and socializing, there were 4 full humans and 3 tired dogs.  We got rid of the dogs and went back downtown to complete St. Patrick's Day at the classy Pumphouse. Where else?  So classy.  Typical crowd of excessively drunk and obnoxious people ranging in age from *21* to....old.  I'm never prepared for St. Patrick's day with little to no green in my wardrobe.  I ended up wearing an olive green tank top with a gray sport blazer.  That's it.  I'm old.  Or maybe I'm the *classy* one.  Aimee and I enjoyed several trips to the NASTY St. Patrick's day drunk bathroom along with several Bud lights and an Irish car bomb.  *Craziest* partying I've done on St. Patty's Day in quite some time.  Concluded with Old Chicago.  At midnight :)  

It was a great day with Dave, the dogs and friends.

On Sunday, Dave helped me with some yard work.  I like yard work.  I'm an old 27.  Our lawn is still not competitive, but it's presentable.

And, Dave left again.  And we forgot to work on the budget.  Eh, boring.  This week's agenda: work on the budget, homework, applying for jobs, cleaning, working out (more than I have been), maybe some puppy training, trying to finish some books (for pleasure), drinks with some friends.  Enough to keep me busy, can't complain.  And I have a new set of memories for the next couple weeks while Dave is gone :)

*Also, I felt super "proud" when Ellie showed progression in her fetch skills today.  She is a dog, not a baby.  I've also had these overwhelming feelings come over me in the last few weeks when I am super frustrated with her/tired.....it's what I imagine a motherly instinct feels like.  I all of the sudden feel a huge sense of responsibility to care for such a helpless living thing.  I know, huge side note here.  But I thought this was the flip side to my Babies post.

Why you will fail to have a great career...unless

I do feel that I have a couple extra challenges as a military wife.  But still no excuses.

I agree with Larry.  Do you?

I really appreciate this speech.  It really speaks to what I've been feeling.  How can I be a good friend, spouse or mom if I don't pursue my own passions?

Places I can't Study

Not going to lie.  Pretty much everywhere.

1) Home.  One word-dogs.  I feel like I can't do anything else at home either, such as talk on the phone.  Ellie, for the first time since we got her, started digging holes in the backyard while I was on the phone with my Grandma today.  This was after I let her outside because she would not stop sprinting in circles in the house.  So independent until I'm not paying attention.  I need to remind myself to get her used to the crate, even while I am at home.  Some people think this is so cruel.  Well, it's not.  I digress.  There are other distractions here like...my really comfy bed.

2) Starbucks.  Every time I am there I hear every detail of all the worker's personal lives and schedules shouted across the place.  I don't mind noise, like...solid noise.  But some things stick out like a sore thumb.  I don't care when your spring break is, what concerts you are going to and when the next party is.  Please turn up the Starbucks music.

3) Barnes & Noble.  Actually, this is a tricky one.  If I manage to get a big enough table that I can actually spread a book out on, it can work.  But do I drive all the way there to most likely not get a big table?

4) Derby Public Library.  Obviously, this place was built for screaming children, as previously mentioned.

5) School library. It's far.  And I make the commute enough.  So while I can utilize it before and after classes sometimes, not an option for going a couple hours at a time just to get away.  

I don't know.....I would say I'm too picky.  But, I guess I am just easily distracted.  I have a hard enough time focusing without several distractions.  #2, 3 & 4 can sort of be remedied by noise-cancelling headphones....but I always have so much stuff to carry and they are super bulky to add to the luggage.  I know, minor detail.  And sometimes I find that I have to blast the music in my noise-cancelling headphones to drown out the noise...which CAN be a little distracting in itself. 

I guess the only thing I'm complaining about here is my own lack of ability to just tune the world out.  I have options...I guess the headphones are my best bet.  I'm wondering....is this a common problem???

Babies

Scared ya, didn't I? No, there is nothing in the oven.

But, like everything else for me these days, it seems, I'm all over the map.  One day, I'm (we're) contemplating not having kids at all, and the next I'm looking at pictures of my friends beautiful new babies (or better yet, meeting them....James!) and thinking " this is pretty amazing...why wouldn't I?"  I guess as I'm getting older, I'm possibly sort of starting to understand the "there is nothing better in life" perspective.  I am not there, but I could see it.

"Issue" # 1.  I don't feel a "calling," if you will, to bring another human (or 2) into this world.  Do I think it would be amazing to see someone who is a complete mix of Dave and I? Yes....that part IS really tempting.  He/she would probably be really cool. And cute :) But, is that in itself a good reason to have a baby?  Not to me.  If motherhood isn't going to be your primary focus (and I don't mean not having a job, necessarily....but complete devotion all around), then personally, IMHO, it's not the right time or thing to do.  Children aside, I want to influence the world in other ways.  I guess I need to map out...calculate....how to do this all at the same time.  But both are important to me.  But at this point in my life, I'm usually still thinking about me and things I want to accomplish and things I want to do with Dave.

Issue # 2.  In public, I usually just get mad (furious) with screaming, misbehaving kids and.....more so, the parents.  Really, mostly/all the parents.  I know, I know one day it will be me.  But back to #1, sort of, there are responsibilities that come with parenthood, people.  Like teaching them to not scream in libraries.  Give them a few minutes, and after that.....remove them.  It's called common courtesy.  Deal with the issue.  That is, if you believe there is one.  Yes, I've sort of "complained" about this one on FB before, but it's one of my favorites.  A library.

Well, I've already realized that regardless of whether or not we have kids, all those other kids and parents will still be around.  A friend recently told me that it is our responsibility to bring kids into this world because we are "good people."  Hilarious.  But I can see where she is going with that....

However, I did have sort of a revelation recently.  Maybe having a child will help me find other parents/friends who are the same as us, and will restore my faith in the abilities of "parents" these days.

I know, this all sounds judgmental. It is in a way.  Once I'm in the motherhood shoes, maybe I'll see how hard it really is.   I think I'm already acknowledging that fact up front.   But all I know is I don't want to bring a child into the world without having the time, energy and motivation to raise him/her the best way I know how.

Dabbling in cauliflower, butternut squash &....cake batter

So,  now that I rid my life of FB, Pinterest is apparently vying for my attention.  I am just thankful for now that I'm not an obsessed pinner, because I can see things getting out of hand.  While I can't say I enjoy being in the kitchen all the time (sorry, Dave), it does seem to go in some serious waves. Yesterday, I found this Roasted Cauliflower Gratin with Butternut Squash recipe on there, and immediately put it on the list of things to make.  The next day, I guess.  I revolved Monday's grocery list around that and this cake batter shake recipe that I've had pinned for a while now.  Why not kill two birds with one stone.  Last night, in excitement of going out and buying a bunch of ingredients/things I didn't already have (is that a problem for anyone else? trying out recipes ain't cheap....), I made sure to eat stuff in the fridge that might go bad.  I had some salad....and some soup.  Yeah the canned soup didn't help that situation.

First of all, the Roasted Cauliflower Gratin with Butternut Squash.  Doesn't even make sense.  To devote all that time to a dish that doesn't even have meat in it :-)  Oh well, it really looked tasty.  And it WAS.  I recommend.  Wait, I am now wondering if this is not supposed to be a main dish but a side dish?? I don't know.  I ate less than 1/4 of it and was full.
 

And then, the Funfetti cake batter shake.  I was so excited for this.  This was my incentive for finishing reading the current chapter in my Bio book (I know....very unhealthy way to focus myself.  You have to do what you have to do).  Well, don't get me wrong, it's great.  But I took about 3 sips or scoops, and felt like I had thrown 3 cups of sugar down my throat.  1) I recommend a greater proportion of ice cream (but I used double vanilla....wonder if that was necessary and if more ice cream would make it even sweeter).  2) Invite an army.  Wow.  I made it in the blender and put the rest in the refrigerator and put the rest of the below jar in the freezer to see how that is tomorrow.  I could seriously make this last until my next birthday I think.  And that means a lot coming from the person who can normally endlessly eat sweets.  Brace. Yourself. (Note: the cake batter shake recipes are not from the same site as the Gratin- Eat Life Whole: Delicious Recipes, Healthy Coaching & Nutritious Tips)

Hey, I also finished a chapter in my healthcare policy book.  It wasn't JUST strictly delicious food tonight.

Update (the morning after):  I realized I forgot to add the 4-5 cups milk (all I had to add was water, oil, milk and ice cream...not that complicated).  OOPS.  Got milk?  Tastes much better with the milk.

Lucky & Lonely MWF

I've got a gift certificate to paradise.  Just sayin.'  I love that Meghan bribed us to come back out with this lovely gift :)  The letters N.E.P.E.N.T.H.E. put a smile on my face.  I wish we were rich so we could escape to Big Sur on a whim...

I also recently used $45 of the $70 of paradise (massage from Jamie) that Dave got me for my birthday.  I'm a lucky girl.

I shouldn't have to, but I have to remind myself of this often.  I've been in sort of a rut lately.  It does and doesn't have to do with Dave leaving for 6 weeks.  A lot of the best friends we made out here have moved.  The local support system up and left! It's just what happens with the military, yes....but it stings a little!  Yes I'm a little picky in choosing friends, but I feel this is necessary based on my past experiences.  Feeling a little isolated here in Kansas, sometimes.   Not sure how else to describe it.  I know I have friends and family (afar) who love me.  But I think sometimes they seriously forget about us out here, that is all.  For a few years, I didn't get lonely.  I guess I was still on the high of getting to move around and "see the world" or whatever.  Well, I do like moving around.  But it doesn't always feel peachy, that is all.

BUT.  The lucky part.  I DO have Dave.  The best husband in the world.  I have bribes coming in from CA (have to go spend the certificate, right?) and invitations to run marathons with all my running buddies spread throughout the country.  As far as people not visiting here...well I often wonder if it is because we don't constantly invite people to come out, or they just take us coming home to MI or going other places for granted and don't even think how expensive it can get, and how difficult it is for us both to be able to leave at the same time and actually plan trips with Dave's AF surprise trips....or they just can't imagine visiting Kansas (well get over it, it's where we live).  Meghan wanted to visit on her way out West once, and I basically said no :/ I felt too overwhelmed at the time.  How crappy is that?? Oh, how my appreciation for true friendship has changed. 

Excerpt from Rachel Bertsche's MWF Seeking BFF (the book), talking about British anthropologist Robin Dunbar's theories on how the size of the human brain determines how many relationships we can maintain:

"Social network means something different today than it did back in the nineties.  Dunbar didn't care about the number of people who follow you on Twitter.  He was talking about relationships "that depend on extensive personal knowledge based on face-to-face interaction for their stability."  Reading someone's status update doesn't count."

And THAT is why facebook sucks.  And why I just started wondering why I even used it.  Well, over the past week, sometimes I did almost try to pull up Facebook to post something.  Then remembered, haha.  But then I think, who do I REALLY want to share this with?  Sometimes it's just not ideal to make a call in the middle of the day or expect text dialogue with those people when they are working or busy with other things.  That was the beauty of FB...you could just throw things on there.....for no one to pay attention.  And sort of wonder if the people who did like or commented on posts REALLY cared??  Ok I'm regurgitating Saturday's post.  So instead I post things on this blog...that no one reads :).  But, aside from anyone who runs across it or remembers that it exists or feels like checking it, this is really for me. Ok, maybe I wish people would read it.  But...I get something out of it regardless.

Point- those "real" relationships are important, and I have some really good ones at a distance.  FB was just making it easier to not work harder at them.  I have some good ones locally too...just have to remind myself to reach out to people (ya know, real interaction) when I start feeling like I'm millions of miles away from comfort.