Sunday, March 23, 2014

Military (dog) Brats

Every time we move, we get to experience so many new things. There is stress that comes with moving, but we know what is going on, of course. We can choose to focus on the positive things, plan a trip to an exciting place. Run to relieve stress. The dogs get all sorts of new experiences as well, but unfortunately, I don't think they have the same appreciation for world travel. They want routine, stability, food, water, treats, a wide open field to run, a ball, and maybe a body of water to fetch sticks.  Well, from what I've observed, that is all my dogs need to be happy and content. Ellie will take some beautiful snow-covered mountains if she can get them, but they are not critical to her happiness. They rely on us to make adjustments and the fine tuning to make their new life seem normal. 

22 March 2014. Teddy running free along the River Great Ouse :)

The following is somewhat of a play-by-play of my life with the dogs. But as I take on the challenge of training myself and rehabilitating my dogs (have to agree with Cesar on that one), maybe some of the insight into my own challenges and lessons will be useful to some of my fellow dog owners. Notice nowhere in that sentence did I use the word advice.....I'm in no position to call it that.

About a month ago in the midst of feeling frustrated that the dogs seemed uneasy and we were not in any kind of a routine, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not happy or content when I don't exercise, so why do I think the dogs would be? I KNOW they need it, and I always try to get them exercise. But what I had to accept was that if they are uneasy because they haven't gotten their exercise for the day, I can't be too frustrated or shocked that we aren't making huge strides with everything else related to their behavior.

At least exercise is one stress-reliever we have in common.

Taking a step back and looking at the situation, I acknowledged a few things that I had not in the midst of my own stress during the first couple months being here. The dogs are not only simply in a new environment in England, it is one that requires them to make adjustments to the lifestyle they are used to. Their immediate surroundings at home are louder; there is more foot traffic in front of and behind the house. When people are talking while they walk in front of our house, it kind of sounds like they might be IN the house sometimes. This is way closer to city life than Derby, Kansas.

In the states, we focused on walking them on a leash in neighborhoods or around town (for the most part) and letting them run free at fenced-in dog parks. Here, they need to learn to run free in open areas without fences next to walking paths.....sort of like, open dog park meets city.  So basically, run free without running in front of and tripping old people. This was kind of a stressful thing for me to face when we got here....because to them running is running, but I don't want to get sued.  

Fortunately, they do have experience with running off leash on trails and footpaths in uncrowded areas...which is more common here. And the most ideal. So they and their humans are comfortable with this situation :) 

Teddy has particularly struggled with walking around the area where we live with people everywhere (on weekends mostly, but at some times during the week), loud trains every 15 minutes (it doesn't help that it seems every time we are walking under the track one goes over us...). It just isn't the quiet environment he had grown used to in Georgia and Kansas. I've learned that when he is in wide open spaces here, he is ok with strangers and whatever. But when he can't see & when we're approaching tight corners/turns, he is very uneasy. This is very relevant to how I have to approach everything with him. He is very sensitive.  

This was the first step...taming my expectations of a flawless transition.

A few weeks ago I bought a journal to document our training- our goals, struggles and successes- as a way to capture the process of acclimating the dogs to England and facing this challenge head-on, hence some of the dates and observations below. I'm also doing a lot more reading and studying dog behavior.

On a rainy 12 Feb while we were hanging out inside most of the day, I decided it was time to start channeling my energy and frustration with the dogs in more positive ways. We worked on some agility training with a kitchen table chair. Just over and under. I saw Teddy's tail wag more than it had in quite a while, and by the end Ellie was like "ok these tricks are too easy," but they both had fun. It made me happy. Once I made the decision to have a positive, fun, stress-free session with them, it just happened. 

Around that time, I also decided that as I'm working on their behavior and training, I will focus on the areas they excel in now, even if this means we take a step back from the level I believe they once were.

I noticed Ellie was doing well at the park in the open field. I was taking them there a lot to play with the Chuck it. She listens to "come" if I decide I need to stop her from sprinting toward a new person in the area. Teddy does a little better running/jogging on leash; not as good as he used to but as long as we're not in a busy area with "scary" noises, running on leash is a good way to get him some of the exercise he needs while working on old commands. With a lot of people around, he hasn't been following commands very well (I think because of his anxiety, some fear and some insecurity) so we need to get back to the basics with a little less distraction.  

28 Feb- This was not a dog day. It was rainy and I got into a cleaning and organizing mode. I got a lot done just focusing on that, instead of worrying about accomplishing a bunch of different things. Too often I make a list of 20 things for 1 day and don't get much done, feeling overwhelmed. What does this have to do with dogs? Well, sometimes I put them before EVERYTHING else because I figure if I tire them out first I can focus on other stuff. While this is generally true, sometimes I have more patience with them and enjoy our time together more if I accomplish things for myself first. Dog/life balance?? I'm *sure* they understand.

I'm always more motivated to wake up early on the weekend....don't know why, exactly. I guess I like to get stuff done and still have the day ahead with Dave. Yesterday I decided to have some one on one time with Teddy. The thought of this was even kind of exciting for me.  Generally, it kind of stresses me out a bit because I know Ellie is going to flip out the entire time we're gearing up to leave, thinking she is going and then pouting when we leave. It sort of hit me today though....she needs to learn to take a back seat and I don't need to feel guilty all the time. I am always trying to give them equal attention and amounts of exercise, but when it comes down to it, she needs more to stay sane and so if there are times I have to "pick" who gets to go, it is generally her. I am not sure if Teddy "notices" this or not, and if it has fed his insecurities too.

Teddy looked like he didn't know what to do with his excitement when we got out on the footpath by the river and I let him off the leash. I know he loves running around with Ellie, but I think he may have had some flashbacks to when it was just me and him :-) We walked, Teddy played with other dogs and decided to jump in the river to go for a stick (thrown in for some black labs that were out...I wasn't exactly planning on getting him in the river but he did his thing...), and I socialized with the parents of his dog friends. Overall, he did so great with the humans and the pups. We still had some anxious whining at some points, and he was very nervous around/barking at a poor old man walking down the path on our way back to the house as I was stopped talking to a sweet old lady (this is also a common problem with him....men...men in hats? Hats and men??), but I think he is getting a little more comfortable out there. Slowly but surely. I looked forward to taking him out and having a great time instead of dreading it and being stressed about what would happen....and it's almost as if he knew. It felt like some solid proof that dogs pick up your energy.

Turns out, Ellie was letting out blood-curdling screams/barks from her crate when we left....according to Dave (who WAS still sleeping). Well, that's great Ellie. Tell me more about how rough your life is :) So, I kind of knew that might happen but it's ok. It isn't exactly like she is deprived of attention.

I know I didn't go into detail about training, but the details of all that can be found in books, on websites or from professional trainers. Perhaps once I have mastered some of them, I will elaborate :) There are different philosophies and methods for how to approach things, and I am blending some of what I already knew with new knowledge and trying to teach my *old* dogs some new tricks. However, my point in all this is that the key ingredient in the process is the attitude I bring to the situation. It's amazing how easy it is to forget this when things aren't going how you want. With dog training, with anything.

I always took pride in working with the dogs and training them, and so I see their struggles and failures as a reflection of my failure to assess their behavior and act accordingly. I want to look back on this phase of our lives and be able to say that we turned them into happy British dog citizens, not that they were miserable and we felt miserable for them.

The thing is....I love dogs (duh). But I never realized that they would challenge me in ways that would make me grow. It's neat.
 
Cheerio!

Ellie in the snow last year. I wonder if this is what she is doing in her dreams? :)

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

"What do you do?" Terrible question.

I LOVE having the freedom to go to the pub and enjoy a few pints with my husband on any given day of the week, if he isn't flying his huge flying gas station. We may or may not have done that tonight. If you don't enjoy, or miss, the same freedom to spend quality time doing whatever you want with your significant other, whether you have kids or not, sorry, but I think you're missing out on something wonderful.

Big judgement, I know. But that is my opinion.

Also, this:


Quick side note. I love them.

I feel so fortunate to chi-lax (I ain't too old to use slang!) with my husband in the middle of the week and talk about worldly events and the things that are important to us.

Ok, so of course as we get older, the idea of children and what kind of weirdos our reproductive mixes might turn out to be becomes a greater percentage of the conversation.....but I undoubtedly will miss our nights out. With no restrictions.

Early last year, I wrote a post about my life as a SAHW (yup, that's wife...not mom), inspired by Lyz Lenz's post "The Life of a Mostly SAHM." (I didn't link it again because, well, I don't want to creep her out...Google it if you wish). Actually, I've written a few posts analyzing my outlook on (my) life, and to be quite honest, I kind of cringe when I re-read them.

Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed, but just because I sort of don't like that it seems that I felt I needed to justify where I was at in life. To myself? To others? Both?

Of course, when you essentially use your blog in place of a psychologist, I guess your true feelings end up having a time stamp on them. I see now that, at the time, I didn't feel as stable in dealing with the uncertainty my life choices have dealt me.   

But really, all this isn't about me. It's about this video (I know, that sounds like Buzzfeed always claiming 'THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT' on everything they post :)  Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success. No, the point of the talk is not that everyone should get a trophy. It's about defining your own success.

Oh, 1:57. It really is everyone's favorite question. "What do you do?" It's true. In fact, an old lady on the train asked me that question today. It used to bother me soooo much. But over the last year, I've truly been able to stop caring about the fact that I can't say "student" or "I'm in the Air Force" anymore.  I don't have a cut and dry answer anymore, but honestly, what's it to them? I really think some people just don't know what else to ask, and that's fine. I usually just say "nothing" now. That must be so interesting for them to think about. But..."YOU DON'T KNOW ME" ;-) Seriously, though. Try just asking me.....what I'm interested in. Or something useful. Try asking anyone that, instead of...."what do you DO?" Or is it "What do YOU do?" Either way.

I spend a lot of my time brainstorming about how to take my interests and goals and turn them into what I believe I'm meant to be doing in this world, within the context of my life now. I know there is no time like the present, but I'm trying. I think that might sound selfish to a lot of people. I don't think it is and that is why I stopped caring.

If I'm honest, again, I think a lot of people either A) judge me for not working OR having kids and/or B) think my life is all sunshine and rainbows....like one of those rich wives who lives at the spa.

I have no idea if people are ACTUALLY thinking that about me. But I think that notion is a result of society and what Alain is describing. 

Of course it's only natural to forget that I don't care sometimes. When people are intrusive and judgmental. But that is them, not me. They may or may not be trying to define who I am with a few quick pieces of information, but it doesn't matter. Growing up, whenever I had problems dealing with other people or issues I couldn't control, my Dad always reminded me that the only thing I can control is me. I'm 29 and finally get it.

I feel fortunate that I've lived until 29, and have done a few things I'm proud of. I hope to keep that "success" going. 

Of course, I must give credit to my fellow writers who unknowingly act as my psychologists, and help me to remember that....

...the grass is always greener.....on the other side:
http://joannarenteria.com/2011/12/13/i-was-considering-grad-school-and-then-i-saw-this-hilarious/
so funny :)

and

...a lot of people judge. we all judge. we shouldn't. and some people will always have an opinion about what you should be doing instead of caring about what makes you happy. but maybe one day we'll all get there:

...oh, again, some women just love to judge. I do like this piece as a husband who feels inclined to defend the hard-working mother of his children to other women being....rude, frankly. On the other hand, I also appreciate the commenter(s) who points out that many women simply "don't know" what stay at home moms do all day, so their questions are somewhat justified. I don't know....it's always good to see the other side, but I have had a full time crazy job and don't have kids myself, and my observations of motherhood lead me to believe it's kind of like prison. So to ask a mom what she does all day is sort of just....naive.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

and

...it's ok to just be happy.
http://www.sarahannnoel.com/2013/06/letting-go.html

Carry on. Be happy. Define your own success.