11 January. Slowly creeping away from the 1st, but the year is still fresh.
On New Year's Day, my FB feed was flooded with posts about throwing away the idea of resolutions, which imply "failure" in the year prior. That resolve means to find a solution to a "problem," and we, as individuals, are not "problems." I particularly like the line "The way you showed up for your life the past year was necessary for your growth." I'm not sure who that quote is from originally, but I'm totally on board with this line of thinking. We should appreciate our chance to start over and try again, according to Elizabeth Gilbert. We might succeed, we might fail. But at least we get to try again. And again and again. Amen.
Resolutions should just sort of be on-going. You can start over whenever you want, really.
This mentality is much more encouraging and healthy than feeling defeated during the first week of a New Year and feeling like you have to wait until January of the next year. No way. I enjoy the rollercoaster of the highs and lows all year long, baby.
For the past couple years, I've been struggling a lot with productivity, focus and working towards my goals. But I've also learned a great deal about myself and it's just time to move on and use those lessons. But not without re-hashing all the misery.
One of the main reasons we wanted to live overseas was to travel. While I considered working while we lived here, I didn't try particularly hard to make that happen. Partly because I already felt lost when we got here, not sure of what I want to do with my life or what I want to be when I grow up. I had already gotten one Master's degree I wasn't really using and my interests were changing....making me really hesitant to go back to school and spend more money, too. Unless I was 100% sure of what I wanted to do (but are we ever, really?). As time went on, I realized it might be difficult to get our vacation times to line up if I got a job, making it difficult to travel. And wasn't that the point of being here? (sounds kind of like an excuse, doesn't it?) And partly, and probably the biggest reason, is I've felt a gradual decline in my confidence, even though my values and what I care about most have become more clear. The more time that passes, the scarier it is to get back out there. Without really realizing it, I started numbing everything with beers and banana nut muffins (Brené Brown reference).
But you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't have the luxury of getting to travel and see the world and not worry about work and ALSO feel fulfilled when you are not engaging with your passions and interests. Well, I can't, apparently.
But I'm interested in beer and wine and banana nut muffins. So there was that. Numb on.
After 2 years, I've realized that when I get home from the fun, fancy trips, I'm still empty and the high wears off. There is still beer and banana nut muffins, but those just fill me up, not fulfill me.
I've gained plenty of weight since being here. I've remained fairly active, but haven't taken great care of myself overall. I haven't kept a good routine, which I've learned I absolutely need in order to be productive and happy. But I also don't look at those extra 10 lbs too negatively. They've put a lot of things in perspective for me and I know how to get rid of them. So no point in getting down about it.
It's taken a few years to realize or acknowledge that I truly do miss the camaraderie of the Air Force. I guess I have acknowledged that before, but the feelings have gotten stronger and more meaningful with time. I really miss belonging to something I care so deeply about. Distance makes the heart grow fonder?
Without a routine, I have generally felt overwhelmed and small tasks felt daunting. If I built myself a to-do list of 20 things in the morning...prioritization became an issue because did I really have to do all those things? No. Were they all really important? I don't know. I made the list, why didn't I know?!? Should I be looking for a job right now? Or maybe start writing that book I dream about writing? Because obviously I don't feel fulfilled. I don't know, but I don't even know where to start. Back to vacuuming. And on and on.
Sound silly? Well if not one person out there can relate, call me a freak.
I had no problem giving myself plenty to do. I just had a problem doing all the things. Instead of just tackling one thing and moving on to the next and not worrying about what I didn't get done or what was left for the next day, I let myself feel defeated. Boredom wasn't the problem. Lack of focus, absolutely. Throw too much clutter in my environment in there and...what a mess.
On that note, when I worked full time, we somehow got all the laundry and grocery shopping done and meals on the table and the house cleaned and the dogs cared for....yet now these things seemed to be a full time job in themselves and the monotony of it got boring and exhausting and I felt like I was failing at all of it. I mean if that is all you really have to do, shouldn't you be perfect at it? But my mind was always wandering in other directions other than meal planning.
While in some ways my confidence has taken a hit, I've also learned to dig deeper. I've learned to lean on the friends and loved ones who truly support me and are in my corner. Who I can confide in. And (at least try) not to worry about what the rest of the people think. Because while I always thought or wanted to believe I didn't care about what others think, none of us want to be judged. I've learned to consciously remind myself that it. doesn't. matter. What they think. Truly believing these things to our core requires really awesome self talk and awesome people to remind you. I'm going to drop another big name in this post- Chalene Johnson. Ok she isn't my close friend, but DANG does she radiate confidence and authenticity like a boss. I've learned a lot from her videos, podcasts and her Success Academy.
On an overall gloomy note, I've generally just felt down a lot. And consistently. But that has forced me to take a look at why. And figure out how to fix it. If I can recognize certain things that I miss that did make me happy, and the things that I want to avoid that don't make me happy...isn't that progress? I don't have it all figured out and I definitely have a long way to go but I feel a bit more wise with a little tougher skin. About to turn 31.....'bout damn time.
I've learned so much during the struggles. I guess that is my whole point here. None of it was really clear at the time; it's only come together retrospectively. I guess it's more like... "The way you showed up for your life (or didn't) the past year was necessary for your growth."
So 2016 is just a year that I'm kind of excited about. I've got a lot of lessons in my toolbox. A little better understanding of who I am and what I need in my life and what is missing. A little bit more confidence to move forward and a little better idea of where I'm headed. I did allow myself to press a reset button in the last week and a half. Part of that was just making myself take all the positives away from the mess I feel like I've been in. I'm getting back into a workout routine, filling my happiness and gratitude jars each night, and accepting baby steps as progress.
I guess my resolution is to just keep going and definitely look back on what I've learned when I'm feeling overweight, not confident, not focused, not productive, not good enough, not __________. Because I need to be a better version of myself in order to pour myself out to the world and contribute in a way that is meaningful and important to me. I don't want to waste as much time as I have been. Time is precious. If you are drained, lost, feeling similar in any way...I hope this inspires you to do the same.
