Changing, but staying the same

So the other day I had what I would call an emotional outburst in (onto?) my blog.  I reverted it to a draft, because it was, well.....too emotionally charged for anyone to enjoy reading it, probably.

I'm starting to think that you really have to be hurt by someone or something....really knocked down a few times or hit in the face....to really have an open heart.  I just feel different recently.

I really don't know when it started happening, but I believe that for the last several years I've been afraid (not consciously) to give to people and be open in fear that it wouldn't be returned (not material things....I'm talking relationships).  Or, afraid to just let things evolve and be more honest with people if/when things go awry (there is probably a better word there), and instead I just prevent things from happening and relationships from forming.  Basically....I don't let too many people make the cut so that I can keep the control.  Keep the ball in my court.

It gets sort of lonely that way.

It's so much easier to just live and forgive.

Granted, I still don't want to be best friends with anyone and everyone.....I know me and I know I can't do that.  And I'm talking everyday types of situations with people and friends.  Trust me.....I've been very unforgiving and not very trusting of many people.

But everyone is facing a battle.  And you may not realize or always know what it is at any given time.  Or you may think it's "nothing" compared to your battle.  People also make mistakes.  People change.  Some really change, but also stay the same (>insert Bridesmaids argument here<). Ok, I'll do it:

Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

Aaaanyway...

Basically, I've been too hard on people.  I am really hard on myself, so I guess that's where it started.  I will always have high expectations of people and can't promise I'll never judge, but really.....that is pretty useless unless I'm willing to help them with their struggle or offer advice, or help them use or see their own strengths.    

Someone recently posted the following quote on FB: "If you never expect anything from anyone, you'll never be disappointed."  This is a little bit of the opposite extreme.  Not looking to get walked over, either.  Not looking to be cut off from a friend of 8 years.  Because that would most certainly hurt any human being.  But there is an element of truth and wisdom to that quote.  What it sort of makes me realize is....I can be picky but still be open.  Being open and forgiving is so much easier and better than isolation :)

I think what I'm really feeling is more confident about who I am and ok with things not working out.

"AF Wife" or "Student on summer break"

I'm really enjoying my time off.  Money isn't a huge object, but it's a little bit of one.  I will say if it was NO object, I'm not really sure if I would feel like going back to work at all (right now) :)

This would worry me slightly...but it's the first time, even since I got out of the AF, that I just have a break.  No obligations.  It does feel good, what can I say.  I'm very lucky to get a breather.

But I think that is all it is.  A short period for some R&R.  Like post-deployment.

I feel like I'm entering a state of complete peace and zen.  Enjoying my family and our life, and re energizing and focusing for the next phase of my professional life.

I really enjoy cooking for my family.  I really enjoy spending time with the dogs (I guess mostly just so I can tire Ellie out so she doesn't drive us insane).  I do like a clean house.  I wonder how we ever had time to do all this stuff when I worked full time.  We figured it out, but I do know I also felt completely miserable in a job I disliked.  I had a lot less time for my family and friends. All for a job that made me miserable and I disliked.

I am a little scared to dive into another super time-consuming career.  But, I feel like it's a little more natural this time because I am starting to feel like it is a calling.  I understand the sacrifices I will be making (or as well as I can understand it without living it) but I feel like I will be heading into it with acceptance.  That it will be difficult, but I will have a deep motivation for doing it and it will bring me enough joy that everything will work out.  Yeah, I hope.

Oh, waaaaaaiiiiit.  I am only starting my second shadowing session next week.  So all big plans still up in the air :) Which is why......I'm just enjoying the present for now.  I'm an AF wife AND a student on summer break :D

dear diary

the only thing I know to do is write at this point.

well, and read.  I can't believe how long I've been "reading" this book.

I'm sure there are people in my life (if no one else but Dave) who have noticed this book floating around my world for like a year now.  It's really pathetic, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can focus my mind on leisurely reading and I've put a dent in this one.  Part of me thinks I'm subconsciously dragging it out for a reason.  I love it and every time I pick it back up, it feels like the part I'm reading is just for me.  Like Elizabeth is saying "hey, you have a problem?  well I've had the same exact one." And really, I don't want it to be over. 

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Richard to Elizabeth (Eat Pray Love)

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” - Elizabeth

Just read that on Sunday.  Amen.

This is the first time I've ever read a book and thought "I want to be there.  with them."  And then I thought who is the Richard in my life?

My Dad always told me that it isn't what happens to you, but what you are telling yourself about what happens to you that matters.  Honestly, I was always nodding in agreement while thinking "whatever, this sucks."  Well I am not sure if it is my age, or people here and there from every part of my life rubbing off on me a little more, or this book (this book is amazing)...but I'm finally starting to get it, Dad. 

Well, shit happens. 

Sometimes people walk away.  “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive.” Paulo Coelho.  via Mojdeh.  and she did.

Reaction:

I can't change what I've done in the past.  I don't read minds.  I can't control others.  That is obvious.  And I'm confident in declaring that I didn't do anything to deserve this.  But, that's life.  And some people just simply don't want you in theirs. 

I'm very aware of and in touch with my shortcomings.  Insecurities.  It's all too obvious to me.  But I'm finally ok with them.  I don't feel bad.   

I can choose my words and how I treat people.  I'm honestly now a little nervous about people not being honest with me...me not realizing it....not being prepared.  Maybe because I usually think I'm pretty in touch, and this knocked me off my feet.  But that's ok.  I can't control that.  Time to show others what some selfless people have shown me, unconditionally.  

At least now I can choose to never make anyone feel the way this made me feel.