dear diary

the only thing I know to do is write at this point.

well, and read.  I can't believe how long I've been "reading" this book.

I'm sure there are people in my life (if no one else but Dave) who have noticed this book floating around my world for like a year now.  It's really pathetic, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can focus my mind on leisurely reading and I've put a dent in this one.  Part of me thinks I'm subconsciously dragging it out for a reason.  I love it and every time I pick it back up, it feels like the part I'm reading is just for me.  Like Elizabeth is saying "hey, you have a problem?  well I've had the same exact one." And really, I don't want it to be over. 

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Richard to Elizabeth (Eat Pray Love)

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” - Elizabeth

Just read that on Sunday.  Amen.

This is the first time I've ever read a book and thought "I want to be there.  with them."  And then I thought who is the Richard in my life?

My Dad always told me that it isn't what happens to you, but what you are telling yourself about what happens to you that matters.  Honestly, I was always nodding in agreement while thinking "whatever, this sucks."  Well I am not sure if it is my age, or people here and there from every part of my life rubbing off on me a little more, or this book (this book is amazing)...but I'm finally starting to get it, Dad. 

Well, shit happens. 

Sometimes people walk away.  “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive.” Paulo Coelho.  via Mojdeh.  and she did.

Reaction:

I can't change what I've done in the past.  I don't read minds.  I can't control others.  That is obvious.  And I'm confident in declaring that I didn't do anything to deserve this.  But, that's life.  And some people just simply don't want you in theirs. 

I'm very aware of and in touch with my shortcomings.  Insecurities.  It's all too obvious to me.  But I'm finally ok with them.  I don't feel bad.   

I can choose my words and how I treat people.  I'm honestly now a little nervous about people not being honest with me...me not realizing it....not being prepared.  Maybe because I usually think I'm pretty in touch, and this knocked me off my feet.  But that's ok.  I can't control that.  Time to show others what some selfless people have shown me, unconditionally.  

At least now I can choose to never make anyone feel the way this made me feel.