Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I live for these weekends, these times, these people

I'm getting off track with the blog again....damn you, FB.

Just spent the weekend with a bunch of wonderful family and friends and I at LEAST need to document that experience for now.  It was quite the reunion weekend.

Trying to plan for this little weekend was pretty stressful, I'll be honest.  We were kind of behind the eight ball with buying tickets for a couple different reasons, so once we cracked down and decided to get the tickets, it was a game of finding something affordable.  For Dave flying out of Atlanta (after driving from Alabama) and me out of Wichita.  But I wasn't giving up because Chris and Marina's wedding was a must.  So that was that.

Things started falling in place a little more when my sister Angela suggested I stay with the family the night after the wedding instead of in a Pittsburgh hotel.  I booked a flight that left Monday instead of Sunday because it was WAY cheaper (Wichita, you suck for travel plans).  Dave, however, had to fly out on Sunday to be back to class on Monday.  When I decided to stay with Gene and Emma (who have claimed me as a daughter:), we figured out we'd need two rentals so that we could both drive back to the airport.  Last minute, Dave thought of the idea of me just driving him to the airport on Sunday, driving back to Erie, and then back to Pittsburgh on Monday (2 hour drive each way).  Crazy? A little.  More time with Dave, even if it's in the car? Yes.  Sometimes the chaotic logistics can be fun.  We're used to them.

Wake up at 3:30 a.m Saturday.  Stop at Dillon's for quart-size bag for toiletries and travel-size contact solution (I'm surprised those are the only things that came up missing).  Get to airport at 5:10 a.m. for a 6 a.m. take-off, usually plenty of time for ICT.  Huge lines.  Get through, board plane.  Layover in Minneapolis.  Huge breakfast and bloody Mary.  Board plane for Pittsburgh.  Listen to pilot say "giggity" after all his announcements, laugh.  Arrive at Pittsburgh to see Dave waiting for me at my gate! :) Get rental (Chevy Aveo) and refuse $9 upgrade to an SUV just on principle! Start trip to Erie and realize that might have been a mistake as it shakes and rattles.  Arrive at the Avalon hotel to find our room isn't ready yet, along with all of the Endicott rooms, haha.  Have some interesting customer service interactions but finally get our room.  Get ready and walk to The Union at Concourse Station.  Proceed with watching beautiful, short ceremony, party and several drinks......walk to the Plymouth Tavern bar, and the rest is history.  Seriously.  Was really out of it.  Good times with the crew.
































The next morning we got up and got ready to go and ended up stopping at Gene and Emma's for the family post-wedding lunch.  Dave got to visit with some crew members for a little bit before they left and then we left to take him to the airport.  I spend 4 hours in the beater, little red, driving to Pittsburgh and back.  I may or may not get a cheeseburger and small fry from McDonald's on my way back to Erie just because it always just makes me feel a little bit more normal after a little bit too much to drink.

When I get back, the family went to a nice local Italian restaurant where they know the Tudico name.  It was so good....I got Veal Parmesan.  I could eat that every day.  So many good laughs...even a little glass of wine :) and we practically closed the place. 

Angela, Chris, Marina and I had driven separately in the beater, so we proceeded with our U.P trip-in- one-night plan.  We headed to the beach on Lake Erie to get a glimpse of the sunset.  Then we headed home, where Chris demanded Gene build a fire, haha.  We sat around the fire for a bit and then our exhaustion got the best of us.  My sister was gracious enough to let me sleep in her room and I slept a good 9 hours......nice!


Woke up and had some coffee and breakfast and a couple hours later.....A MONDAY HOT DOG ROAST! It was so fun.



I headed back to Pittsburgh and made little red go like 80 in a 65 the whole way,  Yikes.  She didn't like to stop, but racing was not her thing either.  Dropped the car off real quick and then....BAM.  HUGE line for security.  It was 4.  My flight was at 4:55.  Wasn't gonna happen.  So I did what I could and asked the lady for some help, while sort of flashing my mil I.D., and she sent me to the first class line.  I'm in.

I'm not sure what has changed, but I'm really glad that I can focus enough to read now....in general, and on the plane.  I continued reading "MWF Seeking BFF," as I eyed this little scrawny 17 or 18 year old teenage boy next to me (who really smelled like one, too) who had a big, sealed yellow envelope addressed to Parris Island Recruiting. HellO, Marines.  Please don't kill this kid. 

I can REALLY relate to this book and Rachel Bertsche.  Have to love a book that is describing how you feel exactly.  Ok, guess I'm not completely crazy.  Ironically, I'm at a part of the book where she is traveling, and describing how she is being more open with talking to people when normally she would run from situations where she finds herself in a convo with a stranger, and that travel is a good opportunity to meet a potential BFF.  Well when I settle into the Sam Adams Brewery in ATL, this older man on the way to FL to visit his Mom (in the hospital) talks to me and we talk until I lose track of time and trot toward my gate after boarding begins (will this like mid-fifties guy be my BFF? Um, no.  But there was plenty to talk about!).  Luckily, like the earlier flight, it was a full flight and things were delayed and I waited for a few minutes.  Ok, not sure if it was the 2 beers I had, but I talked to the girl behind me walking onto the plane.  She sat behind me and then I found myself talking to her and the lady next to her, as well as the girl siting across the aisle.  Meanwhile, I guess the guy next to me was listening to what we were talking about because an hour into the flight he asks "So what kind of plane does your husband fly?" Then we talked the rest of the flight.  What is my point? This is not like me.  And it was fun, and a good ending to a great trip.

Monday, June 11, 2012

move on...I think I can, I think I can

Watched Bridesmaids again tonight.  3rd time.  It really makes me laugh hysterically.  But it also makes me feel like shit. 

I really don't want pity.

I just want someone who understands. I want someone who won't compare their life to mine.  I want someone who doesn't believe my life is "perfect" just because I have the perfect husband (really, I do) because I'm a human and still struggle with a lot, and a nice house, that we both worked really hard to afford (just being honest) and now feel even luckier to have with half the income. 

I want someone who needs me like I need them.  Someone who comes to me with their problems.  Someone who values my opinion.  I want the confidence to believe that I can still be this person in someone's life.  At this point.

I want someone who is honest with me and tells me when I screw up or if I'm being selfish. One who doesn't so easily give up on me.

It saddens me to this day that I lost my best friend from high school.  I'm more than willing to take at least 50% "blame," as our lives took us in different directions, and I didn't try hard enough.  This one sticks out the most to me, especially when I run across mixed CDs she made me with customized covers. 

And with all those requirements, it almost goes without saying, I don't want it to be fake.

It's painful to not have that "one" anymore. 

I wish our stories ended like Lillian and Annie's.

But we only get one life, and it always comes back to....it is what it is.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Irony

Today was a bad day for me.  A 180 from how I've been feeling.  I am just starting to feel suffocated.  Dave is gone all the time (not by choice, I understand) and we have 2 dogs.  How the HELL am I ever going to be able to have my own life and career? How am I going to CHOOSE my path?

Even though I try my best to be a good one, I was not designed to be (solely) an AF wife. 

No one will probably believe me, but over the last several months I've "concluded" that the only way for that to happen (the whole "me have a career that I want" thing) is with no dogs (kids?), and I've considered trying to find a new home for them.  I love them to death.  And this is actually going through my head.

It is agonizing to think about.  So much so that I broke down in tears tonight.  And not only just a few tears, I fell onto the floor crying.  For a long while.  Head pounding.  And Ellie was the only one there to cuddle up next to me and dry (lick) the tears off of my face.

Irony, huh?

I'm sure it will all work out...pretty sure I CAN NOT part with them.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

A little perspective

I'm honestly quite confused about my internal battle between wanting to go through 8 grueling years of school/residency and just wanting to spend as much time as possible with Dave and other family & friends.  Is that normal? A question for the doc next time I see him :)

And if someone tries to tell me that if I'm thinking this way, I probably don't want to do it, I'm calling a B.S. flag.  It's a big decision and if I do it, I will do my best at it and probably have wonderful experiences.  If I don't, I will find joy in other things. 

I imagine that doctors want to go to medical school because they want to study medicine and, like many who join the military, want to serve others.  They go into it accepting the lifestyle and sacrifice from possibly being on call all of the time, long hours, etc.  Because they love it, not because they want to be away from their family.

Maybe I'm just blogging my way to the answer to my own question. 

So what I really need to figure out is "will I love it enough to make it worth it?"  Who really knows until they do it, I guess.

I wouldn't trade my family for anything- I would be crazy to trade Dave for anything! So that makes it easier to just go with the flow at this point.  My circumstances might make it a little bit more scary to dive in to something that might get complicated, but if I just remind myself that I already have the most important thing (person) by my side....this journey will be a lot more fun.