Ok, so maybe I have not always had the MOST confidence in the world. On the flip side, even if I am very confident about something, I try to be humble.
So maybe that is why I have a problem with people with huge destructive egos. When you are confident, but a complete ass, you are serving no one but yourself. And probably very few people like you. Maybe you don't care, but they do, because they don't want to be around you. When you don't listen to anyone but yourself, you are ignoring the value of those around you. It's one thing to have an opinion about everything, it's another to shut down everyone around you. And another to be ignorant. That is just icing on your ego cake.
I want to know who your parents are and what they do that makes you so damn special.
Just saying. Confidence isn't everything.
*feeling better* :)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
We own an Energizer Dog
Ok, so I know Teddy has been resting/miserable all week with me studying and not really getting any Teddy exercise time in (I took him to the park a couple times for about 20 minutes....but that pretty much does nothing, and he played with his buddy Tater once) but WOW. I am continuously amazed/proud (hey, we've been training for years!) of how much this dog can RUN!
He has done 8 mile runs with me before, but that was because they were 8 mile training runs. We didn't stop because of him.....I'm wondering, how far CAN this dog run?!
Today I took him to the park. I threw the ball 20 times until he started to slow down (just a little bit) and then took him on a quick 1.5 mile run through through the park. I think that was his "break" because he didn't seem tired, so I threw the ball 30 more times. 30. As far as I could, with the Chuck It. And, it's a little different than running 8 miles, because he all-out SPRINTS when we play fetch.
He barely seemed phased by it. But I was freezing.
He is like Super Endurance Dog. Endurance, it runs in the family. I hope he lives forever:-p He's such a great running buddy for me because he just keeps going and going and going...
He has done 8 mile runs with me before, but that was because they were 8 mile training runs. We didn't stop because of him.....I'm wondering, how far CAN this dog run?!
Today I took him to the park. I threw the ball 20 times until he started to slow down (just a little bit) and then took him on a quick 1.5 mile run through through the park. I think that was his "break" because he didn't seem tired, so I threw the ball 30 more times. 30. As far as I could, with the Chuck It. And, it's a little different than running 8 miles, because he all-out SPRINTS when we play fetch.
He barely seemed phased by it. But I was freezing.
He is like Super Endurance Dog. Endurance, it runs in the family. I hope he lives forever:-p He's such a great running buddy for me because he just keeps going and going and going...
Friday, December 9, 2011
Always been a swimmer, not a diver
I can quickly see this turning into my "road to med school blog" and then my "in med school" blog, as I won't have a life outside of it...ha! Oh and this is all still "if," of course...
I kind of just want to dive into it before I realize what I'm doing. That sounds insane, and I don't think it's recommended. Not really how I do things anyway. I generally like to analyze every detail before making a decision. But maybe I'm just sick of doing that?
Some humorous and inspiring things that have happened since I've been sharing this whole idea with people:
1) After telling her I was in a bad mood, Meghan telling me that she had some good news. She was at the doctor for her yearly exam and.....nope, she isn't pregnant. I thought that's what she was gonna say! No. She told her doc (during her pap, mind you...ya know, pap small talk) about my 'med school aspirations' and she told Meghan I should go. And Meghan tells me, all excited. "I told my doc about you, and she said you should go!" Like, simple as that. I laughed a lot, thinking...this woman doesn't know me. But, at the same time, very cool.
2) Emily texting me and telling me she was stalking me on FB...and was wondering if I was still thinking about med school. She told me I would be a rockstar. How fun does that sound? :) Thanks, Em.
3) Rachel pointing out a young med student at Panera while we were studying, and me staring at her in admiration similar to the way a child stares at their hero :) I seriously wanted to run up and talk to her. Funny.
4) My professor who works with several doctors telling me he thinks there is a niche for me in that world and I would do well at it......that sort of made my day.
I sincerely hope this does not come across as bragging. There is nothing to brag about, as I have not actually taken this leap yet. But it's just exciting to hear encouragement from people who care, and even better, halfway believe it about myself too.
I kind of just want to dive into it before I realize what I'm doing. That sounds insane, and I don't think it's recommended. Not really how I do things anyway. I generally like to analyze every detail before making a decision. But maybe I'm just sick of doing that?
Some humorous and inspiring things that have happened since I've been sharing this whole idea with people:
1) After telling her I was in a bad mood, Meghan telling me that she had some good news. She was at the doctor for her yearly exam and.....nope, she isn't pregnant. I thought that's what she was gonna say! No. She told her doc (during her pap, mind you...ya know, pap small talk) about my 'med school aspirations' and she told Meghan I should go. And Meghan tells me, all excited. "I told my doc about you, and she said you should go!" Like, simple as that. I laughed a lot, thinking...this woman doesn't know me. But, at the same time, very cool.
2) Emily texting me and telling me she was stalking me on FB...and was wondering if I was still thinking about med school. She told me I would be a rockstar. How fun does that sound? :) Thanks, Em.
3) Rachel pointing out a young med student at Panera while we were studying, and me staring at her in admiration similar to the way a child stares at their hero :) I seriously wanted to run up and talk to her. Funny.
4) My professor who works with several doctors telling me he thinks there is a niche for me in that world and I would do well at it......that sort of made my day.
I sincerely hope this does not come across as bragging. There is nothing to brag about, as I have not actually taken this leap yet. But it's just exciting to hear encouragement from people who care, and even better, halfway believe it about myself too.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
This is what we call "soul searching"
Following last week's meeting, I was so excited and confident about my ability to actually become a doctor (which may have come across in my post). I know some people would say "well of course you could do it." But if you really know me, you probably would be excited for me to have this type of revelation about myself:)
But that isn't all there is to it. It's the external factors. How long am I willing to live apart from Dave & Teddy? Do I have time to get all the prerequisites done and still start at a decent age? Am I willing to be pregnant during residency (let's face it, I would be in prime baby-making years...if not already later). If you know me, you also probably wouldn't be surprised to know that immediately upon really considering this profession (more than just 'a thought') I started looking up "how this would work." Of course there are plenty of forums on the topic. It was very interesting to read different tips and experiences.
Well this week, it feels closer to impossible. Maybe I'm reading too many statistics on depression in medical students? :)
Most people (I would almost argue all people) need to be needed. Some people might disagree, but I think it's human nature. And I've always longed to make a difference. When I was in the Air Force, it did get to a point where I felt needed. But I certainly did not feel like I was making a difference. It's important to be comfortable in what you are doing and know that you are working to your full potential. Well, it's important for me. Comes back to the infamous quote:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman
Well, I think the world DOES need more doctors. But that fact aside, I think I would feel alive. Directly being able to interact with people on a personal level, and getting to use 8 years of school and training and ongoing research to give them the best treatment I can.
I think another thing exciting to me about being a doctor despite the time and effort (and $) to get there is that not only would it be a constant challenge, but I really do think I would be good at it. Something I was missing before. What ever qualified me to be a good Communications Officer? I was a good Officer, but I was not ok with not being passionate about Communications. Because it was just a constant, tiring struggle/battle, not an exciting challenge. I was not alive.
Is going through 8 years of school really so bad if it makes you come out feeling alive (exhausted, but alive)? Only I can make that call. Shadow time.
But that isn't all there is to it. It's the external factors. How long am I willing to live apart from Dave & Teddy? Do I have time to get all the prerequisites done and still start at a decent age? Am I willing to be pregnant during residency (let's face it, I would be in prime baby-making years...if not already later). If you know me, you also probably wouldn't be surprised to know that immediately upon really considering this profession (more than just 'a thought') I started looking up "how this would work." Of course there are plenty of forums on the topic. It was very interesting to read different tips and experiences.
Well this week, it feels closer to impossible. Maybe I'm reading too many statistics on depression in medical students? :)
Most people (I would almost argue all people) need to be needed. Some people might disagree, but I think it's human nature. And I've always longed to make a difference. When I was in the Air Force, it did get to a point where I felt needed. But I certainly did not feel like I was making a difference. It's important to be comfortable in what you are doing and know that you are working to your full potential. Well, it's important for me. Comes back to the infamous quote:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman
Well, I think the world DOES need more doctors. But that fact aside, I think I would feel alive. Directly being able to interact with people on a personal level, and getting to use 8 years of school and training and ongoing research to give them the best treatment I can.
I think another thing exciting to me about being a doctor despite the time and effort (and $) to get there is that not only would it be a constant challenge, but I really do think I would be good at it. Something I was missing before. What ever qualified me to be a good Communications Officer? I was a good Officer, but I was not ok with not being passionate about Communications. Because it was just a constant, tiring struggle/battle, not an exciting challenge. I was not alive.
Is going through 8 years of school really so bad if it makes you come out feeling alive (exhausted, but alive)? Only I can make that call. Shadow time.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Medical School
A couple weeks (vs months) between posts. The goal is days. Because this is therapeutic.
When I look back on my "journey" over the last 4 years (or maybe 8 if you count my time at Michigan), I really don't regret it at all. I have doubted myself, over and over. I started off in Engineering at Michigan and flopped. I've come full circle today and have thought about engineering again. But at the time I didn't even know why I was going to school for engineering (I believe the reason I chose it was because I was "good at math and science" according to high school guidance counselors. My bad for not checking more into that...). Well I'm old enough now to realize why that didn't work out. I got a job in the Air Force that had nothing to do with my degree, which ended up being Movement Science (Air Force Officer standard....you're just leading people, "doesn't matter" what your degree is in). Long story short, when I reflect on that time now, I was not happy with what I was doing for a couple reasons. I was not trained in the field I was leading. This was a big deal to me. Additionally, regardless of how much training I had, I was in a position where I really couldn't change what I saw was wrong or not working.
Like I mentioned, I'll keep that part "short." But about a year ago, I was hungry for more education. That is why I chose to go back to school at a good school nearby. I didn't want an online degree because I wanted to get back in the classroom. Fortunately for me, this was an option. Although not always easy as I had to leave work early a lot to get to class. I chose to go back to school for a Masters of Education in Exercise Science. I saw this as an extension of my undergrad; and I just wanted to refresh what I had already learned and advance my education. I was so excited to go back to school. Call me crazy! I'm ok with that. It's about to get crazier.
Well as I got further and further into the degree, I was enjoying it. I enjoyed the subject matter. I didn't really enjoy people asking me what I was going to do with it, because I honestly didn't have an answer. "Exercise Science" along with some certifications would allow me to be an "Exercise Physiologist." What do they do, you're probably wondering. No need to go into that either, really. (Ok, the American Society of Exercise Physiologists says "Exercise Physiology is the identification of physiological mechanisms underlying physical activity, the comprehensive delivery of treatment services concerned with the analysis, improvement, and maintenance of health and fitness, rehabilitation of heart disease and other diseases and/or disabilities, and the professional guidance and counsel of athletes and others interested in athletics, sports training, and human adaptability to acute and chronic exercise."). No, I don't plan on being a personal trainer. Don't need a Master's for that, and, I don't have interest in personal training. No I don't plan on being a "gym teacher." My answer was pretty much no to every question I was asked, either because it wasn't the work of an exercise physiologist or because it wasn't my interest to apply it in that manner. But I love the material, and the concepts...and basically, how exercise fits into life...
My plan was to keep this short, but oh well:) I've always thought off and on about almost every medical career field. I used to "think" I wanted to be a Physical Therapist. I've thought about Physician's Assistant, and Nursing. And over the last few weeks, I've considered medical school. What is really exciting is figuring what I do and don't want to do, and why. For me, this has taken time. But I think it's true for most people.
This evening, I met with a friend of Dave and I's who is an Air Force doctor. Since considering this profession, I've been seeking out info from any docs I know! What's making me lean toward this option is the ability to use the science to diagnose. To use my exercise science background and beliefs in preventative medicine to treat patients. I digress. So, I was so excited walking away from this dinner "meeting" :) that I talked to Dave about it for 2 hours afterwards. She was so awesome and it was a great conversation. She kept apologizing for possibly boring me but I was anything but bored. I was fascinated with everything. What she really made me realize is that doctors march to the beat of a different drum. But when have I not. People will always discourage you from this profession. "Why would you want to go to school that long? And it's a lot of money." These are very valid points, and you must really want to be a doctor to go through with it, so I appreciate that honesty from a doctor. But she talked me through it all. She made me realize I would have a good shot of getting in. She laid out several options for going through with it; she pointed out the cons AND the pros (I mention in that order because you really only hear about the cons usually). She encouraged me to shadow some doctors. But she is a doctor and she was excited to talk about it. It's up to me to figure out if it's what I want, but it was so refreshing to see and hear a glimpse of what I believe I would love about this profession. Mostly, it was comforting to find someone who will guide me through THIS part of the journey...:)
I really believe that everything that happens to you shapes who you are; my point in all this is that everything I have gone through has helped me get closer to, baby step by baby step, what I want to contribute to this very big world of ours. And every step has given me a little more strength and confidence. No journey is easy, but the challenge is really starting to feel worth it.
Dinner was on me. A token of my appreciation for the huge inspiration I received.
More to come.
When I look back on my "journey" over the last 4 years (or maybe 8 if you count my time at Michigan), I really don't regret it at all. I have doubted myself, over and over. I started off in Engineering at Michigan and flopped. I've come full circle today and have thought about engineering again. But at the time I didn't even know why I was going to school for engineering (I believe the reason I chose it was because I was "good at math and science" according to high school guidance counselors. My bad for not checking more into that...). Well I'm old enough now to realize why that didn't work out. I got a job in the Air Force that had nothing to do with my degree, which ended up being Movement Science (Air Force Officer standard....you're just leading people, "doesn't matter" what your degree is in). Long story short, when I reflect on that time now, I was not happy with what I was doing for a couple reasons. I was not trained in the field I was leading. This was a big deal to me. Additionally, regardless of how much training I had, I was in a position where I really couldn't change what I saw was wrong or not working.
Like I mentioned, I'll keep that part "short." But about a year ago, I was hungry for more education. That is why I chose to go back to school at a good school nearby. I didn't want an online degree because I wanted to get back in the classroom. Fortunately for me, this was an option. Although not always easy as I had to leave work early a lot to get to class. I chose to go back to school for a Masters of Education in Exercise Science. I saw this as an extension of my undergrad; and I just wanted to refresh what I had already learned and advance my education. I was so excited to go back to school. Call me crazy! I'm ok with that. It's about to get crazier.
Well as I got further and further into the degree, I was enjoying it. I enjoyed the subject matter. I didn't really enjoy people asking me what I was going to do with it, because I honestly didn't have an answer. "Exercise Science" along with some certifications would allow me to be an "Exercise Physiologist." What do they do, you're probably wondering. No need to go into that either, really. (Ok, the American Society of Exercise Physiologists says "Exercise Physiology is the identification of physiological mechanisms underlying physical activity, the comprehensive delivery of treatment services concerned with the analysis, improvement, and maintenance of health and fitness, rehabilitation of heart disease and other diseases and/or disabilities, and the professional guidance and counsel of athletes and others interested in athletics, sports training, and human adaptability to acute and chronic exercise."). No, I don't plan on being a personal trainer. Don't need a Master's for that, and, I don't have interest in personal training. No I don't plan on being a "gym teacher." My answer was pretty much no to every question I was asked, either because it wasn't the work of an exercise physiologist or because it wasn't my interest to apply it in that manner. But I love the material, and the concepts...and basically, how exercise fits into life...
My plan was to keep this short, but oh well:) I've always thought off and on about almost every medical career field. I used to "think" I wanted to be a Physical Therapist. I've thought about Physician's Assistant, and Nursing. And over the last few weeks, I've considered medical school. What is really exciting is figuring what I do and don't want to do, and why. For me, this has taken time. But I think it's true for most people.
This evening, I met with a friend of Dave and I's who is an Air Force doctor. Since considering this profession, I've been seeking out info from any docs I know! What's making me lean toward this option is the ability to use the science to diagnose. To use my exercise science background and beliefs in preventative medicine to treat patients. I digress. So, I was so excited walking away from this dinner "meeting" :) that I talked to Dave about it for 2 hours afterwards. She was so awesome and it was a great conversation. She kept apologizing for possibly boring me but I was anything but bored. I was fascinated with everything. What she really made me realize is that doctors march to the beat of a different drum. But when have I not. People will always discourage you from this profession. "Why would you want to go to school that long? And it's a lot of money." These are very valid points, and you must really want to be a doctor to go through with it, so I appreciate that honesty from a doctor. But she talked me through it all. She made me realize I would have a good shot of getting in. She laid out several options for going through with it; she pointed out the cons AND the pros (I mention in that order because you really only hear about the cons usually). She encouraged me to shadow some doctors. But she is a doctor and she was excited to talk about it. It's up to me to figure out if it's what I want, but it was so refreshing to see and hear a glimpse of what I believe I would love about this profession. Mostly, it was comforting to find someone who will guide me through THIS part of the journey...:)
I really believe that everything that happens to you shapes who you are; my point in all this is that everything I have gone through has helped me get closer to, baby step by baby step, what I want to contribute to this very big world of ours. And every step has given me a little more strength and confidence. No journey is easy, but the challenge is really starting to feel worth it.
Dinner was on me. A token of my appreciation for the huge inspiration I received.
More to come.
Monday, October 31, 2011
You've Got a Friend in Me
So, perhaps we could have gotten into character a little more...Jessie could have winked, Woody could have engraved "Andy" on the bottom of his boot...
And then our friend pointed out that Jessie really likes Buzz....and I remembered that Woody and Jessie were more like "brother and sister" or "best friends." Oops. Details, details. The best friend part works out. And as another good friend pointed out to Dave "You're an awesome Woody!" Good times.
Dave and I have never been the "biggest" Halloween people (I'm a bigger fan than he is, I think), but distance makes the heart grow fonder! Dave has been deployed for the last couple Halloweens, so I was excited for this year. Dave was also deployed this year when I came up with the idea of being Woody and Jessie (actually, I believe the idea originated from a friend who said he looked like Woody in his cowboy jeans a few months back...)
So, even though Dave voted for me buying a Jessie costume with chaps included, I thought it would be cooler if we (he) made them. Dave can sew (what can't he do?), but I don't think he wanted to "mess them up." I had all the confidence. So, on the day of our friend's Halloween party (nothing like waiting to the last minute), we bought a sewing machine and Dave sewed my chaps! So much cooler than buying the pre-made Jessie suit. I wish I had taken a picture of him working on them....so impressive! Ok I'm done bragging for now (But don't they look good? :)
While Dave was laboring on the sewing machine, I was baking. I wanted to contribute more than just alcohol to my friend Liz's party, ha! Pretty sure a lot of people didn't want cake after filling up on her YUMMY 30 lbs of chili, but these (recipe here) got me into the spirit a little bit:
Liz throws an excellent party! Great costumes, great music, great ambiance, great food, some other great photos maybe I won't post here, haha, and some great friends. Happy Halloween.
...and, Teddy would have probably made a good Bullseye, no? :)
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| Jessie and Woody |
And then our friend pointed out that Jessie really likes Buzz....and I remembered that Woody and Jessie were more like "brother and sister" or "best friends." Oops. Details, details. The best friend part works out. And as another good friend pointed out to Dave "You're an awesome Woody!" Good times.
Dave and I have never been the "biggest" Halloween people (I'm a bigger fan than he is, I think), but distance makes the heart grow fonder! Dave has been deployed for the last couple Halloweens, so I was excited for this year. Dave was also deployed this year when I came up with the idea of being Woody and Jessie (actually, I believe the idea originated from a friend who said he looked like Woody in his cowboy jeans a few months back...)
So, even though Dave voted for me buying a Jessie costume with chaps included, I thought it would be cooler if we (he) made them. Dave can sew (what can't he do?), but I don't think he wanted to "mess them up." I had all the confidence. So, on the day of our friend's Halloween party (nothing like waiting to the last minute), we bought a sewing machine and Dave sewed my chaps! So much cooler than buying the pre-made Jessie suit. I wish I had taken a picture of him working on them....so impressive! Ok I'm done bragging for now (But don't they look good? :)
While Dave was laboring on the sewing machine, I was baking. I wanted to contribute more than just alcohol to my friend Liz's party, ha! Pretty sure a lot of people didn't want cake after filling up on her YUMMY 30 lbs of chili, but these (recipe here) got me into the spirit a little bit:
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| Our friend Randy went as Dave. It was great. See the resemblance?? |
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| Seriously the best witch EVER, my lovely friend Adinah (she had that face on all night....awesome). |
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| Me with the host, the lovely Liz. |
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Our friends Matt and Katie. Matt as Katie (Phantom of the Opera) and Katie as Matt (Pilot). Clever!
|
 |
| Oh dear. |
 | |||
| And every party needs a Scream guy. |
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| Yeah there was a lil' extra cake. |
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A Fallen Hero
I'll never forget the confusion and the heaviness I felt in my chest when an out-of-the-blue facebook post (a simple ":(" face) on my wall from an old friend led me to do some searching around...facebook. I was quickly able to conclude from the overwhelming amount of condolences on her cousin Meg's wall that Meg's brother Ian had passed away. My family used to vacation in the U.P. every summer with Meg and Ian's family when we were all just a bit younger.
Ian was a Marine who worked in an EOD unit. Explosive Ordnance Disposal. One of the ones who wears a bomb suit and disarms IEDs. One of the most dangerous jobs you can get. While I had lost touch with the McConnell family over the years, I followed Ian and Meg on facebook regularly. Imagine that. Me, on facebook. But it was Meg's facebook page that always kept me in the loop on when Ian was gone, and just how close they were and how much she adored him. This facebook connection was also what allowed me to catch up with Ian a little bit during his last deployment. He messaged me one day while I was just sittin' on the couch doing my hw...and naturally getting distracted by fb. Out in the middle of nowhere disarming bombs, I'm sure his unit had the ultimate Comm hook-up. One of the perks of putting your life on the line daily.
Of course I don't remember talking much about Ian....because he had plenty of questions for me about what I was up to and what was going on in my life. I'm sure any distraction from the stresses of that environment were welcomed. Ian did talk a little...I told him we want to go to Washington state for our next assignment and he told me how beautiful it is and that he would like to move there when he gets out of the USMC. We chatted a few different times, I sent him a care package, he told me I ROCKED (I sent him a care package, he disarms bombs for a living....who do you think is more awesome?), he mentioned wanting to buy me and Dave a beer some day (again, I think that one would be on us...but Ian was always that way...I even remember as a kid) we messaged back and forth a couple more times towards the end of his deployment/his way home...and that was it.
Ian committed suicide on July 6, 2011. He suffered from PTSD and had recently lost a best friend to the war (and I'm sure others previously). I don't know all of the other details and intricacies of what was going on in his life...but knowing his job and what he probably went through on multiple deployments was enough that it didn't come as a HUGE shock. Which is even MORE sad. It was a wake-up call that no matter how much love and support a person has, no matter how many people view you as a hero, a mentor, friend...no matter how much you positively impact other people's lives (this was all obviously the case with Ian), there is a mental condition that can take it all away. Can make the pain unbearable to live. As his sister put it, the PTSD killed him. I've really been struggling with how very very sad this is. This happens all of the time, but this time I happened to know the person. It struck me. How terribly, terribly sad it is. I just wanted to share this as awareness...that this problem is prevalent throughout the military. There are different levels of care, accessibility to services, etc. but the problem is serious. Bottom line. Ian is a casualty of war.
RIP Ian. My memories of you will always be of the happy times at Birch Shores. Your cheerful personality and distinct grin. Swimming to the island. Shooting the potato gun...ya know, trying to hit the raft. Skiing. Dinners on your #1 Cabin bluff. I'm just so sorry that we never got to reunite in person to catch up and reminisce. Thank you for your service.
Ian was a Marine who worked in an EOD unit. Explosive Ordnance Disposal. One of the ones who wears a bomb suit and disarms IEDs. One of the most dangerous jobs you can get. While I had lost touch with the McConnell family over the years, I followed Ian and Meg on facebook regularly. Imagine that. Me, on facebook. But it was Meg's facebook page that always kept me in the loop on when Ian was gone, and just how close they were and how much she adored him. This facebook connection was also what allowed me to catch up with Ian a little bit during his last deployment. He messaged me one day while I was just sittin' on the couch doing my hw...and naturally getting distracted by fb. Out in the middle of nowhere disarming bombs, I'm sure his unit had the ultimate Comm hook-up. One of the perks of putting your life on the line daily.
Of course I don't remember talking much about Ian....because he had plenty of questions for me about what I was up to and what was going on in my life. I'm sure any distraction from the stresses of that environment were welcomed. Ian did talk a little...I told him we want to go to Washington state for our next assignment and he told me how beautiful it is and that he would like to move there when he gets out of the USMC. We chatted a few different times, I sent him a care package, he told me I ROCKED (I sent him a care package, he disarms bombs for a living....who do you think is more awesome?), he mentioned wanting to buy me and Dave a beer some day (again, I think that one would be on us...but Ian was always that way...I even remember as a kid) we messaged back and forth a couple more times towards the end of his deployment/his way home...and that was it.
Ian committed suicide on July 6, 2011. He suffered from PTSD and had recently lost a best friend to the war (and I'm sure others previously). I don't know all of the other details and intricacies of what was going on in his life...but knowing his job and what he probably went through on multiple deployments was enough that it didn't come as a HUGE shock. Which is even MORE sad. It was a wake-up call that no matter how much love and support a person has, no matter how many people view you as a hero, a mentor, friend...no matter how much you positively impact other people's lives (this was all obviously the case with Ian), there is a mental condition that can take it all away. Can make the pain unbearable to live. As his sister put it, the PTSD killed him. I've really been struggling with how very very sad this is. This happens all of the time, but this time I happened to know the person. It struck me. How terribly, terribly sad it is. I just wanted to share this as awareness...that this problem is prevalent throughout the military. There are different levels of care, accessibility to services, etc. but the problem is serious. Bottom line. Ian is a casualty of war.
RIP Ian. My memories of you will always be of the happy times at Birch Shores. Your cheerful personality and distinct grin. Swimming to the island. Shooting the potato gun...ya know, trying to hit the raft. Skiing. Dinners on your #1 Cabin bluff. I'm just so sorry that we never got to reunite in person to catch up and reminisce. Thank you for your service.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Bittersweet Emotion
I've noticed that almost every single person who I tell I'm leaving the Air Force asks "So what are you going to do when you get out?"
Sometimes it is with a particular tone that implies there are no other options out there. This kind of makes me laugh and also really irritates me. Since it is completely untrue. Yeah, the job market is bad right now. You don't think I've weighed that factor?? Just another challenge.
The other part that I think adds to my frustration is that I just don't want to be asked that question. I get that it is a natural progression of the topic of conversation. But I don't know exactly what path I am headed down. And I'm ok with that. Do I want to work? Yes. Doing what? I'm exploring, and really wanting more time to study and find out what I really love. Do I want to have children? Yes. When? Not now. Any other questions? :)
What I do know, as my previous entries reveal, is that it was never going to be an easy decision for me to leave, and there will always be things I miss. I've accepted that. And still think about it. I also know that despite those things, I am excited for another chapter. I am excited to finish my Masters, and possibly go back to school again because I've been so hungry to learn (a skill set) for the last couple years. I am going to spend more quality time with my husband, and be home for the 6 months he is home each year simply because I feel like being apart more than that doesn't sound fun anymore. Well, it never did, but that went with me wanting to serve my country. I am going to create a more stable environment for our (future) children by ensuring at least one parent will be around when the other is sent off at a moment's notice. I know that making a career change now sounds better than trying to do it after I have children.
The journey of this decision has taught me that only you really know whats best for you. It's been a difficult decision, but I did it. No regrets about joining. No regrets about leaving. Maybe just a little bittersweet emotion.
Sometimes it is with a particular tone that implies there are no other options out there. This kind of makes me laugh and also really irritates me. Since it is completely untrue. Yeah, the job market is bad right now. You don't think I've weighed that factor?? Just another challenge.
The other part that I think adds to my frustration is that I just don't want to be asked that question. I get that it is a natural progression of the topic of conversation. But I don't know exactly what path I am headed down. And I'm ok with that. Do I want to work? Yes. Doing what? I'm exploring, and really wanting more time to study and find out what I really love. Do I want to have children? Yes. When? Not now. Any other questions? :)
What I do know, as my previous entries reveal, is that it was never going to be an easy decision for me to leave, and there will always be things I miss. I've accepted that. And still think about it. I also know that despite those things, I am excited for another chapter. I am excited to finish my Masters, and possibly go back to school again because I've been so hungry to learn (a skill set) for the last couple years. I am going to spend more quality time with my husband, and be home for the 6 months he is home each year simply because I feel like being apart more than that doesn't sound fun anymore. Well, it never did, but that went with me wanting to serve my country. I am going to create a more stable environment for our (future) children by ensuring at least one parent will be around when the other is sent off at a moment's notice. I know that making a career change now sounds better than trying to do it after I have children.
The journey of this decision has taught me that only you really know whats best for you. It's been a difficult decision, but I did it. No regrets about joining. No regrets about leaving. Maybe just a little bittersweet emotion.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tears are weapons
I have recently discovered for myself that tears really do 'cleanse.' One of my New Years resolutions was to not allow work to give me stomach pains...or any kind of physical pain, really. Well, I've never really been too good with resolutions. It's probably bad luck to begin with that I usually don't even get around to making them until around the 3rd or 4th of January.
So, just give it a few weeks and around the 3rd week of January (I did really good the first couple of weeks....I did), I not only found myself with the normal chest pains and stomach aches, but I found myself bursting into tears on the way home from work. Yes, tears. Never even really saw them coming, but it's like all day my body was just waiting to release the unbearable amount of stress I was feeling. As I cried, I even kind of laughed at the same time. Let me tell you, it was all soon followed by some really loud singing and banging on the steering wheel.
Might sound extreme. Ask me to recall the specific events that brought this stress on, and I can't. Maybe this is an indication that it was never worth stressing over in the first place, I'm not sure. But who are you to judge?! :-) It's really the same types of things work-related, day in and day out. Perhaps the bigger problem is me allowing things to stress me out so much (but again, who can really be the judge of whether or not I'm overreacting other than me? I have high standards...for myself...for others...for the Air Force). I don't think my problem is dealing with the stress. Because my body took care of that real quickly.
So quickly, in fact, that it intrigued me. This was not an expected cry, like other types of emotional tears...like ones you expect when someone close to you passes away, for example. I've never questioned those tears. These were formed from frustration...anger, even.
A couple weeks later, it happened again. I decided to do some reading on stress, tears, the different types of tears and their makeup.
There are Basal tears, the ones that continuously keep your cornea wet. Kind of boring. Then there are reflex tears, which wash away irritants or foreign objects that get in your eye. And lastly, there are 'crying' tears...associated with a range of emotion and sometimes even accompanied by all kinds of other exciting physical symptoms.
If the chemicals/proteins associated with stress did not discharge at all, they would build up to toxic levels that could weaken the body's immune system and other biological processes. But the body has its own mechanisms of coping with this stress. The chemicals are secreted when we sweat and when we cry.
Inadvertently in crying the person is aiding the emotional processing of the hurt experience. It means they are mentally facing and accepting the event that has upset them and allowing the natural response of crying to occur. This allows emotional processing to proceed, weakening the power of the thoughts to upset them (possibly through exposure and habituation). Each time upsetting thoughts are faced and reacted to, their power is weakened so that gradually emotional hurts become less painful. ~ Roger Baker
After each 'episode,' I felt relief. I was winning! (I got that from my older, wiser brother, Brandon). I could get on with starting all over the next day. Maybe a couple more weeks of BS (I'm sorry, toxic proteins) would build up and I'd have to get rid of it again.
So, I know that I have tears to battle the 'pain.' They are on my side. And people look at tears as a sign of weakness. Ha! I think not. They are weapons. Let them work for you. They work for me. (I must have a lot of toxins building up, because I sweat a lot too when I workout...)
So, just give it a few weeks and around the 3rd week of January (I did really good the first couple of weeks....I did), I not only found myself with the normal chest pains and stomach aches, but I found myself bursting into tears on the way home from work. Yes, tears. Never even really saw them coming, but it's like all day my body was just waiting to release the unbearable amount of stress I was feeling. As I cried, I even kind of laughed at the same time. Let me tell you, it was all soon followed by some really loud singing and banging on the steering wheel.
Might sound extreme. Ask me to recall the specific events that brought this stress on, and I can't. Maybe this is an indication that it was never worth stressing over in the first place, I'm not sure. But who are you to judge?! :-) It's really the same types of things work-related, day in and day out. Perhaps the bigger problem is me allowing things to stress me out so much (but again, who can really be the judge of whether or not I'm overreacting other than me? I have high standards...for myself...for others...for the Air Force). I don't think my problem is dealing with the stress. Because my body took care of that real quickly.
So quickly, in fact, that it intrigued me. This was not an expected cry, like other types of emotional tears...like ones you expect when someone close to you passes away, for example. I've never questioned those tears. These were formed from frustration...anger, even.
A couple weeks later, it happened again. I decided to do some reading on stress, tears, the different types of tears and their makeup.
There are Basal tears, the ones that continuously keep your cornea wet. Kind of boring. Then there are reflex tears, which wash away irritants or foreign objects that get in your eye. And lastly, there are 'crying' tears...associated with a range of emotion and sometimes even accompanied by all kinds of other exciting physical symptoms.
If the chemicals/proteins associated with stress did not discharge at all, they would build up to toxic levels that could weaken the body's immune system and other biological processes. But the body has its own mechanisms of coping with this stress. The chemicals are secreted when we sweat and when we cry.
Inadvertently in crying the person is aiding the emotional processing of the hurt experience. It means they are mentally facing and accepting the event that has upset them and allowing the natural response of crying to occur. This allows emotional processing to proceed, weakening the power of the thoughts to upset them (possibly through exposure and habituation). Each time upsetting thoughts are faced and reacted to, their power is weakened so that gradually emotional hurts become less painful. ~ Roger Baker
After each 'episode,' I felt relief. I was winning! (I got that from my older, wiser brother, Brandon). I could get on with starting all over the next day. Maybe a couple more weeks of BS (I'm sorry, toxic proteins) would build up and I'd have to get rid of it again.
So, I know that I have tears to battle the 'pain.' They are on my side. And people look at tears as a sign of weakness. Ha! I think not. They are weapons. Let them work for you. They work for me. (I must have a lot of toxins building up, because I sweat a lot too when I workout...)
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