Changing, but staying the same

So the other day I had what I would call an emotional outburst in (onto?) my blog.  I reverted it to a draft, because it was, well.....too emotionally charged for anyone to enjoy reading it, probably.

I'm starting to think that you really have to be hurt by someone or something....really knocked down a few times or hit in the face....to really have an open heart.  I just feel different recently.

I really don't know when it started happening, but I believe that for the last several years I've been afraid (not consciously) to give to people and be open in fear that it wouldn't be returned (not material things....I'm talking relationships).  Or, afraid to just let things evolve and be more honest with people if/when things go awry (there is probably a better word there), and instead I just prevent things from happening and relationships from forming.  Basically....I don't let too many people make the cut so that I can keep the control.  Keep the ball in my court.

It gets sort of lonely that way.

It's so much easier to just live and forgive.

Granted, I still don't want to be best friends with anyone and everyone.....I know me and I know I can't do that.  And I'm talking everyday types of situations with people and friends.  Trust me.....I've been very unforgiving and not very trusting of many people.

But everyone is facing a battle.  And you may not realize or always know what it is at any given time.  Or you may think it's "nothing" compared to your battle.  People also make mistakes.  People change.  Some really change, but also stay the same (>insert Bridesmaids argument here<). Ok, I'll do it:

Annie: Well, you know, she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It's funny how people change, isn't it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.
Annie: But I mean we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don't think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don't.

Aaaanyway...

Basically, I've been too hard on people.  I am really hard on myself, so I guess that's where it started.  I will always have high expectations of people and can't promise I'll never judge, but really.....that is pretty useless unless I'm willing to help them with their struggle or offer advice, or help them use or see their own strengths.    

Someone recently posted the following quote on FB: "If you never expect anything from anyone, you'll never be disappointed."  This is a little bit of the opposite extreme.  Not looking to get walked over, either.  Not looking to be cut off from a friend of 8 years.  Because that would most certainly hurt any human being.  But there is an element of truth and wisdom to that quote.  What it sort of makes me realize is....I can be picky but still be open.  Being open and forgiving is so much easier and better than isolation :)

I think what I'm really feeling is more confident about who I am and ok with things not working out.