Head vs. Heart

Some people primarily use one. Some people primarily use the other. I seem to let them battle it out pretty hard sometimes (maybe sometimes longer than is necessary as I worry about my decisions).

Right after my last revelation (read here for heartfelt emotions), my mind started going in high gear to determine what I would need to do to make it all happen. (Getting into WSU's physical therapy program). Volunteer hours. Study for/take GRE. Ok, I could probably get those done before November 15 (application deadline for the 2010 class). But then the pre-reqs. Take some pre-reqs...retake others. Back myself into a corner to get all As in the pre-reqs to even be considered for the P.T. program, let alone competitive. All while working full time. Why would I do this to myself? Some might feel it would be a risk worth taking, but I decided the timing isn't right.

The day before I was supposed to meet with a counselor for the P.T. program to discuss pre-requisites, I canceled. No, I'm not giving up. But hear me out. I didn't want her to potentially make me question all of my thinking over the past week...

All of my thinking from the past week culminated in another decision that made me feel more comfortable. My head had a little conversation with my heart, if you will. They compromised. I was starting to feel very overwhelmed. Putting too much on my plate and setting myself up to be disappointed in myself if everything didn't work out and I didn't get in. Basically, I want to give myself a fair shot at getting into P.T. school and now doesn't feel like the time. Plus, other things keep floating around my head....even P.A. school. I need to be more positive of the route I'm going to take before flipping my world upside down.

So the compromise is this. I'm going to continue with my Master of Education in Exercise Science while continuing to work (this is undoubtedly the right decision for my student loans). As my commitment in the Air Force draws closer to an end, I will look for jobs in my field. While I work on my Masters and get re-engaged with my field of study, I hope to focus in more on exactly what I want to do. This still allows me to do what I need to do for myself while not making snap decisions I may regret. This makes me happy.

If P.T. school is in my future, it will probably be at our next base (hopefully Spokane, Washington at Fairchild Air Force Base. School: Eastern Washington University. Yes, I've looked ahead to possible schools in the areas we could move). If I try to get in the 2012 class here, I would be staying here for an additional year to finish when Dave moves to another base in 2014. Nothing about this is simple! But that is ok...I signed up to be flexible when I married Dave (or I guess I should say I signed up to be extra flexible). It's a little stressful, but it's life. This gives me plenty of time to get more experience, knock out some pre-reqs and bump up my GPA if needed for yet another degree. Who knows, maybe I won't even need another one to do what I want to do.

Sound like a plan? I think so. Thank you head. Thank you heart. I feel great about this. Let's do this.

Change

'In change there is destruction, decay and despair, and yet there is also creation, opportunity and the potential for immense joy. Change itself is neutral. It doesn't care what it does to you. What really matters is what you do with it.' - Ralph Marston

A couple of days ago, as we were making the long drive back from Chicago to Wichita, I was lost in another one of my moments...in the midst of 'trying to figure out what to do with my life' and what my next step is going to be, and I stumbled upon this quote on a friend's facebook page and it hit me. Why am I so afraid to let the Air Force go? I guess I'm too comfortable in a way. Yet I'm so very uncomfortable. Over the last several months, I've started to give more and more consideration to what I'm going to do with my future as I've clearly become less and less happy with my current occupation. For several reasons that I can't really begin to explain, I've really struggled with 'should I stay or should I go?' I keep giving myself reasons (logical reasons I guess you could say) to stay, but my heart says go.

It's like loving many things about a person but not being 'in love' with them. That is how I would have to describe my relationship with the Air Force. Air Force, we aren't a good fit anymore. Not sure we ever were, but I'll never regret our time together.

I know, strange analogy.

Why do I feel like I would be defeated if I get out of the Air Force? Maybe it is because my confidence isn't always the highest, and staying in until retirement would prove something....well I think that is wrong...especially after seeing some dirtbags make it until retirement.

On top of that- applying to Physical Therapy school....not afraid to admit that this is SCARY for me. College days are sort of haunting me...I struggled in school. Struggled to focus on my studies while I was focusing more on ROTC. I guess I thought putting most of my time into this would make me a better Officer after Commissioning...or something. And some of my 'focus' went to partying, of course. I'm not the only one to learn the hard way though, right?

Fact is-I WANTED to serve my country. I WANTED to love being in the Air Force. I THOUGHT I would love being in the Air Force...and maybe stay in for 20 years. Well, I did serve my country. And I'm happy about that. Very proud of that, and proud every time I put my uniform on. But I'm currently FAR from loving what I'm doing. There will be parts of it I will miss terribly....but it isn't enough. I'm in Communications and computers are far from my thing. Not helping.
What will I miss? It's worth mentioning.

I love wearing the uniform because of what it stands for and represents. I take pleasure in the conversations and experiences I have with Amn of all ranks....I know I've learned from many of them but I also hope I have and do impact people's lives in a positive way. I think I'm holding out...waiting to actually believe and prove to myself that I'm doing this. I've also realized that I thoroughly enjoy working with self-motivated Amn...those who need guidance or a push in the right direction...they need leadership but have the right attitude. But I am not confident that I am the leader who knows what to do with those who bring no motivation or pride of their own. I've had several leaders I respect tell me the Air Force needs Officers like me (I'm not into tooting my own horn but it has swayed me) and this makes me wonder 'Am I doing a better job than I think? Am I just being hard on myself because that is what I tend to do and will I do this in any job?' Who knows.......and then there is giving up awesome benefits/pay. I'm going to go from what I make now to making nothing, or close to nothing, while I'm in school for 3 years again? Ahhh.

Yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend...fellow 1st Lt...I shared with him that I am strongly considering applying to PT school. He said 'do it' and essentially pointed out that what I don't like about the AF and being in the AF isn't going to change or get better. I told him I keep giving myself reasons to stay. He said, in a passionate tone: Go do what you want to do, do something fun, do what will make you happy!

Maybe the majority of people don't 'love' their jobs, but I owe it to myself to find a higher level of joy in my work. You never know until you try. I have to go for it. I have to listen to my heart a little more and embrace the change. The opportunity and the potential for immense joy.

my favorite anniversary

what I love the most are the moments that I get to be with Dave 'again.' After an overnight or 3 day or week long TDY. After a 6 month deployment. After life has been just a little too crazy for too long.

Since I got back (4 weeks ago already), things have seemed chaotic. But the most fun and exciting part has been falling in love with my husband again. Doing things together...things he likes....things I like...things we like, and enjoying the very freedom that allows us to do so. We finally had time to enjoy each others company over the holiday weekend.

I really enjoy the moments when I literally feel like I'm falling in love again. All of the reasons I fell for him to begin with come flooding back with just an expression or look. Waiting for him to get home from a late night at work leaves me with the same feeling I had waiting to see him during those college days when we were inseparable:-)

My favorite anniversary is when I fall in love again...and while we celebrated the 4th of July over the long weekend, I felt like we also had time to celebrate us.

At the Range!

See Ya, Akhmed.

The Derby Firecracker 4 miler. We ran a 33:40. Dave stayed on my pace, sacrificing his good time to run with me, haha.

My 4th of July masterpiece

Us

Celebrating with one of our favorites, Champagne, in our wedding flutes. I decided to take them out for 'anniversary' weekend:-)

capturing America...the Beautiful

I think it is safe to say that the 4th of July is not Teddy's favorite holiday. He has been hiding in the basement all week...since the fireworks started. In his defense, when they first started going off a week ago I thought they were gunshots. And I was fairly confident one was going to take our house down this evening. Happy 4th everyone!

Today while Dave was picking up another toy at Gander Mountain, I decided to take my new Nikon D90 for a stroll. Gander Mountain is right off of one of the downtown exits near the pedestrian bridges over the Arkansas River and Lawrence Dumont Stadium where the Wichita Wingnuts baseball team plays. I knew I'd eventually want to get downtown and play with my camera, but I felt I stumbled across the perfect opportunity today. I haven't really had time to read the manual to see what I can REALLY do (ok, I've had the time...but it's much more fun to play with the camera). So I walked around, clicking away. I got some decent shots. It was fun.

As I photographed the abundance of flags near the bridge, I could hear the National Anthem being sung at the baseball game. Felt perfect for the 4th of July weekend.

Arkansas River with Dumont Stadium in the background

On my walk back to Gander Mountain, I decided to click a few last shots of the Wichita Boathouse. I've noticed this structure many times while driving down Kellogg (main East-West road going through Wichita) but never really knew what it was. Turns out it is an old boathouse that has been closed for years but is being renovated to be the new Kansas Sports Hall of Fame (http://wichita.bizjournals.com/wichita/stories/2010/01/25/daily19.html). There is currently still a permanent display of the Jayhawk, an International America's Cup class yacht (don't ask me what that means).

Wichita Boathouse

As I was getting some shots of this building, a man in a pick-up truck drove up and rolled down his window. Always makes me a little nervous...but he looked at me and asked me if I was a photographer. HA! I told him I JUST bought this camera and didn't really know what I was doing yet. He was looking for a photographer to "do some work." I didn't ask what, but I told him I was not at the point of offering my services to anyone, haha. He told me good luck and off he went. I thought "am I a photographer?"

When you carry a large camera around your neck, people look at you like you are one. As I walked into Gander Mountain, this guy turned and posed for me.

It was a fun adventure in downtown Wichita. I can't wait to capture PURE MICHIGAN with this new beauty.

I'm Alive and Well

'So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that
I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah I'm alive and well'

Not sure why, but I cried listening to this in the car today.

Slow down AND be thankful. to be alive.

Slow down and...taste the Key Lime Pie Ice Cream or Beer?

Last night, instead of actually blogging some of the thoughts flooding my mind lately, I think I spent over an hour just trying to come up with a name for this blog. As I sat there I also tried to figure out if I wanted to have a beer, or some Key Lime Pie Ice cream....not even remotely similar, except that they both make me happy. It was honestly a serious toss up...as though if I chose one, the other wouldn't be there tomorrow. I spent most of the day trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Not sure why I think this is going to happen in a day since I haven't figured it out in 25 years.

And I've spent much of the time I've been home since returning from Afghanistan researching a plethora of things... workouts, running races, triathlons, bikes (can't do a tri without a bike), cameras, barefoot running shoes, cooking recipes, mattresses (as I've mentioned, ours is evil), puppies...I could probably go on.

Am I afraid to step in one direction and keep going, or do I just have many interests? I think both. When I think about leaving the military and never doing communications ever again and doing rehabilitation therapy, I feel pretty excited. But the thought of leaving the Air Force and losing that security scares me (yes, I know I have Dave). Then of course I think about the (few) things I will miss.

And while I'm attempting to relax, take time for myself, and explore my hobbies...I'm not actually doing as much as I am finding things I'm going to do and going to use. While this is ok, am I actually ever living and enjoying the moment? I think not. Doesn't feel like it.

What is the balance between living and planning for the future? Because my life feels out of balance. It's made me think about need vs. want. Both materialistically and in terms of how I live. Right now, I NEED to figure out the next step in terms of my career. For my own well-being, and frankly, for this world. (A quote I frequently run into: 'Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.' ~Howard Thurman). I NEED a new mattress (check!) so that I can actually sleep and be functional the next day. Maybe I shouldn't be focusing as much on picking up triathlons as my new hobby and just stick with the running shoes I know. They've been good to me.

Goal: Slow down. Live in the moment.

Oh, and I chose the Key lime Pie ice cream. I definitely lived in that moment.

Can't keep up with time

Too many blogs...not enough blogging. It takes an effort I am not putting in...

Since 28 June 2009...let's see, I'll pick up where I left off: bought a house, wedding in Traverse City (woohooo!), Wichita 1/2 Marathon, road trip with Teddy/Chicago Marathon....Kandahar deployment- a 6 month experience I'm not sure how to describe. For those of you who have done it- can you? Learned to appreciate what I didn't appreciate, learned to appreciate things more that I did not appreciate enough, not take life for granted and really felt a fire under me to support the troops while I was closer to them, so I raised $5K for The Chance Phelps Foundation. As much as I joke that it is 6 months of my life that I will never get back, that is ok. I don't need it back.

Now it is time to get back to my family. It is an odd feeling going back and I'm trying to prepare...overwhelmed with excitement, yet not really sure how I've changed, or how everything else has changed. When I was gone, everything felt like it was on hold back home. Like it was on pause and now I'll just hit play and keep going. But I know that isn't the case. Even though MY life was on hold, the rest of the world kept going.

Regardless, I'm fairly certain that seeing Dave at the airport in a little over 48 hours will be one of, if not THE, most wonderful moment of my life.

Still on my Kansas kick.

Now, I've already expressed my disdain for all the "Kansas downers," as I like to refer to them as, but I have not mentioned all those who have told me how wonderful McConnell is! I've realized that when people express their opinion about a certain place, you have to simply take it with a grain of salt either way because 1) it all depends on what you're looking for and 2) It's what you make of it, right? But I'm loving the positive feedback as well.

When my brother was stationed there a few years ago, he definitely came to appreciate the area and what it had to offer. One of the Chief's I work with was stationed at McConnell a couple years ago and will probably be heading back to the area after retiring (how bad can it be?!) My functional at AFPC for my career field told me it was his first assignment, and it was great! The other day, I got an email from my sponsor (a LT in the Comm Sq) filling me in on the unit and it sounds like an awesome group of people. And today, one of my NCOs told me it was her first assignment and she loved it there. Awesome.

I'll probably be going back to school at Wichita State University to pursue either a Masters in Exercise Science or a Doctorate in Physical Therapy (most likely the Masters for now...) I looked into this a long time ago when I knew McConnell was a possibility...

I'll probably be forcing Dave to take dance lessons here. Tango? Hustle? Merengue or Foxtrot? Who knows. We were going to take lessons in college and never got around to it; he claims he'll be on board now.

They have a Master's swim team! 7 to 8 p.m. Monday- Thursday. Sounds perfect to me! Masters swimming is great, I did it in college. Swimming with people of all different ages (no kids though) with a wide range of a abilities and goals.

They have a brewery; looks like it is worth checking out. I'll have to ask Big B; I'm sure he has been there.

If we follow through on our plan to get bikes, we'll have plenty of places to go. You can even bike across the river.

Thanks to Julia, I now know about the Country Stampede Music Festival. About an hour and a half from Wichita. I think I'll be going every year.

Although I can't remember the name of it off the top of my head, Brandon is going to hook me up with the bar/owner who will play every Detroit sports game upon my request (he did this for Brandon, so Brandon claims he will probably do it for me).

Some guidance:

http://www.gowichita.com/

http://www.360wichita.com/

And holy crap we'll be homeowners in about 5 weeks!

Hopefully the Midwest misses us as much as we miss it!