Everything came to a boiling point today when my beater of a car finally said "Times up, SUCKER. I'm out. Deal with your issues." Or at least that is what has come of the situation. Husband gone/deployed/whatever/not here and complicated car issues. Apparently that was enough to just set me off. I've been stressed about all kinds of things, and frankly, a little bit lonely. And then the seventh thing went wrong with my car and that was it. It is not drivable. I'm just overwhelmed. Just one of those times when it feels like things are crumbling. And now it's me with my tears and a bottle or two of wine. Because this shit always just happens at the perfect time. I hate, hate asking for help or realizing I can't get through everything on my own.
Don't worry. What my body is losing in tears, it's gaining in wine. This has to be a start to recovery.
But really, tears are powerful. When you sob and let it all go, you just start to feel better and think more clearly. I let Teddy lick all the tears away, and then I went outside with (my awesome) pups and played with them for a while. Happy, happy, tail-wagging pups. And I'm sure that helped. And don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends who have let me vent, vent, vent and it has helped tremendously.
But when you hit a low, you are forced to practice gratitude. Like you should do anyway. Maybe my car is just trying to get me back on track and make me remember what really matters. Not cars.
Over the last few days, I packed up all of the Christmas decorations. But why pack these cards up?!?! They always sit out for a while and then I don't know what I do with them....display the photo cards and shove the other ones in a box. Tonight I looked at them and smiled. Well, they are all being hung up for a while. Just as a lil' reminder that people are thinking of us even if I don't always feel it. I'm not alone. I need to reach out to people who care and tell them what is going on, not put up walls. That is my fault. I'm imperfect and/but I'm enough. I'm enough to reach out and ask for help and to be imperfect. These people think I'm enough.
That is the raw me. The raw version of me living far away from so many loved ones, doubting my worthiness and trying all the time to be a better wife, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, friend. Thank you to those who have stood by me and supported me. And thank you, Brene. I am halfway done with The Gifts of Imperfection and it is like my bible. You are brilliant. This is my pledge.
Breanne ~ I'm crying some tears for you right now as well. We are all imperfect in our own ways, and you are so much more than enough. You are living a life that most people in their lifetime won't expeience and probably wouldn't do as well if they had to fill your shoes. You are so young, have accomplished so much, have so many opportunities ahead of you, should be very pleased with yourself, and remember all that during the rough times. We all go through some rough times but somehow get beyond them. You have very high expectations of your yourself, and the lows may hit even a little harder, so you have to remember to give yourself some "pats on the back"! Keep your chin up, cry if you need to, know that I am very proud of my daughter, and I love her very much. Cheers!! Love, Mom OXOXOX
ReplyDeleteThanks Mom. I've learned that sometimes you have to hit a low point so you can bounce back. Just trying to get everything in perspective. But not without wine.
DeleteLove you friend!!! Praying I find a friend like you in Arkansas. My whole family and I will miss seeing the kind, funny, loving, go with the flow Ms. Beeran! You really are easy to be friends with.
ReplyDeleteThank you friend! Love you too! I hope you know how much your friendship means to me, although I probably didn't express that enough. And y'all probably never knew how many times you lifted my spirits. Or maybe you did :) You, too, are kind, funny, loving and go with the flow.....I think you and your lovely fam just brought out the best in me ;-) Miss you guys so much already! *hugs*
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